Eventually, I pull away. Caleb blinks his eyes open, lust lingering in the gray. “What’s wrong? Too much?”
I nod, because yes, it was too much, but not in the way he probably thinks.
He smiles carefully, his eyes spilling over with kindness. “I can go slower. Just tell me when to stop, and I’ll stop.” He brushes his fingersthrough my hair. “We’re in no hurry, baby. We’ll go at whatever pace you want.” He hesitates, his fingers lingering on my earlobe, toying with my gold hoop. “I just wanna be with you.” His honesty and vulnerable admission unlocks something inside me, something that’s vulnerable too. Something that makes me feel inadequate and jealous of every cis guy in the fucking world.
“There are things that will be different about me.” The words are out there before I can regret them, and I bury my face against Caleb’s chest.
“I know.” He continues to caress my ear. “I know there are things about you that will be different from what I’m used to. Does that… Are you worried about that?”
“It’s just… Sometimes my mind still plays tricks on me. Like I expect my body to react in a certain way, like remnants from a past life, and it’s frightening when you remember how your body used to react.” There’s a war going on inside me right now because I don’t want to talk about this, but I know we need to. Otherwise, Caleb and I are doomed before we can even begin.
He nudges me away from his shoulder, understanding in his eyes. “And that makes you feel like you’re in free fall.” It’s not a question, and somehow his words take away some of my fears.
“Yes.” My voice shakes as I blink back the tears threatening to fall.
“I get that. I do, Kayden. Not how it feels, but that you feel that way.” He pauses as he seems to mull something over. “Are you afraid of how I’m going to react to it? I mean that some things will be different?”
“Yes.” And then they do fall, the stupid, treacherous tears, because it’s like he sees right through me, behind all the layers and the thick walls I’ve erected around myself, and just seesme, therealme.
“Don’t cry, sweetheart.” He swipes underneath my eyes with his thumbs, limitless tenderness in his voice. “Don’t cry. You’re safe here, with me.”
You’re safe.
“I know.”
“Do you? Do you really? Because you are. I promise that you are, K. I…” He hesitates, his hands still cradling my face, and it feels so good to be held like this, like he won’t allow me to hide or run. “I did some research. You know, about what to expect when being intimate with a trans guy.”
For a moment, I think my heart stops, or plummets into my gut. I feel slightly faint, but Caleb keeps caressing me with soothing movements, his eyes not leaving mine.
“I still have a shit ton of questions, but I think I have a better idea now of… of what you look like and what I need to be mindful of.” He presses a quick kiss against my lips.
I think I want to die. Just crawl into a hole in the ground and die, but I know I can’t. Not if I want to be with Caleb. Not if I ever want to have a real shot at living a full life with everything that entails. Trust and intimacy. Love.
“I don’t always trust my body and how it reacts to desire. It feels like this weird limbo sometimes, like a wave throwing me back and forth between how I used to be and how I am now.”
Caleb doesn’t say anything, just waits for me to continue. He doesn’t try to tell me that how I feel isn’t real, and in a way, that’s the best kind of validation he can give me right now.
“It’s hard sometimes to feel that I’m a real guy when my mind works against me. It’s like it betrays me, and I’m stuck in the past, with the feeling of being wrong, which again triggers my dysphoria.” I blush, because fuck my life, I can’t believe I’m actually having this conversation with Caleb. “Because although I know I look different now from what I used to, I still wonder if it’s enough. You know if it’ll be enough for another man, or if the things I can’t change will…” My voice breaks, emotional exhaustion pulling at me.
“Yeah, I get that. You still have parts that I don’t. Like your…” He waits for me to choose what I want to call it, and gratitude explodes in my chest.
“My front hole. I call it my front hole because the V word makes me feel… I don’t know. Just not good.”
Caleb nods, then licks his lips. “Do you want me to call it that, too?” His bluntness surprises the fuck out of me, and he must notice because he studies me intently. “Sorry if I’m being too forward.”
“You’re not. It’s kind of nice, actually, that you don’t handle me with kids’ gloves like I’m fragile and could break any second.”
“I don’t see you like that at all, Kayden. I think you’re one of the strongest people I know. One of the bravest, too.”
“You do?”
He nods, and his words make me want to be brave and straightforward too. “What I’d really prefer is if we don’t talk about it. I mean my front hole. I really just want to forget it’s there.”
“Okay. I can definitely do that.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I just really want you to feel good about yourself, baby. I really do. And if that’ll make you feel better about yourself, then that’s the least I can do.” He rests his forehead against mine. “Thank you for telling me.”