I knew I shouldn’t have risked coming here but maybe there was a small part of me that didn’t want to admit that I hoped to run into him. Just to see him. Talk to him. Be around him. This week has been miserable and I only have myself to blame.
“I didn’t realize you wanted me to give you my daily itinerary.” I yank my arm out of his grip and start walking in the direction of my car, wishing that I didn’t completely hate that Lucas doesn’t hesitate to follow, completely forgetting about going into Metric’s.
“No.” Lucas scratches the back of his neck. “But I would kind of like a response when you storm out of my apartment and I text you to make sure you got home okay.”
“Lucas, we live in the same building.”
I stop walking so that I’m now staring directly at Lucas, which proves to be a mistake because my heart does that stupid fluttery thing it likes to fucking do whenever I’m near him.
“I know,” he sighs and shoves his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. “You just—you seemed upset and I…did I say or do something you didn’t like?”
Yes.
No.
Yes and no.
I switch my coffee cup to my other hand for no other reason than needing to buy more time to think of what to say. I can’t tellLucas that the other night felt a little too real for me. I looked at him and saw someone who wanted to get to know me.
Which could’ve been fine if I didn’t go and open my mouth and start to slowly give Lucas parts of me that no one is supposed to have.
It’s safer that way. For the both of us.
“Lucas,” I begin, telling myself that what I’m about to say is for the best. “We had sex, that was it. You don’t need to worry about my feelings.”
Fuck. That sounded bitchy.
I know it sounded bitchy,so I don’t even know why I keep going. A glutton for punishment, I guess.
I rub my lips tightly together, my body’s way of telling me to quit while I’m ahead. To not say the shit I’m about to say but I never listen.
“I know you like me or whatever,” I huff. “But I can’t pretend that I want to be with you just to make you feel better, Lucas.”
It’s like the entire world stops at this moment. The sounds of cars driving by and music playing from a restaurant nearby all become muffled. They’re just background noise to the racing of my own heart.
Take it back. Take it back. Take it back.
My throat tightens and I feel like I’m suffocating on my own cruelty.
The gentle smile that’s usually permanent on Lucas’s face falls. Not at once but slowly as if each word hits him, one by one. His eyes don’t meet mine and he takes a step back, creating the space between us that I wanted but am quickly regretting.
“I didn’t mean to make you feel that way, Denise.” His voice is so soft it kills me. Why isn’t he yelling at me? “I just thought…you know what, never mind. It doesn’t matter what I thought.” He offers me a smile but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
God, it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“Sorry for reading into things.”
No, this isn’t right. He shouldn’t be the one apologizing right now but I can’t bring myself to say anything. I just stand here on the sidewalk, letting this entire thing play out.
Because I don’t understand how he’s not angrier. Did I expect him to drop down onto his knees and beg? No. Did I think he’d throw an angry fit? Of course not.
But somehow his anger would be easier to handle right now. Not his gentle voice, like he’s the one that should be careful with my heart right now. I can’t stomach how amazing of a person he is. This just proves my point that I’m no good for him.
“Thanks for um…” I clear my throat, forcing back tears. “For being cool about it.”
“Sure.” He nods his head. “See you around, Stryker.”
I nod my head and give him an awkward wave as he turns to walk away. I can’t help but watch him leave until he’s turned the corner and moved out of sight.