There was a small pause before she continued, her voice quieter. She did not want Anne to remind her of what she had chosen to lack. She thought about it enough herself.
"I did not think it would be like this," she said. "I expected there to be far more distance, but he and I enjoy each other's company and it is making for an easy marriage."
She bit her tongue after that. It was not because of that that their marriage was even close to good. Eleanor setting aside what she wanted made the marriage work, and she would never be given any credit for that.
"It is easier," she said at last, "being here with him. I do not feel as though I must manage myself in the same way as I do in London."
Anne smiled faintly at that. In spite of herself, Eleanor did the same. There was honesty in it; she did truly feel more herself in some ways, but in others it felt as though she was just as trapped.
She lived in a beautiful home, and she had a friend in Lily, and she had time to do anything she wanted. She was fortunate, and that meant she had to be happy.
She did not want to be ungrateful.
"There is something else," Eleanor said.
Anne did not interrupt. Eleanor’s fingers tightened slightly around her cup before she set it down.
"It is foolish," she added.
"I doubt that. Even if it is, that is why I am here."
"You should not doubt it," Eleanor said. "It would be more sensible."
Anne’s expression softened, though her attention did not waver.
"Tell me."
"Sometimes," she said slowly, "it feels as though there could be something between us."
Anne did not react immediately. Eleanor continued before she could.
"I know that there is not," she said. "There cannot be. That was never the arrangement, and he has made that very clear, and yet it does not always feel that way."
The admission settled between them, more fragile than anything she had said before. Anne leaned forward slightly.
"In what way?"
"I cannot explain it," she said. "It is only moments, but I am starting to wonder if there is more between us than there should be."
"Is it possible that you are imagining it?"
"I hope so," Eleanor replied. "Because the alternative would be far less sensible."
"And when have you ever been guided entirely by sense? You have always listened to your heart, El, and it has never failed you."
Eleanor allowed a small, quiet smile. It was true that her feelings and intuition had never led her astray, but they all had to quieten when it came to her marriage.
"It has, and more often than you think."
"Not in matters such as this."
Eleanor did not answer that. Instead, she looked down again, feeling as though everything had suddenly become far more complex than it had been before.
"It does not matter," she said after a moment. "Whatever it is, it changes nothing."
Anne did not seem convinced.
"It changes how you feel," she said.