“That’s a dangerous thing to tell me right now,” I say.
“How so?”
“Because I’ll believe it” I tell him.
“I want you to believe it,” he says. “You are unlike anyone I’ve ever met.”
Those words are all it takes for me to do the stupid thing that I’ve been hyper focused on since we got here. I lean in and kiss him, and his hand immediately comes up to cup my face. As quickly as it hits me, the realization sweeps over me on what the fuck I just did.
I pull away and I feel like I’m in shock. “Fuck. I’m so sorry,” I say hurriedly. “I don’t know why I did that. I told you I was an idiot. I shouldn’t…” I suddenly freeze when he grabs my face and pulls me closer to him.
“Please, stop calling yourself an idiot,” he says softly. “You don’t have to apologize.”
“I do. I shouldn’t have done that. I don’t know why I did that. I can’t get it out of my head. It’s just stuck in my head, and it won’t go away,” I say.
“What is, Bekah?” he asks.
“You. I can’t get you out of my head. I can’t get the thought of you touching me out of my head. It’s just playing in a fucking loop. It won’t stop,” I ramble as I feel myself start to spiral.
“First, I need you to take a deep breath with me,” he says, taking a long deep breath. When he does it again, I synchronize my breathing with his. “Good girl. Now, I’m going to explain something, and I want you to just listen for a moment, okay?”
“Okay,” I say with a small voice. His praise is doing something to me, and I want so much more of it. I can’t stop the dirty thoughts from piling up. I am hyper aware of how close he is. His hand is still on my arm, and he is gently stroking my skin with his thumb. Our legs are touching, and it makes me want to climb into his lap. I feel like I’m going insane.
“Becoming hyper-sexual after a rape is very normal and very healthy. It is just how your brain is deciding to cope with what happened to you. As long as you are not trying to force yourself into something, it’s healthy to explore it.”
“Why the fuck would I want to have sex right after getting gang raped? Why is it that the thought of you holding me down and fucking me stupid is so goddamn hot, but I just filed a police report for someone doing that to me just hours ago?” I pull away and say louder than I intend. Keith gently pulls me close to him again and I melt when he resumes holding my face in his hands. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, Bekah,” he says softly. “It’s normal. Your brain is desperately seeking control right now. Even by wanting to give up control to someone else, you are still seeking something in an attempt to cope. If you are not putting yourself at risk of harm, you don’t force yourself, and you are aware of your triggers… there’s nothing wrong with exploring it. Even then, trying to force normalcy back into your life is also a normal reaction to trauma. Avoidance is a trauma response. Hyper-fixation is a trauma response. I promise you, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you.”
“I can’t get it to go away,” I say quietly, looking at my hands as I fidget.
“Do you want it to go away or do you think that you are supposed to make it go away?”
“I guess I feel like it’s wrong to want to have sex now,” I admit.
“Sweet girl, sex is human nature,” he says as he lifts my chin to look at me. Hearing his words that I teased him with earlier in the day brings a smile to my face. It’s like a breath of fresh air to be reminded that I’m human. “Let me get you something to put on so you can be comfortable. Go ahead and take a shower and relax for a second. I’m going to have you sleep in my bed and I’ll take the couch until I can get my guest room set up.”
“Thank you,” I say with a sigh.
We stand up and I follow Keith to his room. I gasp when I see a mammoth of a cat laying on his bed. “Oh my goodness!” I say happily. I go over to the bed and squat down to pet him.
“I wouldn’t…” Keith starts to say but stops when Frank starts purring.
“You are the cutest little boy,” I say with a baby voice as I am scratching behind his ear. He leans into my hand and closes his eyes.”
“What kind of voodoo magic did you just do on my cat?” he asks as he comes over to pet Frank.
“Everyone loves Bekah,” I say to Frank. “Someone a little more than others and without permission, but that’s okay. Isn’t that right, Frankie?” Frank responds by rolling to his side, so I move myscratches to his chest. He licks my hand as I love on him, and this is the happiest I have felt in months.
“Did you just call him Frankie?” Keith laughs.
“Yes,” I say, smiling at him.
“Alright, Frankie. Let’s let the cat whisperer take a shower,” he says to Frank. “Towels are in the closet. My sister left some stuff here the last time she visited so look through the cabinet under the sink and there should be everything you need there.”
“Thank you,” I say as I stand.
“You don’t have to keep saying that, ya know,” he says as he hugs me. I wrap my arms around him and relax. “Go shower before I get distracted.”