“It’s ‘a cappella,’?” I called.
“That’s what I said. Don’t ruin it, Carl! Anyway, Penelope, tigers, please listen.”
Both of the Tigrans started screaming. Nico took his hands and attempted to cover the oblivious pig’s ears. It wouldn’t have mattered.
Donut was casting the spellAll Eyes on Me, which under normal circumstances required a song. But because her charisma was so high, she could now cast it with spoken words. After just a few seconds of her talking, they wouldn’t be able to keep their eyes off of her.
“Penelope, I’m sorry, but you need to hear this. I am not saying there’s anything wrong with your little throuple as it currently standsin theory, but I strongly feel all three of you could use some relationship advice. Situationships where two of the members are at each other’s throats are destined to end in heartbreak. It’s all too common with pigs, as they’re famously known to be attracted to toxic relationships. I mean, look at Miss Piggy. Honestly, she’s the toxic one as she abuses poor Kermit. People give her a pass because she’s beautiful and knows karate. And then there’s Piglet, who is what some people call a twink, and he’s in a relationship with a bear who is unbelievably selfish. Don’t even get me started on your team’s namesake, ‘One Fine Pig.’ That’s Wilbur, who we’re supposed to think is a friend to this spider lady, but that’s only because...”
As Donut droned on, I went to work. It only took about five seconds for me to lay a hidden trap on each side of the truck, getting as close to the shield as I dared. These were both disintegration traps, similar to the one I’d just looted from the war mage as he hid behind the door. The good thing about these particular traps was that they were completely silent when they activated, and they would only target a single individual. But to be safe, I programmed them both to only activate when stepped on by Tigrans. Even if one was literally carrying Penelope, she should be safe.
“Come on, Donut,” I called, walking away.
“... which is why Peppa is absolutely destined for a Denny’s ham lover’s breakfast skillet if she doesn’t immediately do something about her cousin, Chloé. Anyway, it was nice talking to you. I hope I’ve given you something to think about. See you later!” She waved, and the twin Tigrans, who’d stopped screaming, just sort of blinked and looked at each other, both unaware that they’d been charmed.
We quickly moved down the sidewalk, catching up to Elle and Imani. From down the street, the weird pope creatures who drove the Wienermobile emerged from the city. One of the skeletal creatures was holding what looked like a bucket of a white sloshing liquid. And behind him, walking like he was floating on air, was the creepy pope-skeleton guy.
Donut gasped and waved from my shoulder. “Hi, Minister of Blood-Letting! I hope you’re having a good race!”
The creature bowed as they passed, not saying anything.
“That dude freaks me out,” Elle said. “And what was in that bucket? It looked like jizz. I hope we aren’t going to be buying jizz. I got enough of that when Carl yanked off that crab.”
“The Minister is very nice,” Donut said. “But that bucket did smell revolting. I didn’t get a chance to examine it.”
“I did,” Imani said. “It’s something even worse.”
[ 47 ]
“This is not acceptable,”Donut said for the hundredth time. “Ew, ew, ew.”
“It’s notreallysplooge,” Louis said, bringing the bucket he’d purchased for me. “That’s what we’re calling it, though. It says it’s ‘secretions.’ I don’t think that means poop, but it smells like it. The bat dudes sell it.”
Even though they weren’t on our track, it turned out a few different races were using the same pit stop location, which was really weird given the theme. In one direction loomed a wall with tubes, which was the Satan’s Water Park race, and in another direction stood the devil’s cliffs. The fourth led to what appeared to be a rip-off of the third floor called “the eternal slum.”
Still, this wasn’t everyone. Tran’s pit stop was a Candy Land setting, and a few other crawlers reported they were at what was basically a shopping mall that just went on and on.
The storyline with the cannibals seemed to exist in all four worlds feeding into our own, which was doubly strange. In the water park, there were gingers literally falling down the slides on inner tubes attacking the racers. In Florin’s world, they had dune buggies.
Florin said they were currently in first place in their heat. Chris’s team was also doing well, despite having a big rig complete with a trailer. They’d focused on movement-based upgrades and were following Florin’s tricked-out tuk-tuk through their desert track, which ran alongside some sheer cliffs.
Prepotente wouldn’t stop talking about all the benefits of this newly discovered splooge potion.
“A single sip, like half of a potion bottle’s worth, appears to imbue one with about a half hour of protection,” Prepotente said. “It is truly a superior and versatile protection against most environments. Strange that it requires us to drink it manually.”
“It makes us drink it manually because it tastes like Miami swamp ass,” Louis said.
“I wouldn’t know,” Prepotente said.
Donut sat a good distance away, looking at us with disdain. “I am not getting anywhere near those disgusting-smelling buckets until you put them in your inventory.”
Zev’s voice came over a loudspeaker.
Hi again, everybody. Most of you have made it to your pit stops, so it’s time to reveal the twist.
As you’ve undoubtedly noticed, each track has four separate heats on it, and each pit stop combines four tracks. Each individual heat will roll for what path they continue on, so the second half of your race may not be on the same track you started on. There will be a random drawing for each individual heat, so the heats will be jumbled up. The moment the team in first place in your heat times out, you will receive your new assignment.
Also, some of you have received quests that require you to complete tasks that you have not yet completed. Please do not worry about that. Even though all four tracks are very different, the associated questsare mirrored on each track, and your quest will be transferred. In other words, you will be able to complete your quest on the new track.