"That is precisely why it must not be indulged."
"But how can you avoid it?"
Eleanor did not know what to say for a moment. She knew that she could not avoid him altogether when they shared a household, but that did not mean she had to allow her feelings to grow.
"I must, and so I will find a way."
Her words were steady, but not entirely untroubled. Before Anne could respond, there was a sound in the corridor beyond the door, footsteps approaching, followed by the quiet murmur of voices. It was only a servant, but it was enough to momentarily interrupt their discussion. Eleanor hoped that that would bring an end to the matter, but of course her friend knew better than to let that happen.
"Do you want there to be something more?" Anne asked.
The question was direct, and Eleanor stilled for a moment and did not answer. It was not because she had nothing to say, but because the answer did not come as easily as the others had. It required something she had been deliberately avoiding, something she had kept firmly contained beneath reason and decision just as she assumed her husband did. She looked at Anne, then away again. The thought formed, but it was not the one she wanted to have.
What if there was?
Even as a girl, she knew that she wanted something that could not be controlled or predicted, something that would require trust in a way she had already learned not to allow. She wantedlove, but it was more than that. She wanted something that came from nowhere and took her by surprise, and in a way, that was indeed what her marriage had been.
She considered it only for a moment, but it was enough. Eleanor drew in a small breath and answered quickly, the hesitation gone from her tone as though it had never been there.
"No. I do not need there to be anything more."
Anne did not look convinced.
"It is better this way," Eleanor continued, more firmly now. "It was always meant to be this way."
"And what if it is not?"
"It is," Eleanor replied. "Whatever is happening, if anything is happening at all, it is not something that can be allowed to matter. I am happy with my marriage, as I told you, and I do not need anything more."
Anne watched her for a long moment, her expression thoughtful rather than challenging.
"You are very determined to make me believe you made the right decision."
"Because I did, Anne. I know that it is not the great and enchanting romance that you might want for me, but it offers me security, and that means everything."
Anne’s gaze did not soften.
"Security is not everything, Eleanor."
"It is for me."
"And what of your heart? You are denying yourself of something that you have always wanted, and if you tell me that this is what you want then I will accept it, but I will not believe it. This is a beautiful life, but it is not yours."
"I am happy here," Eleanor snapped. "One can be made happy by more than one thing, and that is what has happened to me."
"It is not. You cannot simply decide not to feel something."
"I can decide what I do with myself."
"And you intend to do nothing."
"Yes."
Anne studied her, something almost searching in her. Eleanor knew that she was not being truthful, and she wished it were notthe case. She hated lying to her friend, especially when all that she was trying to do was help, but she could not stand it.
She could not tell the truth, not when she hardly understood it herself.
"I think you should listen to yourself," Anne said softly. "Not to what is safe, or what is sensible, but to what you actually want."