I know that’s not true because he was sharing the bed with Ollie.
“You slept with Ollie in your bed.”
He sputters, choking on air. “That’s not what I meant. I, err… I meant… Never mind, I understand now. I’ll just go get cleaned up and changed.” His face is red as he leaves the room. I stare at the closed bedroom door, trying to figure out what just happened. I try to work it out in my head.
I brought him to my bedroom. Told him he was sleeping in my bed. Then we were going to share the bed. He’s nervous because he has never shared a bed with anyone. No, that’s not right. He said he has never slept with anyone. Difference. He’s a virgin, and he thinks I’m going to fuck him. I want to, but not tonight.The thought of someone else touching him makes me feral. Someone could have hurt him before I found him. His being a virgin eases the tightness in my chest.
I finish getting ready for bed, waiting for Colton to come back into the bedroom. When he opens the door, he is looking at his feet. Walking over to him, I lift his chin with my knuckle.
“You’re a virgin,” I say. If he knows I know, then it should calm him. He pushes at my chest, but I don’t move.
“That’s none of your business.” He pushes again.
“But that’s why you’re nervous. Isn’t it? You said you have never slept with anyone, and then you turned red. Cause, effect, reaction.”
“Oh my God,” he tries again to push me away.
“Tell me why you thought I was going to fuck you tonight?” I ask. I want to know what he is thinking. Right now, his reactions make no sense to me. He makes another face that I can’t read. “That face,” I point at him. “What does it mean?”
“Are you trying to embarrass me even more? Isn’t my current mortification enough for you?” I let him go when he tries again.
“I don’t understand, and I’m trying to. I want to.” He turns around to face me.
“You really don’t, do you?” He cocks his head.
“No, I don’t. Believe me, it’s new to me too. But when it comes to you, I want to understand. I want to know what your expressions mean. So explain it to me.”
He sits on the edge of the bed with his elbows braced on his knees, his head bowed and his eyes fixed on his hands where they twist restlessly together.
“I misunderstood your intentions for bringing me to your room.” His voice is quiet, rough around the edges. “I still don’t really understand why you want to help me. I’ve never had that.”
He swallows hard before continuing.
“What I’ve had is a life full of people expecting something in return. Payback. Favors. People only doing things for what’s in it for them.” His fingers knot tighter together. “So when you brought me in here, I thought you were going to expect sex from me as payment.”
Something ugly twists low in my stomach so hard it almost hurts. The thought of him believing that, of him expecting to have to trade his body for safety or kindness or help, makes me feel violent in a way I don’t have words for.
I crouch down in front of him, close enough that he can see me clearly, but I don’t touch him yet. “I would never expect payment from you,” I say quietly. “Not for helping you. Not for protecting you.” His eyes lift to mine.
“I want you,” I admit, because lying to him would be pointless. “But not like that. Not because you owe me something.”
I hold his gaze, making sure he hears every word.
“If you picked Ollie up right now and walked out that door, I would still do everything I could to keep you safe.” My voice drops lower. “I’ll keep you safe.”
Only then do I reach for him, covering his restless hands with one of mine.
“Do you believe me?”
He nods and looks up. Then he does the thing that calms me from the inside out. He smiles. It’s a slow, gentle one, but it makes his dimples show. I lift my hand and push my finger into the one on his right cheek; it’s the deepest.
“Ronan, what are you doing?” His quiet laugh makes them even deeper.
“I really like your dimples. I’ve wanted to touch them since I saw your smile at the center. I don’t like it when I can’t see them. I’ll have to figure out what makes you smile and make a list.” He laughs even harder.
“You do know that’s weird, right?”
“You’ll get used to it. Now let’s go to bed. To sleep,” I add, so there is no other miscommunication.