By the timeRiver’s tears ran their course, it felt like she would never cry again. She hadn’t even known it was possible to hold so much grief and pain inside oneself.
Nikhail held her while she grieved. He was a silent, grounding force—one that she hadn’t realized she needed until he became that for her.
At some point, Nikhail had draped a blanket over her shoulders. River clung to the edges, holding it tight around her. It wasn’t the softest material, and her skin prickled where the blanket made contact with it, but that was… fine.
River didn’t deserve comfort.
Not now, when she was broken and had lost controlagain.
“What now?” she asked quietly, when it felt like she could speak again. The question, like so many others she’d asked since waking up, was layered.
What would she do now that her father was gone? Where would she go from here?
Was there any point in studying the Stillness when she’d been unable to save her own flesh and blood?
What would she do about her magic, since she’d obviously been right all along and was a hazard to others?
How would she return to work—assuming she even still had a job, which was doubtful, since she’d just vanished for two weeks, and her boss had hated her before that happened?
Where would she go?
River couldn’t live the rest of her life in the Hub. Putting aside the fact that this was a military building that wasn’t meant to serve as a long-term residence, she had a family. A life. A past to atone for.
“What am I going to do?” she whispered.
Nikhail shifted. His brows furrowed, and he studied her for a long moment. Placing his finger under her chin, he lifted her face until her eyes met his.
“You are going to keep moving, River.”
Her breath caught, but he wasn’t done.
“When life feels too heavy to keep going, when everything hurts and there doesn’t seem to be a solution, you continue putting one foot in front of the other. You keep walking forward, even when doing so takes everything you have.”
River’s heartbeat was a booming drum in her ears.
“It feels so challenging,” she admitted. Thinking about an hour from now felt impossible, let alone what might happen tomorrow. “Like I’m caught in a never-ending storm.”
The emptiness. Her grief. The exhaustion.
His lips parted. “River?—”
“There are so many clouds, Nik. So much darkness.” She gripped the edges of the blanket, holding it tighter around her, as if that could stop her from feeling this way. “It’s all so heavy.”
River wasn’t sure if she’d ever feel light again. There was a weight on her soul that was growing more burdensome with each passing moment.
Everything felt like too much. Getting out of this bed, leaving this room, facing her brother and mother. Dealing with all thelifebeyond these doors.
How could she tackle all that when she could barely keep her thoughts in order?
“I know.” Nikhail didn’t offer empty platitudes or meaningless promises that things would miraculously get better. “But you’re not going to give up. Even in the darkness, even when the clouds are at their worst and everything feels impossible, you just keep moving through the storm.”
He tugged the blanket free from her grip and laced their fingers together. His hand was so warm that her breath caught in her throat.
“Let me help you,” he said. “If you’re tired, lean on me. If you can no longer move, let me carry you.”
River drew in a shaky breath. His words sounded good, but… “You didn’t sign up for this, Nik,” she said quietly. “You didn’t… I can’t ask this of you.”
She couldn’t ask it of anyone.