“Ohhhhh…” slipped out of her like it was a breath she was holding. She studied me for a moment and then looked back at the fire.
She hummed to herself while finishing off her smore and then wiped her hands on her pants, still looking at the fire she asked, “You haven’t seen or heard from her since?”
It felt like the words were trapped in my throat, so I shook my head and then looked at the fire, wiping the tears away from my face.
We sat in silence for a while and then it felt like the words that wouldn't come earlier all came bubbling up at once. “It’s killing me not seeing her, not hearing her voice… Her laugh. I fucked up, I destroyed us and at first I thought it was just at the end. But I realized that I had been slowly breaking us for a long time and she… she was slowly shrinking, disappearing and instead of recognizing that… seeing what was actually happening it pissed me off and then I wouldpush. I said things… I…”
I took in a ragged breath feeling like everything was trying to claw its way out of me.
Tears slipped free faster now, “I wasn’t a good husband, Remi. I wasn’t. But I want to be. I want to fix it. I love her. Even though I probably didn’t show it. She probably doesn’t believe it. I want her to know that she is safe with me. That I made it safe for her…”
I buried my face in my hands, trying to slow the tears.
She gave me a few minutes to calm myself and then quietly she asked, “How have you made it safe for her?”
We sat for hours talking about everything that had happened since Bex left, everything that led up to it, how I had found her parents, the house and the property and that I hadn’t stopped thinking about her.
At the end of the night I walked her to the room she was staying in and before she walked in she turned to me and asked, “What happens if she never comes back?”
It wasn’t the first time someone had asked me that question, but it was the first time I felt like I knew the answer.
“Then I will die loving her, knowing that I didn’t earn her love back.”
We stood there silently in the hallway for what felt like forever, her eyes trailing over my face, before she nodded and turned walking into her room.
CHAPTER 41
CLUTCH - EXCELLENT LEFT HOOK
I thought Four was going to kill Jack when he showed up at the clubhouse, looking for Remi. She had told us about her ex, the one who wanted her to ask him to stay. The one who wouldn’t make the choice on his own. We had no idea that he was also the one who had been fucking with Four for over 6 months.
Remi managed to talk Four down and left me with parting words that still linger with me.
“You need to tell her why, Clutch. Tell her your heart. Stop hiding behind bravado, ego and all that macho MC bullshit. If you love her, say it. Stop pretending you’re not breakable.”
I was feeling vulnerable, exposed, “You think it would even matter?”
She hesitated. “I don’t know. But if you don’t say it, you’ll always wonder. She deserves to know... even if she chooses to stay away.”
I knew what she was saying was true, but part of me was terrified that if I did find Bex she could push me away for good. I nodded, not able to speak and stepped back, needing space… needing to find her.
Shortly after Remi left the clubhouse with Chief Gray and Jack, Cypher flagged chatter that had come in. He had been monitoring a few high profile people we thought were involved in the trafficking ring and when a truckload of evidence hit the web it was the final link we needed. It also happened to be the same group we were meant to protect Remi from.
It didn’t take long before Cypher got an encrypted message from an unknown source giving us the coordinates to not only help Remi and her friends but also tie up some of the few final loose ends.
Angel called Gavin asking him to bring Mara to the clubhouse and for him to help keep guard. Four asked Dani to stay back with Cal andkeep everyone left at the clubhouse calm. Meg… Cupcake was gearing up with the rest of the club when Cypher pulled her aside, I don't know what was said. But when he walked away from her she tried to hide the tears in her eyes and she told Angel she would stay back and keep guard with Gavin and a few of the prospects.
We made it to the forest just outside of the Chief’s cabin just in time, we moved in quickly, took out any remaining threats and managed to secure a few to question later. They were instrumental in us finding the last few predators on our list.
We had done it, we had wiped out an entire organization of monsters who profited off of trafficking children.
The last two leads on a possible location for Bex had been busts and I was starting to feel like maybe she was gone for good. Maybe I would never get a chance to make things right. I hated the look of pity I could see on the faces at the club, so I pulled away. Worked on the finishing touches at the house, slept in my truck on days that I didn’t want to be around anyone, crashed at Four’s when I did and occasionally grabbed a nights sleep in a spare room at the clubhouse. But I felt untethered, I felt restless and if I was being honest with myself… heartbroken.
I needed to do something different, so I went to Angel’s office, the door was closed so I knocked. It took a minute but then I heard Angel, telling me to come in. When I entered the office Cypher was behind the desk with Angel, his laptop open in front of them. They both stared at me with looks I couldn’t place, maybe I was too tired to try to understand.
Angel cleared his throat and said, “How can I help you, Clutch?”
I sighed and then got right to it, “I need to take off for a bit, maybe a week or two. I just need to ride, clear my head. Get some space.”