The pinkish furry thing on the unicorn’s head had a tail wrapped around the base of the opalescent horn, presumably anchoring it in place. The thing was just a little smaller than Donut. She was like a mix between a rat and a chinchilla. She had two legs, two monkey-like arms, and a rodent head. She’d have been cute if her vein-covered, red eyes hadn’t been bulging out of her head, giving the impression she was on the verge of literally exploding. She also wore a mini race-car-driver helmet that was white with a blue stripe down the center.
When the fuzzy, bug-eyed creature spoke, she had a high-pitched French accent completely at odds with the voice of her partner.
“Who else would he be talking to, you corpulent swine?” the rodent shouted. “Move before we are forced to make you roadkill.”
The creature whispered something to Dwight the unicorn, who laughed.
“What? What did you say?” Donut yelled, getting more outraged by the second. “If you think I’m going to allow myself to just get insulted by a tumor donkey and a crack-addict Mickey Mouse, you both are in for a rude awakening. I’ll have you know I am practically twice both of your levels, and I’m quite sure that stupid mount of yours is flammable. In fact, let’s test?—”
“Donut,” I called before she did something stupid, “let them go around.”
I examined the two creatures, starting with the rat.
Lucienne. Mandagot. Level 81 Fink.
One of two members of Team Sparkles.
Warning: This creature worships Diwata and will be automatically hostile toward you because Diwata HATES your ass.
A mandagot is a Fairy-class creature that comes in many shapes, though most are stomach-churning monstrosities that are supposed to be “cute.” These things are a combination of two or three fuzzy woodland creatures. Legend has it that they are born of regular fairies who’ve had relations with forest animals, which is a pretty common occurrence with the freaks who worship Diwata. They have multiple magical abilities and can punch well over their level class, so be wary.
I grunted as I moved my attention to the larger of the two. The unicorn.
Dwight. Sparkling Unicorn. Level 87 Enchanter.
One of two members of Team Sparkles.
I bet you already know what a unicorn is. Asparklingunicorn is pretty much the same thing, but they sparkle because they have even more magic permeating them. Their horns are quite valuable to certain parties, so if you kill him, it’s recommended to grab the horn as quickly as possible.
Most unicorns are regarded for their beauty and their grace and their childlike innocence. They’re generally known for their overly gentle manner.
But not Dwight. Dwight is known for being a complete prick. He’s the type of guy who would call the police on a kid setting up a lemonade stand. He’s the type of guy who would one-star an upcoming video game because the artists had the temerity to draw a female character who didn’t give him an instant erection. He’s the type of guy who, at the office pizzaparty, would take three pieces, knowing there’s not enough to go around.
Donut continued to sputter in outrage. She did not move.
Just behind the round tumbleweed, parked at the entrance to the cave, sat our food truck, and within that truck Mongo screeched with outrage and leaned against the horn.
Make way for the big shot! Bawk!
The plant mount reacted negatively to the horn and burst forward. There was a strange rustling noise, like multiple twigs snapping, but not all at the exact same time. “Gah!” Dwight shouted as the whole thing lurched. We all dove out of the way. Donut jumped upward and over the mount as I dove off the side of the road and fell into the slimy cave water. The two bugbears did the same, but jumped to the other side of the road.
The tumbleweed crawled right over the trailer, skittered over the van, and continued on its way.
“Fuck yoooouuuu!” Dwight called as they disappeared into the darkness.
Sputtering, I pulled myself from the water. I had a level 5 leech attached to my leg, but it immediately died from the Damage Reflect and fell off.
Rend remained in the center of the trailer. He’d been run over by the tumbleweed, and he’d taken a small amount of damage from it. He’d fallen over, and his elephant legs waved in the air before he righted himself. I quickly made sure he was all right. He giggled as I ran my hand over him. He had multiple thorns in his hard skin.
“Poky,” he said as I plucked each one out.
Avernus Creeper Thorn.
Each one of these has the ability to grow into a full-sized Avernus plant. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. It is one of the most invasive plant species known to theuniverse. Whole planets have been lost to this stuff. Seriously.
This thorn will not sprout on this floor. Consider yourself lucky.
I asked Mordecai about the thorns, and as usual with this sort of thing, he was pretty excited. He asked me to save them all but not to take them out of inventory again until we were in the safe room. He was going to buy something called a Botanist’s Table upgrade attachment for his alchemy table.