My ex has to come back and stay at the apartment for a few days here and there. We’re amicable and respectful of each other and our belongings, but it’s awkward living in the same place as someone you’ve just broken up with.
No matter how much we avoid each other, there are little interactions that feel brutal after years of a close relationship. It’s just facts.
And weird shit keeps happening. Like, while my ex is staying over—I let him stay in the bedroom while I sleep on the very comfy couch—some guy I haven’t spoken to in literally over a decade starts blowing up my phone and calling me ‘just to say hi’. I tell him to piss off, but I’m on edge the entire time, just trying to make things okay and get through us both being here post-breakup.
And work has become awful. It’s that phase where everyone knows I’m leaving, so they’ve started excluding me from meetings. Leaving me out of conversations that might have longevity beyond my last day. So I spend a lot of time sitting here, drumming my fingers on my desk, thinking about my decision and mentally figuring out how I’m going to pack up this apartment for the move. I’m in absolute purgatory.
What I’d give to be doing something useful.
And I’d spend the time writing, but I’m in such emotional turmoil with the unexpected job loss, the move, and of course the breakup after six years, that there’s no way I could write anything remotely coherent.
So instead, I pick up my barely used roller skates, and I skate around my apartment. I watch YouTube videos to help me with my basic skills, and before long, I’m working on T-stops and transitions. Round and around the kitchen island I go, gradually getting more confident on eight wheels.
And that’s really all I do. Skate, occasionally remember to eat, feed the cats, and watch my shows. Anything to stop my mind from thinking, because right now, thinking brings only sadness and pain. And even though I have Sunset Cay to look forward to, time is dragging, and it feels like torture not being able to just move there and start the next chapter of my life.
4
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT TIMMY
Ihop on a couple of dating apps—Tinder and Bumble. It’s too soon to contemplate anything serious, but I want to see what the guys are like in Sunset Cay.
It’ll help to deal with my brain that’s racing to process my breakup. And what harm is there in a bit of window shopping, after all? Maybe flirt a bit, and have some connections before I arrive.
It’s a nice distraction from this horrible moment in my life. I can swipe through cute guys and have conversations with some of them. It takes my mind off the general shitness of ‘now’, and makes me focused on what could be. And, when the time is right, I’m hopeful I can find someone who wants me, someone who loves me and shows me in the way I need.
And in terms of where my heart is at, my relationship has been platonic for so long that I feel no sense of intimate connection with my ex. It’s almost like I broke up with him mentally and emotionally—and definitely physically—a long time ago, so I feel more ready than what might be considered normal after most breakups.
I chit-chat with a few guys, and it’s fun. It’s been so long since I’ve felt that someone has had any form of interest in me, that they might find me attractive. I’m very sure that most of the guys on here arefuckboys looking for hookups, but I found my long-term partner of six years this way, so there are some gems in there, too. Giving myself a head start in weeding some of them out before I get there will only help to save wasting time with a bunch of assholes.
There are a few guys that catch my attention early on. There’s Nate, a guy who’s ex-military and lives in town. He’s a foodie too, and likes exploring the local restaurant and bar scene. He responds scarily quickly to everything I say, and then is apologetic and defensive on the rare occasion when he doesn’t respond straight away. I get the impression he’s had a past partner who maybe expected instant replies.
“Hey, I don’t expect an instant response, by the way,” I say. He then ghosts me for a few weeks.
Then there’s Rex, a surfing instructor who promises to teach me. He seems like a straightforward, laid-back person who likes to spend his free time relaxing. Which honestly sounds like just what I need right now. I’m so tired of my work, laying people off and giving bad news, that the thought of someone who leads an uncomplicated life could be really nice.
Then there’s Michael. He seems to be some kind of millionaire businessman, always off on some exciting travel adventure but with a home base on the island. He has an ex-wife and a few kids, which isn’t something I’d considered before, but he has a similar passion for fitness and he’s quite witty over chat. His age doesn’t show up on the app, which seems weird as everyone else’s does. And the more I think about his success career-wise and his intense approach to life, the more I start to feel slight serial killer vibes.
And then I notice a new match. Timmy, 39. The first thing I think when I see his pictures is that this guy looks like a character. His bio is disarming, very non-threatening, and suggests he’s looking for friends and that he likes surprises. He sounds spontaneous and funny and low-pressure. His pictures are interesting, and he’s got the cheekiest grin like he’s up to mischief. He has a couple of photos that I find unusual–in one, he has what appears to be some kind of branch around his neck.
And I notice he’s sent me a message.
Timmy:
Omg hello Margaux. Your cute.
I resist the urge to write you’re*, and instead I take the compliment.
Me:
Thank you!.
Timmy:
Omg I was so hoping you would say hi.
Mmm hmm.
So, you do anything interesting lately?