“See? You care.”
“No, Kayla, they fucking need me and no one gets to touch them. I have worked hard for years for us to get where we are. To be in control of when they need me and how. And someone else doesn’t get to ruin that for me. You don’t realize that killing them isn’t about revenge for me—it’s about the outcome. I would get to be the hero, and I would manipulate that in a way to benefit me.”
“Okay.”
I open my mouth and snap it shut.
What the hell does okay mean? I came to the conclusion that telling her would work in my favor—it would gain her trust, since she has not been as easy as I anticipated. “When people find out the truth, they normally have a lot to say.”
“I’m not most people,” Kayla replies with a shrug.
“No, you’re not,” I agree.
“Thank you for telling me.”
“You would have figured it out eventually.”
“Maybe, but you telling me yourself means a lot to me.”
I don’t answer because now she knows, and what she does with that information is up to her. I can’t keep trying to change who I am, or how I operate. Besides, I need to know how she ticks, and how I can use that, but she has just thrown me another curveball.
“Come on, let’s look at the view.”
She climbs back up, and we walk along the wall, finally finding a place to sit and watch the people run around the island, chased by masked strangers. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I am not with someone because I have an agenda. I am here in the moment with her, and though I want to hate it, I don’t. I reach out and take her hand, and she intertwines her fingers with mine, then we sit together in silence for a time.
“You know I’m not running, Ares. If you need me to need you, then you have to give me a reason. Since you have given me a truth, maybe it’s time to give you one.”
“Why would you want me to know anything when the first thing I will do is try to exploit it?” I wonder aloud.
She chuckles. “Because when you know it, you will realize you can’t use it against me. Using it will make me run, and then you will have some pissed-off friends that you have worked so hard to keep under your thumb.”
“Still know that whatever you tell me will be analyzed.”
She stares off into the distance and sighs. “I come from a fairly normal family when you look at it from the outside, but in reality it wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies. My parents were emotionally manipulative, and nothing I did was ever good enough for them. Everything I did was wrong, and that’s hard when you’re young. Then, when I was sixteen, I met Aaron. He was almosteighteen, and we became instant friends. He just got me and was there when I needed him. Aaron would tell me things couldn’t go further since I was still too young and not ready to handle a relationship. That he wanted us to be forever and to do things the right way. I thought he was perfect.”
She pauses and laughs, but it isn’t the kind of laugh where you think the situation is funny. This one comes from hindsight and knowing what happens, and from being stupid enough not to see it. Though the Kayla I know is anything but stupid.
“Things got bad when I finished school. I didn’t want to go to college. Why have a debt for the rest of my damn life when I had no idea what I wanted to do? On my eighteenth birthday, Aaron took me out, and we did all my favorite things. I lost my virginity that night. He asked me to move in with him and said all the right things, so I agreed. I was young and naïve, and I didn’t see the manipulation at first. He would compliment me, saying I looked good, so I started dressing a certain way because he liked it, and every time he praised me I ate it up because he was nice and not demeaning like my parents. But after eighteen months things changed. He became more vocal about what he didn’t like, and when we fought, he would send flowers to apologize, even though he wasn’t sorry at all. Things just got worse and worse from there. It’s why I reacted so strongly to Vero’s attempt to apologize with flowers.”
“So why stick around here?” I ask. “Vero isn’t goingto change, and Brawley thrives on violence. Clay is... well, Clay, and now you know about me. If that isn’t a bunch of huge red flags, I don’t know what is.”
Kayla smirks. “And that’s the exact reason I stay. They wear their red flags and don’t hide them. You, well I have been manipulated by the best, so I could see yours from a mile away too. But I believe your heart is in the right place, and that you are not using it to hurt anyone. Aaron purposely manipulated me in a way he knew would hurt me, and he wanted me to rely solely on him. In the end, I had no job, no friends, and no family. All my choices were taken away from me for so long, but nowIget to decide what I want, no one else, and nothing will ever change that again. I’m not that naïve little girl anymore.”
“Why tell me and not the others? I don’t want to hurt you—it’s the opposite actually.”
“Because if anyone is going to understand me, it’s you. I want to be here. It’s the first time I have felt like myself or a version of the person I want to be. I had no issues with dressing how he liked, or any of it really, but somewhere along the way I lost a huge part of myself. While you are all batshit crazy and have a ton of red flags, none of you want to change who I am or control me. None of you want me to give up work or not make decisions for myself.”
“It won’t be easy with us.”
“Nothing in life is easy, Ares. I am well aware Vero might fuck up again, but he is willing to try to be accountablefor his actions. Brawley might thrive on violence, but not at the expense of those he loves. Clay is possessive and a huge douche a lot of the time, but it comes from a place of protecting his inner circle.”
She pauses as she looks at me, and I wonder what she truly sees.
“And me?”
“I don’t know yet. I think you do care, just in your own way. You have found what works for you, and from what I can see, people need you here. You are what holds them all together.”
“Do I? Only because I manipulate them.”