“So we have time to prepare for the party,” I said, but I wanted nothing to do with it.
It was either cancel the party last minute and make excuses to everyone, or go through with it and break up with her later. It was obvious what the more sensible option was.
I was so desperate for some kind of normalcy through all the chaos that it was easy for me to wrap my hand around her shoulder and hold her close. But then she began again.
“Then we can have a lie-in tomorrow! That will be amazing! It was such a long journey getting through those fjords. The postal boat to the house is so cool, but it wascold! I loved it though. You know…”
Her voice faded as I led her to the taxi rank, trailing to the closest one and opening the door.
“We’re not getting your car?” she asked.
“No, sorry, I’m too exhausted to drive.”
“Oh, okay.” I wasn’t feeling enough to care that she sounded disappointed. I wasn’t sure why she was either. If I were behind the wheel, I didn’t know what would happen.
Molly slid into the back, and I joined her, giving our address to the driver as she spoke, “You know, we’ve been through so many amazing things together, and I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to waste what we have—”
“Please, Molly,” I cut her off, my voice strained. “I’m sorry, but can we talk when we get home? I’m not feeling well.”
Which translated into:I hate myself for what I’ve done to you, and I hate Dom even more.Or:I don’t know how to look at you without collapsing. You put me in a horrible situation and now you’ve come back and are talking about how good we are together. Like nothing changed, like you didn’t just dump me and run off to Norway to do God knows what at your sister’s wedding.
Followed by:And the main reason I denied my feelings for Dom was because I wanted to stay faithful to you when you left me, right before I made my case to the Board, saying you didn’t want to talk to me.
She looked so hurt, and a new guilt broke through my numbness and stabbed me. I thought I would be used to the feeling, and that I could handle it. But as I watched her chatting away, it hit home what an awful person I truly was.
I tried to give her a reassuring smile, but I failed miserably.
All of Mum’s bloody training and I hadn't made it work when I needed it the most.
“I want to change for you, and stop putting so much pressure on you,” she said.
“No, you don’t.” I shook my head. Because if she did, we would save the conversation until tomorrow. “I was the one ignoring you.”
“I need to be more accepting of what kind of life you’re leading,” she said as she cosied into me, and the driver turned out of the airport.
More irritation flickered in me. I forgot that that was what she did. Who cared if I didn’t want to talk. She had something on her mind, so she needed to share.
“I was just too absorbed in work,” I said, “and I got caught up in my head, and I wasn’t paying attention to you when you were right in front of me.”
I was so good at helping everyone in my life, but I couldn’t undo what had happened, no matter how brightly she grinned at me and promised to be forgiving.
“No wonder you got annoyed and frustrated with me. I would feel the same way if I’d been in your position,” I said. I shouldn’t have apologised, but the guilt over what I had done with Dom was crushing me, and I wished I could have fixed it cleanly.
“But you just work so many hours,” she replied.
“I’m sorry,” I said again. It just felt like I was having the conversation simply to make her feel better. I didn’t want her to hate me, or look at me with disgust and anger, despite everything I felt, too.
“It’s okay, Harry. I know we both have to change if we want this to work and…”
I had to stop losing focus. All I could feel was a numb ache. I wanted Dom there to joke and laugh and make everything easier, and my need for him pulsed inside me.
“… and I thought we could take a holiday to the beach, just the three of us. I know Mr Snuggles will love—”
“Molly, sorry,” I said, cutting her off again. “Could we talk properly tomorrow? I want to make sure I give you the attention you deserve.” And I needed more time to sort out my feelings. More than the five weeks I’d already had.
She squeezed my hand, paired with another smile that used to make me grin every time I saw it.
“Of course. I’m sorry. I just wanted to tell you about how my sister…”