As his arms closed about her, gentle still, it was as though Rian took his first breath since Aditi had uttered her safe word. It gave him hope that he’d be able to correct what had gone wrong.
“Let me go,” she sniffled, letting out a tiny whimper.
“Let me hold you. Please.”
He bent low, breathing in her scent. If she pushed him away now, he may not recover with any grace.
“Why are you with me, Rian?” Her question was interrupted by her soft sobs and gasping breaths.
“Because,” he answered, his voice cracking with emotion, “I love you.”
She shook her head against his chest, hating that what she had so wanted to hear had come now, in a moment that was not one she would want to remember.
“You can’t say that after saying hurtful things about me,” she choked out.
That she remained in his embrace and allowed him to comfort her did very little to reduce the intensity of his guilt. Self-loathing gripped him in a chokehold, each shuddering breath she drew tormenting him beyond any wound inflicted by his mother.
“This is not how I wanted to tell you. The timing leaves a lot to be desired, but it doesn’t change how I feel. I love you.” He drew back, gently wiping her tears. “I know I said some fucked up things today. Please don’t let that stop you from acknowledging my reality.”
Watery brown eyes met his, her anguish palpable.
“Whatisyour reality?” she asked, her chin wobbling.
“You,” he breathed, devastated that he had made her question this. “I am not myself without you.” He brushed her hair back and held her face in both hands, gazing at her with such deep yearning that Aditi had to close her eyes to not feel affected.
He gathered her in his arms, holding her closer as his palm curved over the back of her skull. “I’m not telling you to forgive me now, or easily,” he said, his voice low enough to crack. “But don’t break up with me. Please. Don’t give up on me. I want you. I want a lifetime of us together. Give me a chance to fix my mistake.”
His request made her want to wail louder. She was torn between wanting to protect herself versus protecting him. The wretchedreality of loving a good man was that it didn’t make him infallible. It didn’t preclude him from causing her pain. It simply limited how long she was able to remain genuinely furious, especially when his vulnerability was as heartbreaking as his request.
“We're having a fight. One fight doesn't mean a break up. It just means we have things to work through,” she finally answered, knowing that letting him believe differently would be cruel. She may be angry with him, but she did not want to wound him.
Rian released a trapped breath, one massive worry put to rest.
“I'm sorry,” he apologised again, the words sounding hollow even to his own ears. “I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Kaya. And for whatever I said to my mother. Hurting you is the farthest thing from my mind.”
She believed his apology. She even believed his confession. She simply couldn’t subdue the shred of resentment that his choices had left in their wake. She felt let down, and it was clear that he didn’t fully understand why. How could he, when she hadn’t been able to explain her biggest point of contention?
“What about next time?” she asked, gently drawing away. Rian didn’t let go of her hand however, and she didn’t ask him to.
“What do you mean?”
Aditi took a deep breath in, fortifying herself for what she had to say.
“Your mother came to visit a couple weeks ago, just after we’d gotten together. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to lose you to whatever anger she generates in you. She told me that you can’t disregard her. That she’d never make it easy for us to be together. I didn’t believe her until I heard you today. Every time she's in the picture, you change into someone I can’t recognise.”
“Please,” Rian begged, squeezing her hand. “Don’t let my mother come between us. She does this. She poisons things around me.”
“She’s only between us because you’ve given her the power,” Aditi announced, unwilling to mince words any more. “I wish I could fix this for you, but I can’t. I can’t force you to move on. Not this time.”
“I know I hurt you today. It won’t happen again. I prom—”
“Don’t make promises you cannot keep,” she interrupted, her disappointment clear. “When you don’t respect yourself enough to ignore someone who is toxic for you, how will you remember to respect me enough to keep your promises? Last time, at the club, you took your anger out on me. This time, you insulted our relationship. Next time you face your mother, you might hurt me in a different way. How long before you break out of this cycle? Will I be expected to forgive you every time?”
Rian wondered how to respond to these questions, or if he had a solution to the problem she’d pointed out. He’d always wanted to cut his mother out of his life. For reasons unknown, he’d not succeeded. His failure had in turn damaged Aditi’s trust in him. How could he give her an answer when he didn’t understand it himself?
Throughout the drive to the airport, both Rian and Aditi remained immersed in their own thoughts. For two people who had never felt the slightest hesitation with each other before, neither one could find it in them to breach the disconcerting silence between them.
Rian parked in the busy drop off zone, stepping out to grab her suitcase. He clicked the button on the handle and extended it for her, needing to feel useful somehow. She accepted his help, stilling when his hand closed over hers. A warm finger slid under her chin, turning her face towards him. For a breathless moment, he said nothing. Remorse and regret had dampened his confidence.