“I smell a midlife crisis,” Izzy teased.
“You’re one to talk.”Fuck. Why did I say that?As I was taking my foot out of my mouth, Noah tried to deflect from the secret he knew I was referring to.
“Hey, I need my truck for work.”
“Shut the fuck up, Noah. You told him, didn’t you?” Izzy’s voice was reaching the high-pitched pissed mode that rarely made an appearance.
“We’re on our way to Lidia’s now,” Noah said, ignoring his wife.
“Don’t gloss over the subject. Jack, you can’t lie to me.” From Izzy’s tone, I knew there was no saving myself from the hole I had just dug.
I took a deep breath. “Noah was just excited and we were celebrating. I couldn’t be happier for the two of you. It’s about damn time you make me an uncle.”
“Thanks. Just don’t tell my mom you knew first.” Izzy’s voice mellowed with a deep sigh.
“My lips are sealed,” I promised.
“I’ve heard that before,” Noah chimed in before Izzy said goodbye.
Letting the roasted lamb chops rest on the counter, I begrudgingly scrolled through the messages I had been avoiding.
The first five all said the same standard line:Hello, handsome.
Come on, be original.
I quickly learned to be careful what I wished for yet again.
The next few messages were freaking gems.
Rhonda: We’re a match! The next step is to set a wedding date, right? I already have the perfect dress picked out!
Good God. Crazy.Blocked.
Bri: Before we take this any further, do you have a problem with large female genitalia?
What does that even mean? Gross.Blocked.
Fifi: Does this mean I am not going to be a virgin by the end of the week?
That has to be a joke. Please be a joke.Blocked.
Hilary: Are you Jewish? Cause the way you’re looking in those pictures, I’m beginning to think Jewish your dick was deep in my mouth.
Have some class. Shut up, Hilary.Blocked.
Marge: Can I call you daddy?
No. Hell fucking no.Blocked.
Gigi: If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cute-cumber.
That’s kind of adorable.
Clicking on her picture, I realized I must have swiped right by accident. I’d never thought of myself as a shallow person, but everyone needs some kind of standards, right? I just couldn’t see how I could get past the busted yellow teeth or the nose that looked like it belonged on the Wicked Witch of the West. Blocked.
Apparently, there were tons of fish in the sea, but I was left with all the grunts and suckerfish.
Maybe this whole online thing isn’t for me.