I couldn’t believe I had actually written that. It was a joke, of course, nothing else. How could it not be? Sasha would surely see it as such, too.
Right?
Right. He absolutely would.
I threw my head back and groaned, almost running into an old man who shot me a scandalized look and muttered angrily under his breath.
“Sorry! My bad!” I called after him but he didn’t even bother to turn back around.
Okay, then.
Part of me though, was proud I didn’t hold back.
For a moment, I’d been so tempted to finally look him up online, just so I could finally put a face to these letters … so I could imagine his expression when he’d read this letter.
It made me feel shallow, though, and even more so when I was overcome with the niggling fear of being disappointed by whatever I’d find.
I even went as far as typing in his name, only to delete it letter by letter.
If I’d gone through with it, there would have been a whole host of consequences and truths I would’ve had to face, and I simply wasn’t ready for that.
I shook my head.
You’re just lonely. Lonely and enjoying being the focus of someone’s attention, even if it’s through letters, I told myself.
A small voice piped up in the back of my head.Oh yeah? So you wouldn’t be upset if he ignored your little suggestive comment? Or if his next letter would be cold again?
My steps had turned into agitated stomps and I let out an annoyed huff.
“Great,” I muttered. “Now you’re arguing with a voice in your head. Totally normal.”
I didn’t want to admit, even to myself, how much I wanted to find out if I could get under his skin. Part of me even wished I could witness the moment he first read my letter. Would he show any emotion, or would he remain stoic no matter what?
It felt like he was continuously knocking me off kilter and the idea of maybe being able to blindside him, amused me.
The thought of him enjoying this should have unsettled me, but for some reason it made my pulse race with excitement. It usually took about a week for him toanswer me, and I found myself already counting down the days.
This is still safe. He can’t reach me. He can’t touch me.
And I absolutely did not want him to, either.
Chapter 10
Sasha
May 2nd
Addy,
You knew exactly what you were doing with your opening line. If you didn’t, you’re even more dangerous than you think.
People are always more honest when they’re alone with a page and someone who’s paying attention. Especially when they realize they’re being seen without being interrupted. Without being corrected, without being told to be smaller.
You don’t sound ashamed; you sound relieved.
I feel like we could continue this for decades and we’d never run out of stories to swap or things to talk about. You’re way more interesting than you give yourself credit for.
Can’t say I’m a fan of you telling me you could have written to someone else instead. The idea of you sayingthese things to some other motherfucker doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t compete for attention. I keep what’s given deliberately. And this was deliberate.