And I would come back and admit that it wasn't your fault
But I'm tired and unwilling to be the only one who was wrong
And I would sail back to you
Damien Juarado~Everything Trying
Chapter Eighteen
Bright
I can feel the emotion as it lingers inside of me. All the events of today flash through my mind in brilliance. I can feel his pain as it radiates through me, but oh no he won't tell me. To open a wound of that magnitude would require understanding and it isn't anything I could comprehend. We are taught from infancy to love, this brilliant and beautiful man beside me had only loved one up to adulthood.
I watch him hold her and comfort her; two small scared children, never divided by hate and brought to love through trust. He tells her now to trust him, to confide and feel safe. To believe in the beauty of a world that only showed them ugliness and sorrow. For me to hold him is like hugging an ember, burning hot and melting flesh before turning me to ash… but I love him.
I accept his broken pieces. I could spend hours mending them, repairing them and piecing him together like a ragdoll.
"Bright?" I am pulled from my thoughts when I hear his name. I close my notebook and tuck my pen behind my ear.
"Sorry…" I say bashfully and feel guilt for purging my thoughts as he drove us to my house. I look up though to see we are nowhere near my house. We are on the freeway headed North and already out of Yorba Linda. "Where are we going babe?" I k and rub my hand on his arm.
"I need to think. I need the time to think and I can't do it sitting on a couch… I need distance."
I nod and turn to face him. "I think I am gonna take you with me somewhere. I know you won't agree with where or why I am going." He looks at me with an intense stare now. "I need you to trust me, to trust in me that I need to do this…" He looks out his window and uses his free hand to scrub his face. "I need you to trust in me Bright." He looks at me now for a brief moment and I am frozen in place. "Feel me?"
"I don't know if I do. You're scaring me." I have no choice but to be honest.
"Well, do you trust me to do the right thing?"
"I do." And I do. I knew that no matter what he wouldn’t willingly endanger a soul.
"Then you need to make a choice. I can make it for you or you can trust me." He looks so serious now, I am scared to even argue with him. There is a darkness that's present right now I have never seen in him before. I know before I even say it, that I will essentially cost myself his love when I answer him, fear wreaking havoc on my heart and mind.
"And if I need answers first?"
"Then I can take you home. There isn't a need for questions and answers with something as simple as asking if you trust me, it’s a yes or no Bright." He sounds both offended and supportively understanding.
"So that's it? Ask me to trust you blindly without any idea of what you're intending to do, or walk away?" I knew… I fight back my tears now because I knew that this was too good to be true.
He smacks the steering wheel before getting in the right lane and taking the next exit. "Yeah, that's trust. Everything else is explainable and easy to understand, but not if you don't trust me and right now I need to know that you trust me."
"And if this little endeavor of yours costs me my job?"
He looks at me then with absolute disgust. "You would think that." He shakes his head and gets back on the freeway heading toward Yorba Linda. "Ever the vigilant sponsor."
"What am I supposed to think Noah?" I flip the visor down to wipe the mascara from under my eyes and throw my hair in a ponytail. I need to occupy my mind with something, anything to avoid me saying things I don't mean.
He stares at me blankly as if he can't see why this is pissing me off. "It isn't like your track record is full of positive actions."
See? I need to shut up.
He said nothing after looking at me with painful indignation. Forty five minutes we rode in silence, the tension had a heartbeat in the car. I wanted to tell him I was sorry, to take it back and tell him I would trust him. I wanted so badly, but I couldn’t lie to him. He didn't tell me what his plan was and what he needed, he didn't tell me because he knew I wouldn’t let him go down the path that took him back to the needle. I knew he was upset about his sister and the lasting effects of a lifetime of abuse, but in asking me to trust him he didn't trust me with the truth.
By the time we were on Banda Boulevard and pulling into the Brew, my silence ended as I gathered my hoodie and purse from the floor at my feet. "You refused to trust me Noah. You refused to tell me where you needed to go and in turn refused to let me help you. Remember that when you see me after the break in the tour."
I stepped from the car when he grabbed me by my wrist. "How could I refuse to do anything when you never asked me?" His voice was calm, reflective even, as he spoke to me. "I asked if you would trust me blind. I had no intention of taking you with meto see my father,without you knowing. I need to go, I need to face him once and for all, sober and strong and let it go. For myself and for my sister. I would have explained all this if I had your trust to hear me, to see me and believe my reasons for going to this extreme. I would have told you, whether or not you asked, but, you didn't ask. All you did was assume I am the bastard you think I am. The filthy junkie with no soul." He let my arm go, but I didn't step out. I was frozen and unable to walk away from him He was right, he was dead on. I didn't give him an option, he simply asked if I would. I saw my mistake and foolishness immediately. I wanted to scream that I trust him, that I would go and hold his hand if he needed. But I didn't. I failed him, I knew it and now he would leave to handle something so insane and frightening all alone. And sober.
Fuck!
"You said nothing except to confirm my worst fucking fear baby. You, like everyone else in my life, don't believe in me. It’s a damn good thing I didn't allow myself to be effected by silly notions or you'd have broke my heart just now."
"Noah.." I gasp and feel the tears burn my eyes. I reached for him, desperate to tell him I was scared and stupid and that, yes I do trust him but I am so very scared.
He brushed me off like I was a spider crawling on his arm, aggressive and proficient. "Kindly get the fuck out of my car."
My tears fall at his words as I step from his car, quietly closing the door and walking away I looked back in hopes he would let me tell him I am sorry and I was wrong. As I turned, I watched him peel out of the parking lot and his lights fade down Bander and far from me and the safety I could have given him, had I trusted myself to let him in.