His response is instant, despite the agonizingly slow internet connection.
Gerald: Around you, my dear, I'll endeavor to be nothing less than charming. Now, tell me more about yourself and the delightful little girl in your photos. I want to know everything.
Everything. No one has ever wanted to know me, all of me, the good and bad and in between. But in his request, delivered with playful gallantry, I sense only genuine interest.
Maybe Gerald will disappoint like the others. But for now, I have a chance at real connection—and the possibility of hope restored. With a smile, I begin to type.
The conversation with Gerald continues over the next few days, and I find myself eagerly anticipating the familiar ding to notify me of an incoming message.
Gerald: Imagine weekends exploring cities you've only read about, Yara attending the best schools, and you, Alina, finally having the peace you deserve. I want to give that to you.
My breath catches at the images he evokes, a life of safety and adventure and opportunity for Yara. And fun! But it's too fanciful. Men don't give such gifts without wanting something in return.
Me: It sounds like a fairy tale, Gerald. One I'd like to believe in, though life has taught me to be cautious of fairy tales. Besides, have you read them… like, really read some of them? Shiny on the surface but very dark when you come to learn the true, underlying meaning.
His cursor pauses, but I can't be sure if he's thinking of a response or if it's just the regular dragging of our internet connection.
Gerald: Let me be the one to show you that some fairy tales can be real and bright and positive. Just give me, give us, a chance.
He always seems to know what to say.
I hesitate, my fingers hovering above the keys. In my periphery, Yara stirs in her sleep, muttering something unintelligible. The sight of her, vulnerable and dreaming, hardens my resolve. For her, I would face any danger.
Me: We've learned to be wary of chances, Gerald. Promises too easily given have a way of disappearing like smoke. I want to believe everything you say, but if you want to prove your sincerity, we'll need more than pretty words. I hope you can understand that having a daughter in the pictures raises the stakes for me.
The moment I hit send I regret it.Shit!Was that too forward? Too brutally honest? I've probably burned this relationship before it had a chance to get off the ground.
But Gerald's reply comes quickly.
Gerald: Of course, I understand your skepticism completely. What can I do to put your mind at ease? A video call? Gifts to show my generosity? A visit in person? You need only ask, Alina. I will do whatever it takes to gain your trust.
My heart flutters with mingled anticipation and anxiety. Visits and gifts could be mere manipulations, but a video call would reveal more of the truth. It would show more about him, without the obligations some men associate with gifts, and without any expectations that might come with meeting in person. I drum my fingers on the table as I stare at the screen, deep in thought.
How far do I dare to push when hope is finally within reach? But if Gerald is different, he'll understand my need for caution. I take a deep breath. I'm hesitating only because I worry this might be pushing things too far. But if a video call is too much to ask, then this never had the potential to go anywhere anyway. Yara stirs again, her body twitching as if caught in a nightmare, and I make up my mind.
Me: A video call would be a start. Let's see if the man matches the charm—because you are very charming—before we get carried away. When are you available? Our internet connection is quite volatile so it won't be the best picture quality, but we should be able to get it to work if we wait until outside of peak hours.
Gerald: For you, I'm available anytime. How about tonight? Say, in an hour? I'll send you a link to connect, and we can talk for as long as you'd like.
Tonight. My nerves flare, but beneath them an ember of excitement simmers. Whether it quickly fizzles or fans out into a full-blown inferno remains to be seen, but the time has come to find out. I need to act quickly before someone younger, someone childless, captures his eye.
But I also know I can't seem too desperate. The right men find it off-putting, while the wrong men find it irresistibly alluring. Those men target the broken, the vulnerable. And after all I've been through, I rank near the top of that list.
Me: Tonight it is. We'll see what the evening brings.
Gerald: The evening will bring nothing but excellent conversation and friendship, I assure you. I'll send the link shortly. It's a date, Alina. Our first of many, I hope!
I sign off with a mix of anticipation and nerves churning in my stomach. After so much darkness, is it possible to find the light? In a little under an hour, I'll have the start of an answer.
With a deep breath, I brace myself for whatever is about to come.
Chapter 3
Alina
Isit in the dim glow of my laptop screen, my heart pounding against my ribs. The cursor blinks expectantly as I smooth down flyaway hairs and straighten my sweater.
My wardrobe is sparse, but it still took me almost an hour to pick out an outfit and get ready. I need to look demure but attractive. Sane but interesting. Fun but not too much fun. Smart but not too smart. Witty but not silly. Feminine but not emotional. No pressure.