“Wow. That sounds amazing, actually.”
“Surprised?” He raises a brow at me, smiling knowingly.
“Kinda.” I smile back, then take a steadying breath. “It smells… I don’t know.”
Caleb stares at my lips, and they tingle with the phantom feel of how it felt when he kissed me. “What?”
“It smells like…” I wiggle my nose, a sharp, distinct smell invading my nostrils. “Like something’s burning.” Caleb freezes. Yes, something definitely smells burnt.
“Oh, shit.” He turns on his heel and disappears inside the house, a string of curses in his wake. I follow, and once inside, the harsh odorintensifies, and my eyes sting. I quickly toe off my shoes, then head toward the kitchen. Smoke billows from the now open oven while Caleb struggles to get the tray out.
“Fuck! Turn on the water, K.” I sprint toward the kitchen sink and turn on the water, just as Caleb dumps the entire tray into the sink. The burnt fish and fennel hiss when the water splashes all over our dinner. “Shit,” he groans, running his hands through his hair, tugging at the strands.
I look between the ruined fish and Caleb’s crestfallen face. “It’s okay. Maybe we can salvage some of it. Maybe it’s just the skin that’s burned.”
Caleb sighs next to me, letting go of his hair. He reaches for a wooden spoon on the counter and pokes at the haddock. “Nah, I don’t think so, K, unless you have a preference for charcoal.”
I do, I want to say, because Caleb’s eyes are charcoal, and it’s kind of my favorite color. But I can’t say that, so instead I just say, “I’m sorry. It sounded really good.”
“Yeah, well, perhaps too good to be true.” He shrugs, then drops the wooden spoon into the sink. He sounds and looks genuinely upset, which is a rare thing with Caleb. I reach out and squeeze his shoulder.
“Don’t say that. I mean, how many times have you cooked haddock before?”
“Exactly zero times before.”
I nod, smiling. “See? You can’t judge your haddock cooking skills on your first attempt. Besides, I think you got a little distracted out there.”
Heat pools in Caleb’s eyes. “I kinda did, didn’t I?”
“You did. We both did.” I get flustered all over again, and my dick suddenly takes notice, too, of how close Caleb is. I shift on my feet, and I think Caleb realizes what’s happening, because he smiles at me knowingly.
“So actually, this isyourfault,” he rasps, closing the little space between us.
I shake my head, laughing. “No way you’re pinning this on me. I’d say it was a fifty-fifty responsibility.”
“Is that so?” He lifts an eyebrow at me, his voice nothing but a low drawl at this point.
“Uh-huh.”
“Okay.” He leans in, his lips hovering in front of mine, and I feel him against me. He’s hard too, the outline of his length now rubbing against my hip. Caleb’s hard for me. It feels unreal and yet more real than anything I’ve ever felt before. I rest my palms against his solid chest to steady myself, then close my eyes.
“Nuh-uh,” he tsks. “Open your eyes, K. Look at me.”
I blink my eyes open and find him staring right at me. There’s something in his eyes besides heat. Something I can’t decipher. Longing, perhaps.
“I really wanna kiss you again,” he says.
“I really want that too.”
“Yeah?”
“Uh-huh.” The truth is, I’ve been thinking about little else since last Tuesday on the beach. I wanted him to kiss me so badly then, but I didn’t know how to ask for it.
Caleb makes a humming sound, then presses his lips against mine, ever so gently. I close my eyes again, now fisting his shirt across his pecs. His chest rises and falls at a steady rhythm. His lips are warm against mine, just a barely there pressure, and before I know it, I whinemorelow in my throat. Caleb chuckles against me, but kisses me deeper. His tongue dips out and draws a line along my bottom lip, and I gasp into his mouth.
“Fuck, K,” he moans, then sucks my lip into his wet, hot mouth, and now I’m the one who’s moaning. Caleb’s hand wraps around the back of my neck, and he tilts my head so he can kiss me even deeper. I follow his lead, thrusting my hips against him, and his thigh moves between mine. The motion sends off a wave of ecstasy in my body, heat building in my core. I used to hate how my body reacted when I got sexually aroused; the wetness pooling between my legs a reminder that my body worked differently from a cis guy’s. It’s different after I started T. I don’t get wet anymore, but in a situation like this, where I’m aroused, my body still sometimes expects the wetness and remembers how it felt. That sense of betrayal, and that urge to run from myself and break free from my physical form.
I try to push the feeling away, focusing on the kiss, on how Caleb’s lips feel pressed against mine, and how his tongue explores my mouth with such eagerness, but I can’t let go. Something pulls at me, threatening to spin me out of control. It’s not dysphoria exactly, but more of a constant awareness that I look different from what Caleb is used to when he’s with a guy. As much as I’ve changed since I started this journey, there are still moments when my body betrays me, and I feel it happening right now.