I can’t allow it.
I will not and cannot allow myself to hope. Not anymore. And loving him any deeper than I already do is a form of hope.
“What?” I ask, trying not to snap at him. I’m not sure I succeeded. In fact, I’m pretty sure he flinches at my tone.
“You’re upset,” he murmurs. “But don’t walk away from all you’ve built because you’re upset.”
Instead of screaming at him, telling him that I’ve given myself no choice but to walk away, I only shake my head once.
“I’m not upset, and I’m not walking away because of that. I’m walking away from this because it’s the best thing I can do in this situation.”
“The best thing,” he mutters. “That’s what you always do, right? The best thing.”
I almost laugh in his face because that’s rich coming from him—like a double chocolate cake with chocolate cream, chocolate ganache, and chocolate buttercream.
So damn rich.
Taking a step backward, I think about turning and running from him. I don’t, though, not because I stop myself but because he wraps his fingers around my wrist and stops me himself.
“Gunnar?” I ask.
It’s his turn to shake his head once. His gaze doesn’t leave mine, and then he clears his throat. He tugs his hand backward, forcing me to tumble toward him. Before I fall, he wraps his arm around my waist to settle me, but also pulls me a bit closer to him.
“You don’t always do the right thing, do you, baby?” he asks softly.
His words send a chill of desire up my spine, and I have to press my thighs together. It’s only been minutes since he was inside me, but I want him there again… now. Instead of verbalizing my answer, I bite the center of my bottom lip and scrape my teeth backward, releasing my skin.
“I try to do the best thing for my family,” I exhale.
Because even though what I’m doing, marrying Paul, is what’s best for the club, too, I’m really doing it for Axton and Millie. For all my girls. I’m doing it to keep the peace. I want everyone to be happy, and I want a chance at something more than just being a spectator in my own life.
My words annoy him. I know they do. I watch it consume his face. I annoy him. At least right now, I do. He wants somethingfrom me, but I’m not sure what. I can’t cancel the contract. There’s no need for that. Because even if he wanted to keep me, he won’t.
Gunnar has made it clear that this is for now, to scratch our itches and satisfy our curiosities.
Nothing more.
Nothing less.
He knows how I feel about him, and I know that while he likes me, while he enjoys what we do, he’ll never be his father. And he perceives us being together as a betrayal of the club and of my brother. It’s a line he won’t cross any further than a few hookups until I leave.
Which, in some twisted thought process, must make sense to him. To me, it feels confusing. I’m trying to compartmentalize, but the lines are beginning to blur. Especially since I really want him to touch me right now.
VIKING
Gripping the handlebars of my bike, I wonder why the fuck I am doing this. I should drop her ass off at Piggy’s and just fucking ride. I could be a nomad for a while, or if I didn’t want to do that, maybe I could just do all of the runs for the club and stay away as much as possible.
When we pull up to the house, I park my bike before I pinch my eyes closed. Opening them, I clear my throat and turn my head to tell Lainey that she can get off, but she’s already walking toward the front door.
Obviously, she’s pissed at me for some reason. Well, maybe I know the reason. I’m not making this shit easy on her, but I only have a month to get her to see that she deserves more out of life.
I know she doesn’t deserve me; it would be cocky to assume she would. Honest to fuck, nobody fucking deserves to have me at their side, not as a partner. As a good fuck, as a protector, sure. I’m good at being at someone’s back, helping them in any way needed. But at their side, being a partner? Wouldn’t know how to do it. Wouldn’t even know how to try.
She lets herself inside, and I follow behind her, locking her door as soon as I’m fully inside. Lainey isn’t anywhere nearby. I think about leaving her alone. She’s obviously pissed about something, but because I’m a glutton for punishment, I go in search of her.
She’s not hard to find.
Lainey is in her bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed, her back to me. Leaning against the doorjamb, I cross my arms over my chest and watch her for a long moment. I’m sure she can sense my presence. It’s not like I can sneak up on anyone, not with my weight and size. Me trying to walk quietly sounds like a goddamn elephant parade on my best day.