“I put everything on the table: my past, the men I’ve been with, my experience with my previous trainer. You know everything, while I’m still left out in the dark.”
Kaden leaned against the wall next to where I stood. “Sit down.” He gestured to the bench, and I immediately obeyed even if I would have rather kept standing to show I didnt just do what I’m told. “My secret is… I have a life I’ve tried to keep separate from fighting.”
“What?” I was confused. He didn’t make any sense to me at all. “I have a life I want to keep separate from fighting, too. Gardening, did you know I love plants?”
Chuckling, Kaden shook his head. “I just worry you won’t understand. I know you say you’re curious, but what happens when it’s too much?” His expression went stark.
“Kaden, I’ve seen things I don’t understand and the only way I ever could learn is if I had someone who could teach me.” I was starting to see where he was going.
He slid closer to me, dropping his gaze to the floor. When it came back up it was dark and serious. This time things felt different. Taking my hand in his, he began speaking. “You’re right. I know you’ve been through a lot, which is why it’s hard for me to share this. You mentioned at one point you were interested in exploring kinks and being in a dominant and submissive style of relationship. Which is great.” He paused.
“I just wonder where your head is at with everything currently. After surviving an abusive relationship, I could see how it could deter you from wanting the same things I do. It’s a lifestyle I enjoy.”
Confusion began to take over and I remained silent, hoping he would elaborate a bit more.
“More specifically,” he continued once he realized his answer didn’t really catch on. “I have a deep, foundational interest in the BDSM community. It isn’t a casual curiosity for me. I’m not out exploring with every woman I meet. When I was down from my accident, the lifestyle became a necessary part of how I connected and found control when my life was spiraling out of it. When done right, with the right person who consents, it’s healthy and freeing.”
There were no words, I continued to stare in awe as he continued his ramble. Sure, I had questions and a ruminating build-up of mixed emotions; nervousness and excitement consumed me, the more I listened to him speak. I just didn’t want to take away this moment of sharing.
He took a slow, deep breath as if he were waiting for me to counter-punch. When I didn’t, he continued.
“I identify as a dominant or dom. I love impact play, the sensory, the intensity, the art form. That’s what all of it is to me, just a different way of expressing yourself. The body is a beautiful canvas to mark up.”
He paused. “I’ve found it helps both parties heal in ways they never knew possible, or thought they needed. I also really enjoy shibari. It’s been a long time since I’ve had the opportunity to tie anyone up. I enjoy watching the relationship between the rigger and the rope bunny. It can be intense and nothing but pure, raw sensation. Like all things that people can be passionate about, it takes a lot of trust and a special connection. Just like a ring symbolizes marriage, I would love to symbolize my relationship with a collar. It sounds weird, but I’m unsure of how to word that aspect.”
The intensity in his eyes was blazing and a mix of fear and relief seemed to take over the depths of his black irises. He laid it all out, the one thing he didn’t share with many. My mind was racing trying to come up with a response.
“It’s a lot,” I managed, my throat dry. I picked up my water bottle and took a long drink, hoping I could organize the chaos forming in my head.
Twenty Four
Val
My past began to flood back. I had seen it all when modeling. Impact toys laid out on the table to be used as props, the feel of the rope as the photographer drug it across my body. The hunger in his eyes as it grazed my nipples. When I got online and began sharing my images and browsing through profiles and groups, I felt a pull toward the raw and unapologetic honesty of that world. I was just too scared to step into it alone.
My own experiences with men involved unwanted dominance and abuse which left scars and trauma. The thought of entering into this type of relationship would only show I condoned that type of behavior. It felt like playing with fire. So I never took the risk.
Kaden gently placed his hand on mine. “It is a lot,” he agreed softly. “And I understand if it’s a hard limit for you, Val. I avoided telling you – though I wanted to – because I really enjoy our time together. I didn’t want to risk losing you over it.”
I shook my head slowly. “I would have thought sharing my story with you would have made it easier. I’ve been exposed tothat world, I’m intrigued by it, deeply, but where do you even start? I just don’t want to step foot into a maze without a map.”
A tentative smile touched Kaden’s lips and I could see the relief come over him. “The map is the least of your concerns. It requires communication, trust, and a willingness to explore. It’s not something you stumble into, which is where a lot of people get in trouble. Besides, we are just starting out and getting to know each other on a deeper level. No honorifics, no jumping into things without trust.”
“I’ve had such bad experiences with control and power.” I hesitated. “My past relationships, even the non-abusive ones, were never about a healthy exchange. I had to fight for my space, my voice. How do I know this isn’t just going to bring it all back to the surface?”
Kaden scooted closer again, and this time he reached out, placing his finger beneath my chin and gently tilted it up so our eyes met. “It’s the polar opposite, Val. That’s the part you have to understand. What you experienced was a thief taking your power and calling it love. What I am talking about is a gift. It’s deliberate, negotiated, and a fully consensual exchange of power. The submissive is the one who holds the true power.”
His eyes were intensely focused, pleading with me to trust him and to be able to see the difference. Summer would probably insist he was trying to guilt me into taking this step, but I didn’t feel any alarms going off.
I had never taken the time to dig in and research power dynamics. Everything I saw was mostly surface level, pictures others shared and the captions they included. What I did know? It was all beautiful. The energy between the couples in the images could be felt through the screen and I had always hoped one day that same energy would find me, too.
Perhaps, Kaden and I could develop our relationship on different levels as we explored together. There was already amassive magnetic energy field between us after only one night. What could things look like in a month or six?
I had heard of people reading dark romance because it allowed them to explore the themes of power, protection, and dominance in a safe and fictional space. They got the thrill without the risk, and even while sometimes the stories were unconventional, messed up, and seemingly the opposite of what the BDSM lifestyle is all about, it seemed to be healing for so many. If a fictional story can be healing, then why couldn’t I trust that the real thing could be as well?
Almost as if he could read my mind, Kaden interrupted my thoughts. “I know people who have healed massive amounts of trauma from past abusive relationships through finding healthy dynamics. They get to safely explore the feeling of letting go of control and giving the reins to someone they trust completely, someone who is ethically bound to put their needs first. They take back the power from their past by choosing exactly when, and how, they submit. It gives them a complete reset.”
Everything he said made complete sense. I chewed on my lower lip, considering the idea even though he hadn’t specifically said he would like to go this route with me. “You said you’ve always wanted to collar someone.” The words didn’t make me feel uncomfortable like I had expected. “What does it mean to you?”