His nostrils flared, old regrets clawing at him.
“She’d warned me to stay away from you and I didn’t listen. I told her I’d be happy to see her sad. That’s why she reacted so harshly when she found us together. I’m so sorry. If I hadn’t been such a self-centred asshole, she would have never insulted your parents in public and you wouldn’t have suffered. I never thought that my actions would affect your life like that.”
Though Rian tried to stick to the facts, recalling the negative impact he had left on this person he so cared for had him awash in guilt. Elbows on his knees, he leaned forward as he knit his fingers together. The muscles in his back remained tight with tension as he rested his chin against his crossed thumbs, his lower lip pressed into his fist to stop it from trembling.
“This is why you searched for me when I went to the US?” she clarified, still sounding like she was trying to piece all the information together. “This is why you continued to look out for me when I came back? Why Nanamma helped me when I left Mumbai?”
His shame deprived him of his ability to answer her with words.
“Why did you never tell me this before?”
He drew in a breath, releasing it with a shudder when the burn climbing up his nose abruptly settled behind his eyes. His vision grew blurry.
“I didn’t want to lose my friend.”
When he finally risked a glance at her, he was met with equally teary eyes. With no hesitation whatsoever, Kaya launched herself at him, struggling to hold him fully given the disparity in their sizes.
“You’re the biggest idiot I’ve ever known,” she mumbled, her tears dampening his shoulder.
“Sorry,” Rian gruffed, flicking away an errant tear and giving up any attempt at trying to hold them back when she hugged him harder. How long they sat together like that, they didn’t know. But when she pulled away, Rian knew both their faces bore similar blotchy marks and red noses.
“I’m glad you told me.” Kaya sniffled, reaching towards the box of tissues. “I can’t imagine how hard this must have been for you.”
“Hard for me? Kaya, you should hate me.”
“For what?” She dabbed at her eyes. “For being my friend through all this? For having had a moment of rebellion?” She blew her nose, irritated that her tirade had to be cut in the middle. No sooner was she done, she turned to face him fully. “Why are you taking responsibility for the whole incident when you were a minor part? You did more than enough to make up for it, Rian. I wouldn’t have gotten through so many years alone if it hadn’t been for you.”
“Kaya. . .”
“We were kids. Arjun and I have spoken about this so much. I’ve dissected it with my therapist seven ways to Sunday. I used to think I was to blame for what happened to me. You think you are. But the truth is we had adults around us who failed us in different ways. Let go of this guilt. It’s not yours to bear.”
Her earnestness found a way to break through his misery.
“This curse nonsense you were spouting before,” she continued, agitatedly waving her hand in the air. “There is no curse. You are punishing yourself, and you need to stop.”
You need to stop.
You need to let go.
You need to move on.
The people who cared for him seemed to have the same thing to say. Why had he never listened before?
He’d been terrified that someday Kaya would come to know of his part in the drama that had upended her life, and that she would despise him for it. Instead, she was trying to release him from the guilt he’d carried within him for thirteen years.
If he’d actively tried to loosen the hold his past had on him, if he’d tried harder to move on, would he have been able to avoid causing Aditi pain?
“If I hurt Aditi, it’ll destroy me. I let Leela Shetty get under my skin and the collateral was, once again, someone I love.”
“Did you mean it when you said you were marrying Aditi to get back at your mother?” Kaya inquired after a moment.
“Of course not! I don’t give a damn about my mother. I haven’t for years.”
“Your reaction was momentary, wasn’t it?”
“I. . .yeah.”
“Then what makes you think you’ll let Aditi down again, especially because of Mrs. Shetty?”