I had to move forward, not back.
“Clutch I don’t think either one of us was honest in that relationship…”
“Don’t…” he tried to cut me off but I had to keep going.
“Tell me that the man you were when we were dating, the man who proposed to me… the man I wanted everything with was actually you.”
“Please…” He wiped some of the tears away from my face with his thumbs, I don’t even know if he knew what he was asking for.
“I loved Declan, I loved him so much. Like I never knew I could love. But he was the lie… The promises made were all lies and the dreams we had… and Bex…. she was a lie too and she is gone and I… I don’t know who I am or what….”
I could barely get the words out. Part of me wanted to give in, collapse into his arms and let him take away all the pain, but the other part knew he had caused some of the pain that I was struggling with.
I could hear a vehicle coming down the road, the dust started to stir around us as Clutch put his forehead to mine whispering, “ok baby, Iam so so sorry… I love you so much, that will never be a lie. Please know that.”
Then he kissed my forehead and with his lips still warm on my skin he whispered, “Goodbye, Bex.”
And then he was gone. His bike came out from around the side of the building a few moments later, he didn’t look at me, didn’t slow. He passed the truck with Marvin and Trevor in it.
I was left standing in the dust and had no idea about how to deal with or feel about any of it.What just happened?
CHAPTER 44
- A NAME
It had been a week since I last saw Clutch. And I didn’t know how to feel about that. I think that may be my new normal. This feeling of overwhelming emotion without understanding what to do with it, where to put it. So I did what I am good at. I took time alone to go over all the information I had been given, to dissect what had happened removed from the emotions tied to it.
Clutch and the Dawnbreakers had killed Razor and then systematically removed every threat to me. I didn’t know how or why… But I did have Marvin verify the information. And… they were all gone… Part of me wanted to believe it was loyalty to Clutch, but then I would re-read the messages from Remi, which I still hadn’t responded to. I wasn't sure if I would. She made it sound as if it wasn’t just Clutch who had changed.
Instead of the usual replaying of the night I left in my dreams, I kept seeing his face… the anguish in his eyes. The way he cried... I had never seen him like that before. And then the sound of his voice, the whisper of his lips on my skin when he said goodbye.
It felt final. And I knew that it was what I should want, but my heart hadn’t gotten the memo. Marvin told me I looked like someone had kicked my puppy and I should go back to my life. Trevor told me to stay and make a life for myself here. But if I were being honest with myself, I didn’t know if either of those options felt right to me.
We were cleaning up from dinner when I heard the unmistakable rumble of bikes. At one point in my life, I loved that sound because it meant that Clutch was coming back to me. Now I had no idea what it meant.
Marvin moved first, grabbing a shotgun. “Get in your spot, Molly.”
I shook my head. “Marv, if they are coming here, it's because they are coming for me, and I am not letting you go out there and face them without me.”
He grumbled something I couldn’t understand but then followed closely behind me, flanked by Trevor as I stepped out onto the front porch.
Dusk was dancing on the horizon as I watched a line of bikes approach the property. I held my breath as I watched them slow and then Angel turn into the drive, followed by a long line. They drove about three quarters of the way before a Bronco pulled past them and parked off to the side, then Clutch passed the group and stopped his bike out in front of everyone.
My heart was pounding so hard, I felt like everyone could hear it.
Clutch got off his bike and walked towards me. Then he did something I never imagined I would see him do. He took off his cut and threw it on the ground, the dust kicking up around it. Black leather splayed out in the reddish brown dirt. Immediately my eyes scanned the group, waiting for someone to react, to tell him to stop. Demand him to respect the cut and his club, but no one did. All their eyes were onme.
What was happening?
No one said a thing as the prospect, I recognized from the night I ran, got out of the Bronco with something folded in his hands. He walked up to Clutch, handing him what looked like a bottle of something. Clutch squirted it on his cut and then reached for the folded item, looking right at me and then threw it on his cut… and I realized suddenly that it was mine. He had my cut or pieces of it... The blood smudged Dawnbreakers emblem stood out against the black leather. Then he squirted the liquid on my cut as well, before stepping back and handing the bottle to the Prospect.
I couldn’t hear anything, the blood was roaring in my eyes. I was zoned in on Clutch as he grabbed something from his pocket and then pulled a lighter, lighting the item in his hand before looking at me one more time and then throwing the lit object onto the cuts. They burst into flames immediately.
Oh. My. God. What is he doing?
I must have said it out loud because he gave me a sad smile and placed his left hand over his heart… his left hand that still had his ring.
I wanted to move, to do something. But I felt frozen in place. I watched as the prospect moved towards Clutch, handed him a set of keys and then walked to his bike. Then he nodded at me and got on Clutch’s bike and with it all the engines revved, and they all started to file out of the drive. Angel led, and one by one they all left Clutch standing in the dust with the cuts burning at his feet.