The rest of the drive to my house is heavy with silence. Around me, other cars weave through the traffic. Lights change colors, and the sun beats in through the window. Yet everything feels dull and gray. The world is barren, like my soul.
When I arrive, I’m swept up into a blur of meaningless motions. Security ushers me in through the gates, holding the paparazzi at bay. They hurry me off to a waiting car with tinted windows. My bags are inside, just as Phillip said they would be. I’m almost in when I hear the commotion at my front door. When I glance up, Suzy is there, waving her arms frantically as she tries to fight off the security guard holding her back. I pinch the bridge of my nose and try not to lose my shit. But do I care anymore? Do I give a fuck what Suzy or anyone has to say to me?
“I need to talk to you, Landon!” she bellows. “I promise you’ll regret it if you don’t.”
Money. That’s what it always comes down to with her. She could bleed me dry, and it still wouldn’t be enough.
“Your bag!” she screeches. “I left a note for you in your bag.”
How the hell did she get near my bag? I shake my head and climb inside the car, refusing to listen to one more second of her bullshit.
“Take me to the airport.”
The driver nods and does as I request with an efficiency I can appreciate for once in my life. The only problem is, I have no idea where the hell I’m going to go.
24
Kailani
“Are you comfortable, honey?” My mom frets over the pillow propped beneath my ankle. “What can I get you? A cold drink? A snack?”
“I’m fine, Mama.” I offer her a weak smile.
She sits down beside me with a sigh. I’ve never seen her so worn down, and I can’t help feeling guilty about that even though it’s not my fault. The past four weeks since the incident have been a blur. For me, it was surgery. Pain management. Appointments with various specialists. Sessions with a therapist. Homework by correspondence. My mom did her best to make everything peaceful and calm, but I know behind the scenes, it’s been nothing but chaos.
The school has launched a full investigation, and Theo hired a private investigator too. The entire football team, cheer squad, and dance team were questioned with no results. Everyone except for Landon.
He never showed up at school after the headlines broke, and he’s been MIA ever since. My mom hasn’t said much about him, but I can see the worry in her eyes. When the police questioned me, all I could tell them was that it was a large male. It wasn’t much to go on, but I never even caught a glimpse of what he was wearing because it happened so fast.
They asked me a lot of questions about the guys at school, and particularly, Landon. I could see how they might think it was suspicious that he disappeared right after it happened, but there’s no way it could have been him. He would never do something like that. Just because I know it doesn’t mean everyone else is on the same page, though. The cops want to talk to him. And Courtney told me the rumors have been flying like crazy at BMA.
Nobody knows where Landon went, and nobody has spoken to him. At least not that the students are aware of, and if the faculty knows differently, they aren’t saying so. After the articles broke, he just… vanished. When I first saw that someone leaked a story about that night, my shriveled-up heart nearly fell out of my chest. Whoever it was claimed to be me, and I couldn’t help wondering if this was somehow connected to my missing tablet. Someone broke into the pool house. I know that now with certainty. When I was finally able to check it out after I got home from the hospital, I realized it wasn’t just the tablet missing. Someone had stolen my spy cam too.
I don’t know what’s more unnerving. The fact that they found the camera or the idea that they could gain access to my tablet and all the journal entries I’d kept since that first summer with Landon. All my obsessions were written in there. The creepy things I used to do, like sniffing Landon’s hoodie when he wasn’t looking, or smearing his deodorant on my skin. There are confessions of times I’d drink from his water glass when he went to the bathroom, just so my lips could touch the same place his had been. Long, meandering descriptions of his face and eyes and moody personality I could never quite decode. Embarrassing dreams I’d had about him that first summer. And then, eventually, the details of that night. If someone accessed my journal app, they’d have all that information. There’s no telling what they might do with it, and every morning, I find myself frantically googling to check that they haven’t shared that as well.
My mother waited until I was home from the hospital before she started interrogating me too. I couldn’t deny it now. As soon as she read the word tutor, she knew the unidentified girl at the party was me. She’s asked me multiple times if that’s why I left, but I haven’t been able to answer her. When she asked me if there was something she should know about Landon, I was emphatic that there wasn’t. I don’t want her to get the wrong idea. Not after I screwed things up so bad in the first place.
She asked me once if I leaked the story, and it horrified me that anyone might think that. I told her about the tablet and camera situation, and she made an appointment the next afternoon to have security installed. None of us can believe it’s come to this. Black Mountain is supposed to be safe. My mom isn’t the sort of person to lock up her house, but now, I guess she has to be.
The days go by slowly, leaving me with more questions than answers. The only thing I have to look forward to are Court’s regular visits when she updates me on all the current news. Carson is supposedly a wreck since Landon left, and he’s been missing a lot of school. And Audrey has taken over as captain of the dance squad, gleefully, from what I hear. During my absence, Jared has returned to school but not the football team. Apparently, his parents are being real assholes about everything. But on his eighteenth birthday, he left the wilderness program voluntarily, and now he’s couch-surfing at some of his friends’ places while he finishes senior year. The thought makes me sick with guilt, and I know I need to make amends somehow. What he said hurt me, but it didn’t give me the right to upend his entire life.
Honestly, I wouldn’t even blame him at this point if he was the one who bashed my ankle in. My list of enemies has never been longer, and I’m exhausted just thinking about the possibilities.
I won’t be able to dance again this year. The doctors aren’t confident that my ankle won’t cause me problems for the rest of my life. Theo, being Theo, hired the best of the best. I’ve seen specialists that take years and connections to get appointments with. But they all say the same thing. Only time will tell.
My bones are mending slowly, but some things never will. Whoever said time heals all wounds obviously never met Landon Blackwood. After I heard him and Audrey together and cried about a million tears, I tried to patch up my armor and fortify my heart. But try as I might, I could no longer find even an ounce of hatred for him anymore. Now there’s just pain. So much pain.
In another life, maybe we could have worked things out. If there was no party that summer night, and there weren’t any misunderstandings or miscommunications between us. But this is the lifetime that fate decided to throw us together. Lightning and gun powder. It was never meant to be. The truth is, loving him is like lighting yourself on fire and hoping you don’t burn to death. Because Landon and I can’t love each other without destroying each other too.
He can’t see past his wounds to believe anything I say. And now, I can’t see past what he did with Audrey. What we had was special. I know he felt it too. But he went to her and washed it all away. I can’t forget that final cut, and I can’t forgive.
I’ve tried to imagine myself, ten years from now, living my life with a different man. We’d be happy, somehow. Maybe have a couple of kids, maybe not. But in that image, the love never feels as profound. Instead of a bonfire, it’s a flickering candle. Second best. Anyone else will always be second best. And I think maybe it would just be better if I’m alone forever.
Hot tears prick at my eyes, and my mom gives me a gentle pat on the arm, uncertain how to address the turmoil inside my head.
“It’s okay, honey,” she assures me. “We’ll find out who did this.”
“It’s not that—” My voice breaks, and try as I might, I can’t allow another lie to spill from my lips. I can’t tell her I’m okay when I’m not. “I think I’m ready to talk.”