Hedy sat up and sneezed, sending blood and beetles everywhere. “If you have any other pets in your party, a mechanical vehicle won’t ever try to eat them.”
And there it was.
From next door I heard the revving of a high-octane engine. The walls of our garage shook.
“You,” Donut said, pointing at Hedy. “I choose you.”
“Ha!” Hedy shouted.
“Wait, wait, please,” Waldrip Chris said, backing away, still holding his head. “You could get a Cloud Cheetah. With their speed and agility?—”
“I’m quite sorry, Waldrip Chris,” Donut said, “but we are in a hurry. I’m afraid we will be going with something that’s notgoing to eat my Mongo. We choose mechanical. And just a word of advice for your next job interview. I would refrain from?—”
Blam!
Waldrip Chris exploded in a spray of red and green mist.
“Gah!” I called, jumping back as Donut yowled.
Mechanical has been chosen. Your Mechanic is Hedy.
[ 2 ]
Hedy the gremlindidn’t react at the sudden detonation of her co-applicant. She was already running for the front of the garage. She leaped and grabbed the chain, pulling the door open. “As soon as it appears, jump in! You come in last place, you die just like Waldrip Chris! Me, too, so get your asses in gear! Only one of you touch the steering wheel or controls. You can’t drive two heats in a row, and there’s only two of you! Don’t come in last! Do whatever you can to not come in last!”
Before either of us could react, a giant wheel appeared, plopping into existence over the soupy remains of the exploded gremlin. There were a hundred-plus spots on the round apparatus, and each spot consisted of a vague cartoon silhouette of a vehicle. I only had time to see a few before it started spinning. One was a literal school bus. Another appeared to be a Hummer. These were all Earth-based vehicles of various sizes. I caught sight of what looked like a moped followed by a massive dump truck.
“Do we need speed?” I called. “Or something armored?”
“You get what you get,” Hedy called as she struggled with the door. As she pulled it up, a black asphalt road was revealed. It was dark outside. Multiple shapes were emerging, both drivingand walking as they pulled up to a line. “The track conditions and hazards are gonna change each time! First three races will all be paved!”
As the wheel turned, the countdown timer suddenly froze with twenty seconds left. The dungeon loudspeaker crackled to life. The wheel continued to spin.
A familiar voice called out into the garage.
You’re all going to die. You should already be dead. You idiots should have all taken deals. You did it to torture me, didn’t you? Why are you fighting it? Why? Why are you still alive? Why am I still alive? Why won’t you let me die?
The button remained pressed for several seconds, and we could hear the sound of her just sitting there, bubbling.
Everything hurts.
There was a blare of feedback, and then the intercom cut off.
“Uh, Carl,” Donut asked. “Was that the ‘kill, kill, kill’ lady?”
“It was,” I said.
The wheel slowed.
The loudspeaker crackled a second time, but this time it was clearly Zev’s voice. She sounded harried as if she’d had to dive for the loudspeaker.
Uh, hello. Everyone. It looks like we have just over 5,500 crawlers who survived Faction Wars and decided they wanted to continue on. That means there were almost 15,000 who took a deal, which is fantastic, and a record. The system AI has asked me to tell you to ignore what’s happening on any other floors and to—and this is a quote—“Focus on the floor like everything is normal. Because everything is normal. Ignore all those armies trying to literally vaporize the solar system. F-you if you think overwise.” Uh, okay, okay. “Fuck you if you think overwise.” What my, uh, colleague wastrying to say just before is, this is the tenth floor. The floor is called “Don’t come in last.” I guess you can figure out what that means. The floor will consist of seven heats, or races, starting with nine teams each.
You’ve been split into teams no bigger than four, and if you’re solo, you’ve been teamed up with one or two other crawlers. It looks like the final number of teams is exactly 1,800, which is a lot more than we originally planned, as you can imagine. And since every track is different, we’ve had to allow the AI to design most of these tracks. So, uh, keep that in mind.
As Zev spoke, the wheel slowed. The choices all came into view. Snowmobile. Something I was pretty sure was a library bookmobile. The Popemobile. It kept slowly moving. A forklift. Some sort of military missile launcher. Zev continued.
Your vehicle or creature will always be 100% repaired or healed between races as long as your garage attendant remains alive. At the end of each heat, you will be able to choose an upgrade for your vehicle or creature. If you come in first place in a heat, you can choosethreeregular upgrades or one Golden upgrade. At the end of the fourth heat, everyone gets one Golden upgrade of their choice. Also, if you come in last... well, second to last, then the audience gets to vote for your upgrade. You’ll always get a hint of what the next heat will be, and you’ll need to pay attention because you might need an upgrade that will help you survive the next environment.