The peace was good. For the first time since Nikhail had left the hospital all those weeks ago, River felt like she could breathe properly. The storm that was perpetually present in her veins quieted at the sight of him, and the knot that had twisted around her heart when she’d come through the iron gates of Waterborn House yesterday unraveled.
That was good. It felt right in a way that nothing else did. At any other time, River would’ve reveled in the feeling.
But not today.
Today, she wouldn’t be reveling in anything. She had a plan, and even though she hated it, even though the very thought of it pained her, she needed to see it through.
Looking at Nikhail, thinking about him, and even dreaming about him wasn’t fair to either of them.
Over the past few weeks, River had reached a devastating, heart-wrenching conclusion. She’d cried herself to sleep every single night since she’d come to the decision. Ember had tried telling her that she was making the wrong choice, that there had to be another way, but in her heart of hearts, River knew she was doing the right thing.
The thing that Ember didn’t understand—that no one really understood—was that River was the Cursed One. Dangerous tempests resided in her veins, and death was just a flick of her fingers away.
She’d been reminded of this on the night of her storm, and again, when Nikhail had been shot.
Even though River was drawn to Nikhail, even though every single part of her wanted to get close to him, she couldn’t give in to those desires. The feeling within her, the one pulling her towards him, was just that: a feeling.
That’s all it could ever be. She would never allow it to grow, never allow it to blossom into something more. It wasn’t that she didn’t care about Nikhail. If anything, she cared about him far more than she should.
The problem was that the Incident had been the worst night of River’s entire life. Ever since her storm two months ago, it kept playing on repeat in her mind. The nightmares had only increased after Nikhail got shot, and most nights, the screams of the dying were so loud that she barely slept.
She’d stopped trying to shut out the nightmares, though. They were a sign. A reminder of her fate. A harbinger of what could happen if she lost control again.
River was the Cursed One, and she would always be alone. She couldn’t risk opening her heart to anyone, couldn’t fall in love, because she was ill-fated and doomed to be a bringer of death and darkness. Caring for her—loving her—was a burden she refused to put on anyone.
No, over the past few weeks, River had come to the awful realization that she had to steel her heart against Nikhail. It was for his own good.
River had told Eliza as much when they met last week. Her therapist had told her that this wasn’t a healthy mindset, but even though River respected the other woman, she knew Eliza Fern was wrong.
Falling in love was something that normal, uncursed people got to do. River could not do it—she wouldn’t allow herself to open up like that. The dangers were too great. What if she lostcontrol? What if the curse slipped past her magic, and she hurt the one she loved most?
The thought was like being dunked into the Black Sea on a bitter winter night. She shivered as a mental image of Nikhail’s lifeless, cold body floating in waters of her own making passed through her mind. His skin was pale, his lips were blue, and his empty eyes stared at the sky.
Worse.
It seemed inconceivable, but that would beworsethan everything else River had already done. She’d killed an entire village when she was fifteen, but she hadn’t known them. Not really.
It wasn’t that River didn’t care about the deaths she’d caused. Gods above, she cared so fucking much that sometimes, she could barely breathe as the horror of what she’d done, the destruction she’d wrought, settled upon her. Even though nearly a decade had passed since the Incident, she carried the weight of every single life she’d taken on her shoulders. She would never forget them.
The Incident had nearly broken River, threatening to shatter her psyche into a million pieces. Ryker had been the glue keeping her together, making sure she wasn’t irrevocably broken.
That night had been the source of River’s nightmares for years, but hurting someone she loved would be a thousand times worse. If her curse took someone she cared about from her, she’d never recover.
Seeing Nikhail in the hospital bed and watching him bleed out had been one of the worst moments of River’s life, and she hadn’t even caused his injuries.
But if she did hurt him, if he—gods forbid—died because of her…
Sands save her.
River would be a shell of herself, nothing more. She’d be unable to care for her father or anyone else. If she were broken, she wouldn’t be able to save anyone or atone for her sins.
She’d be a traumatized, broken mess.
The solution was simple, really. It probably would’ve been laughable if it hadn’t been so devastatingly awful and heartbreaking.
If River never loved Nikhail, if she never let him into her heart, her curse wouldn’t touch him. He’d be safe from her, and he would remain unbroken. He would be better off if she stayed away from him, if he never got close enough to be affected by her storm.
River was doomed to live in darkness, and Nikhail was full of life. He didn’t deserve to be tainted by her curse.