None of us dowhen we’re in it.
The Present
I’m on Zoom with my friend Stacey, sipping wine during our virtual happy hour. We live on opposite sides of the country, so it can be a little challenging to find times that work, but we make it happen when we can.
The glow from the screen feels warm and familiar, like we’re sitting across from each other in a bar, but without the background hum of conversation.
“Listen,” Stacey begins tentatively. “I didn’t want to say anything, but your ex seemed nice… It’s just?—.”
“Spit it out,” I urge her. “I won’t be offended, promise.” Besides, I’m pretty sure I know where this is headed.
She inhales deeply. “Okay, it’s just that you’re sooutgoing, and he… wasn’t. It seemed like a weird pairing.”
I laugh, shaking my head. “It seems like everyone has been waiting for me to break up with him to share their thoughts.”
Ever since I broke up with John after a pretty stable six year relationship, everyone is coming out of the woodwork.
Wouldn’t it be more helpful for people to share their thoughts like this while you were stillinthe relationship?
But I guess my friend was right back in the day, when I broke up with my first serious boyfriend. I wouldn’t have listened.
When I divorced two of my three former husbands, they were the same way. Except for the second one—everyone loved him.
“True.” Stacey’s voice softens. “But I still think you did the right thing.”
“That sums it up,” I shrug. “He’s a great guy. But there wasn’t a romantic spark. We didn’t have sex for five years.”
She practically spits her drink out and starts coughing.
“Careful now, don’t choke,” I say, trying not to laugh.
She coughs some more. “Fiveyears? Like half a decade?”
“Yes,” I reply. “That’s the one.”
“Well shit,” she says. “My sweet friend, I’m getting way more action than you, and I’m single!”
I shake my head and laugh, but it feels bittersweet. “Yeah. Therewere great things about the relationship, but it just wasn’t romantic. He’s a good person. Just notmyperson, if that makes sense.”
“It totally does,” she agrees. “You can love and care for someone without being in love with them. And you two did seem like great companions. I always enjoyed seeing your travel pics.” She hums thoughtfully. “But you totally should get to feel desired. To feel adored without having to ask.”
“I was definitely missing that piece,” I nod, taking another sip of my wine. “We genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. I could count on him to pay his share of the bills. He was a generous person. Fun to travel with. But I want to feel like my partner is attracted to me. I feel like that’s important. It’s not everything, but it’s part of a healthy relationship for most people.”
“Well, again, I think you did the right thing, even though I know it was hard,” she says. “And I see big things for you. What a time to really think about whatyouwant, without having to consider someone else.”
She’s so right. After years of planning everything with another person’s preferences in mind, I get to think selfishly. There are so many places I want to go, and so many things I’d like to do.
Luckily, I can do my job from anywhere in the country, so that leaves a huge amount of possibilities.
I have some more big decisions to make.
The next day,I call my friend Rebecca.
“You’ve definitely made the right decision, and I’m super proud of you,” she says. “Sometimes, when a relationship feels comfortable and safe, we don’t stop and really ask ourselves ‘is this my person?’ And then suddenly years and years have gone by and we realize we’ve been trapped in an unfulfilling relationship. But you’re taking the initiative to get out of it now, which will free you up to find your true person.”
Her words are deep, and they hit me square in the chest. She’s notjust talking to me—she’s speaking from her own life. Her relationship is a tangle of resentments and compromises, and I know she’s projecting a little. But still, her words ring true.
I could have stayed in my comfort bubble for the rest of my life, and things would have been… okay. I would have paid my share of the bills and could trust him to do the same. I’d have a built-in travel buddy. We both like cats. We both like good food.