“You wanna tell me what’s crawled up your ass?” I ask.
She snorts but otherwise doesn’t say anything or even turn around to look at me. That’s okay. I can stand here for a whole fucking month before I need to go anywhere. A few seconds go by, and I watch as her shoulders deflate and she lets out a whoosh of air.
Then she stands, turns around to face me, her eyes finding mine, and I see the sadness in her gaze. When she speaks, I know that I should have anticipated her high emotional state, but as I said, I’m not good at any of this kind of stuff.
“What’s crawled up my ass, as you put it, is the fact that this is real. It’s not a thought anymore. My bakery, my life’s passion, is going to be handed off to someone else. And while I’m happy they want it, that doesn’t mean I don’t mourn it. I mourn my whole life here. As sad and pathetic as it was.”
“Sad and pathetic?”
Her lips twitch into a smirk, and she shakes her head as if she can’t believe I’m speaking to her, or rather, maybe she can’t believe what I’ve said. But I’ve said it, and I’m waiting for her response.
“Don’t act like I was anything but that, Gunnar. That my existence wasn’t just plain sad. It’s the whole reason I said yes to this, to leaving my world behind and starting over with a perfect stranger.”
“Your bakery, your family, and being near them isn’t pathetic.”
“But my existence was. You don’t see it because you are living the dream. I wanted more, though. I wanted a shot at my own family, at children, at being a mother. That isn’t going to happen here.”
Biting the inside of my cheek, I don’t try to deny her words, because she’s probably right. If she were waiting around for me to give her any of those things, she would have been waiting forever.
“I told you why I couldn’t do any of that,” I point out.
This conversation, this argument, it’s going to be just the two of us talking in circles. I know it as much as she does. It is absolutely pointless. I watch as she wraps her arms around herself, almost as if she’s attempting to give herself a comforting hug.
“Yes, you did. But being here with you, even if I had known about your father earlier, I know I would never have been able to move forward with someone else, because…”
“Because?” I ask when her words trail off.
Her eyes find mine, and she gives me everything she’s thinking in one simple look. But she doesn’t leave it there. She continues. I think it’s more of her needing to get it all off her chest.
Which I don’t blame her for. I fucked her up even though I tried to stay away. My attempts were all for naught because right now, she’s giving me all of her hurt, projecting it toward me, and it causes my own chest to ache.
“Because the more I see you, the more it hurts. I’m in love with you, Gunnar. I’ve been in love with you. It was killing me slowly to be near you and yet so far away. I was never going to find anyone else, not here in Thunder Rock.”
“I know,” I whisper.
And I do.
Even though I didn’t want to hear her say it, I needed to hear it. I knew. Selfishly, I didn’t take myself out of the equation a long time ago the way I should have. I didn’t want to walk away from her.
I wanted to be near her, hear her voice, and see her smile. I needed to be close by in case she needed me at her back, and there were a few times she did. And now I’ve tasted her, I’ve been inside her, and it’s making it even harder to let her go.
CHAPTER TWENTY
VIKING
Pushing off the doorjamb,I move toward her. I should let this shit lie. Let her hate me, allow her to run away. It would be the healthiest thing for both of us to do. But I’m not a very healthy guy. I’m not a particularly good man, either.
Lainey backs up as I approach. I am no doubt frightening her. I’m not trying to be soft. Not trying to be gentle in any way. I crowd her. When her back slams against the wall, I lift my hand to wrap my fingers around the front of her throat and the other I curl around her waist.
Pressing my chest against hers, I lower my head even more, brushing my lips across hers. Flexing my fingers around her throat, I growl against her mouth before I speak.
“I’m the asshole here, Lainey. I know I am, and I can’t change it.”
Her lips part slightly as she lets out an exhale. I lift my mouth from hers, resting my forehead against hers. Foolish fucking asshole and foolish fucking games. That’s what this is, and I’ve ruined her life over it.
Ruined my life, too, if I allow myself to be honest.
But I continue because I allowed myself to have that taste, and I can’t get enough of her. Even though we fucked just a few hours ago. I’m addicted to her. I need her like I need my next breath.