She couldn’t figure out what exactly that was, though.
The air fae exhaled, and tears slipped down his cheeks.Tears. She’d never seen him cry, not once during all the years of their acquaintance.
“I thought I was going to lose you,” Nikhail admitted.
There was so much to unpack in that sentence, and River’s mind whirled. Seeming to realize she needed time to think, Nikhail snagged a water bottle from behind him. He twisted off the cap before holding it to her lips. He watched as she drank, a silver line streaking down his cheek.
Nikhail was hurting, and his pain felt like it was River’s in a way that didn’t fully make sense. She wanted to raise her hand and wipe his tear away. She wanted to ensure that Nikhail never got hurt again.
Which was insane.
Right?
It seemed that way.
Unable to parse through all the complicated feelings coursing through her, River settled for licking her dry lips and murmuring, “You’re crying.”
He tipped his chin but didn’t attempt to wipe away the evidence of his pain. “I thought I’d lost you to your magic. That the storm had taken you.”
Nikhail’s words shook something loose inside River. Reminded her of why she was here. What she’d done.
Tight bands wrapped around River’s chest, squeezing tighter and tighter as fragmented memories washed through her mind.Bits and pieces slowly came back to her, each more devastating than the last.
She remembered pulling over on the side of the road.
Clambering out of the car.
Falling to the ground.
Threads of control, slipping out of her hands.
Her magic, racing out of her.
Her soul fragmenting. Breaking. Not cleanly, into a few pieces that could easily be mended. No, it had shattered.
And if River had broken, if she’d lost control again, even after all her efforts to keep her magic at bay…
“No,” she whispered pleadingly. She didn’t know who she was directing the word to, but it didn’t stop her from repeating it over and over again in her mind.
No, no, no.
Please, gods,no.
River wished that this wasn’t real, that she was still stuck in that dark, unknowing place from before. Because that…
Gods help her, but that had been better than this.
Better than piecing the scattered shards of her memory together. Better than remembering what had happened. Better than being forced to sit in the knowledge of what had pushed her over the edge.
Everything ached.
Her heart, her mind, hersoul.
“My dad is gone. Isn’t he?” River could barely force the words out of her lips, but she had to know. Had to hear Nikhail confirm it. Hearing the words would make her nightmares real.
His gaze was sympathetic, and even before he spoke, sheknew. Still yet, she waited for him to hoarsely whisper, “I’m sorry, River.”
Tears welled, and her bottom lip wobbled. “He’s… he died.”