“Caleb,” I whisper, my hands squeezing around the crystal ball. Its cool surface underneath my fingers is the only thing that keeps me tethered and stops me from confessing all the things that have been on my mind lately.
“I’m really sorry about yesterday. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just… I didn’t want Stacey to imply anything. I didn’t want you to feel cornered and like you had to pay for my mistakes. She was trying to hurt me and went after you.” His face twists into this mask of anger, and his eyes turn a deep charcoal.
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. I acted as if you don’t matter to me, and you do.” The next part comes out like an afterthought, and I’m not sure it’s intended for me. “Perhaps more than you should.”
Perhaps more than you should.I mull the words over in my head as silence wraps around us. I’m waiting for him to say something more, just like he seems to be waiting for me, but in the end, before either of us can put an end to this agony, Mom’s shrill voice pulls us back to the present moment.
“Kayden! Caleb! Lunch’s ready!”
Chapter Ten
Caleb
When I come down for my usual caffeine shot around ten o’clock, I notice Kayden still hasn’t come in. Over the past few weeks, I’ve learned that he’s usually an early bird, just like me, and one of the first to come in a little before eight. The door to his office, which is usually open when he’s working, is closed, and through the window in the door, I can tell the lights are off.
After grabbing two cups of pitch-black coffee, one for me and one for Sal, I head back upstairs. I’ve been working on a sales pitch all morning for a big company in California that rents out sailboats for weddings and other special occasions. While I’m great face-to-face, I always struggle a little when it comes to putting down the right words in writing, and I think I must’ve started over at least four or five times. I browsed through my old proposals, reusing a sentence here and there, but it still sounded like crap. No wonder I got a D on my written English exam in high school.
I swing by Sal’s office, and he’s on the phone when I enter, an intense frown between his eyebrows. I hold up the cup of coffee, and he waves me in. I push the door carefully shut behind me with my foot. I place Sal’s coffee next to him, and he offers me a forced half smile, then gestures at the chair opposite his desk.
Sal nods his head a couple of times as he listens intently, biting his lip in evident frustration. I rarely see Sal like this, so something must clearly have happened. Not even a difficult client or a late provider can rile my friend up like this. I sit down and take a sip of my coffee. Sal offers me another strained smile, mouthingsorry, before he speaks.
“So, please explain to me then how something like this can happen? Because that shouldn’t be possible, should it?” He leans back in his chair with an outdrawn sigh. He briefly closes his eyes, and I can tell he’s struggling not to lose it. This is clearly not about work. This can only be about one thing, and my heart immediately starts racing in my chest.Kayden. My stomach sinks at the idea of something happening to him,but surely, if it were an accident, Sal wouldn’t be on the phone right now, but instead racing out of his office to get to him.
Sal flies back up in his seat. “A system error?!” He booms. “A system error? Really?” He reaches for a pen on the desk, which he starts stabbing into the notepad in front of him. “I want to speak to your supervisor,” he bites out, clearly at the end of his rope. “Well, then I expect her to call me back as soon as she’s out of her meeting!” He ends the call by slamming the receiver against his office phone. “Fuck!” he yells, then wipes his hands across his face a couple of times, mumbling something I can’t make out. I lean over the desk and reach for his elbow, wrapping my hand around his arm.
“Sal? What happened? Is it Kayden? Is he okay?”
His gaze softens at the mention of his son’s name, but his voice is pained when he speaks. “No.”
I nearly bolt from the chair, the coffee slouching from my cup, but Sal holds up a hand. “He is, and he isn’t. I mean, physically he’s fine, but mentally he’s not. Far from.”
His cell phone rings, and he picks it up, a raspy “Viv?” spilling from his lips. He nods a couple of times, a string ofuh-huhsandokaysfilling the room, his eyes welling with tears. “Tell him I love him,” he murmurs, his voice thick and heavy with the kind of love I can only imagine one can have for someone they love more than they love themselves. “Okay. I’ll stop by on my way home then. I’ll leave early.” He offers me a weak smile. “Yeah, I know. Love you too, darling.” He puts down his phone and stares blankly in front of him.
I squeeze his elbow. “Sal. What’s going on?”
“A system error, apparently. At the Department of Revenue. They sent Kayden his new tax papers, addressed to—” his voice breaks. “Fuck. Addressed toMs. Kaitlyn Somner.”
My heart sinks. I know Kayden had the name and gender marker changed on his birth certificate shortly after he turned eighteen. It was a huge fucking deal, and he proudly showed me the papers when they arrived in the mail, pointing at his name.
‘See Caleb? Kayden Somner.’He traced the letters with his fingers, smiling broadly.‘That’s me.’
‘It is,’I told him, my heart spilling over with affection.‘It’s always been you.’
He nodded at me, all giddy, unable to contain his joy.‘And look?’He pointed to the line just below his name, where it saidSex.‘What does it say, Caleb?’He whispered, his cheeks flushed pink with excitement, his eyes a piercing blue.
‘It saysMale,’I told him, and he nodded quietly,almost reverently.
‘It does, doesn’t it?’
‘It sure does, sweetheart.’
It was shortly before Kayden left for college and another monumental step on his way to becoming to the world what he’d always known to be true inside: Kayden was a man. Heisa man. And still, he has to deal with shit like this.
I squeeze the coffee cup. “How’s that even possible?”
“No fucking idea, but now he’s a mess. He hasn’t had a dysphoric incident this bad since before his surgery.” Sal wipes at his eyes. “I can’t fucking believe he has to go through this shit. It’s never-ending.” There’s an edge of resignation in his voice.