He lifted his hand and brushed a stray strand of sweat-damp hair from my cheek. “It means devotion; it’s a promise. A collar is an external symbol of a deeply personal commitment to a dynamic.” He smiled the more he talked about it. “It means the person is claimed, protected and cherished under rules which have been agreed upon by both of us.” He coughed and cleared his throat. “I mean agreed upon by both parties involved. It’s a commitment of care and responsibility from the dominant, and the ultimate act of trust from the submissive.”
I couldn’t help but giggle at his slip, and then the clarification that he wasn’t specifically referring to us as if I had already agreed. It was cute. I took his handandhe rubbed his thumb over my knuckles. His touch was so gentle and tender. It was the opposite of what impact could look like, yet both were part of the same man. He could be both rough and passionate, and during both instances he could care so much for his person. I desperately want to bethatperson, especially with the way he had articulated all of this. I didn’t feel like it was a game to him.
At one point my life was defined by a lack of control, of doing things without fear or consequences. Once I experienced abuse, I went the opposite direction and suddenly felt a desperate need to grasp onto control fiercely. Maybe I shouldn’t be fighting for control, but instead, learning how to safely let it go again in a controlled environment.
I met his gaze, my heart pounding. “I don’t need an answer now, Val. I was just answering your question.”
“No.” I stopped him. “Kaden, I know this all seems crazy. We’ve only known each other for a short time, but for some reason I already trust you. You make me do things, orwantto do things, I wouldn’t have ever done with anyone else. I want to see and experience what you refer to as your darkness and maybe it will become a light for both of us.” I smiled, a million different emotions flooding in. “Where do we start?”
His expression shifted from intense worry to softened relief. He didn’t immediately rush at me and pull me into him, he simply smiled and nodded his head in understanding. “We start with research, communication, and understanding your boundaries. Every step of the way,weare going to do this together.”
Twenty Five
Kaden
The dim light of the living room caught in the rising steam of the two mugs in my hands. I moved quietly, the practiced silence of a fighter, though tonight there’s no opponent, just a beautiful woman on the couch who I don’t want to disturb as she reads.
Val glanced up and raised her brow. I could tell she she wanted to inquire what I’ve been doing the past ten minutes. In truth, I’d been trying to perfect her hot chocolate raspberry truffle tea, which sounded like something I shouldn’t know how to make. But for Val, I’d become a student of small things while she took on so many larger concepts.
When I got to the couch, I noticed that Val had been swallowed whole by her oversized heated blanket. She looked like she was wrapped up in a fuzzy, teal cocoon that only let her head and glowing tablet screen peek out.
At first glance she looked small and almost fragile, but I knew better. I’d seen her hit the heavy bag until her knuckles bleed and stand up tall when her legs were screaming. Val wasone of the strongest people I knew, even though her “trauma brain” as she called it, tried to convince her otherwise.
I set her mug down on the coaster within her reach. The sweet, tart scent of the raspberry teased my senses.
She looked up, and the tension in her forehead smoothed out. I could tell that whatever she was researching tonight was taking a toll and raising lots of questions. “You’re a saint, Kaden.” she whispered just before grabbing her cup and taking a sip. She paused and inhaled the delicious aroma.
“You’re welcome, beautiful.” I kissed her forehead and then took my place on the couch, leaving her just enough space.
I grabbed the remote and turned on the TV, thumbing down the volume so that it was more like white noise and less like we were in the middle of the action. There was a preliminary match playing and the fighters were looking good.
I leaned back, resting my head against the cushion, but my eyes didn’t linger on the screen long. Instead, they were on Val, who had gone back to staring at her tablet again, biting her lower lip.
Then it hit me: she was deep into research on impact play. She had been obsessing over the idea of using it as a way to ground her and pull her out of the clouds of her past. It was also a minefield. One we had to navigate carefully.
Suddenly, she made the face that usually indicated she was reading something technical. It was a cute little scrunchy-nosed pout just before her expression turned somber. The glow of the screen reflected in her eyes and I could practically see her gears turning.
I reached out, not saying a word, and found her feet through the layers of blanket, tugging them toward me. She didn’t t protest. Instead, she sighed softly and shifted her weight so that her legs were draped across my lap.
I worked my thumbs into the arches of her feet, kneading away at the tension. “Talk to me,” I said quietly. “Where has that pretty mind of yours ventured off to tonight?”
Val huffed and glanced at me just before playfully sticking out her tongue which usually meant she was trying to mask her true feelings.
“What I’m reading is talking about endorphins and sub-space; how it can trigger a sense of calm due to biological response.” She paused, her thumb hovering over the screen. “I need this, but then I see pictures and start to panic. It’s so frustrating.”
I increased the pressure on her left foot. “You know, trauma doesn’t have a calendar, Val.”
“I know.” she says, looking up at me, only this time she made a ridiculous wide-eyed shocked face which caused me to laugh. “I just don’t want to end up thinking of you as a woman-beater, because the me in current reality knows that you aren’t.”
I smiled awkwardly. NowIwas the one feeling nervous. I knew the risk, but hearing her say the words out loud never got any easier.
She leaned forward and put her hand on my arm. “It’s true. You’re the guy who watches rom-coms with me and checks my hand wraps at least three times to make sure I’m safe.”
Instinctively, I grab her hand and place a soft kiss on the back of it to let her know that I’m not taking offense to the conversation. “I don’t want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable or that could affect our relationship negatively.”
Val pulled her hand back and almost looked upset about what I said. “But Iwantthis. I’ve also been thinking about limits. I think that if we set those, everything should work out perfectly.”
Limits.I smiled, thinking about how much she had been learning. “Let’s hear what you’ve come up with.” I stoppedeverything I was doing to show her that she had my complete attention.