“I know what love is.” Tears prick at my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. “I’m not as ignorant as you’d like to believe.”
“Call me in ten years and tell me if you still feel that way,” he says. “Someday, you will look back on this while you’re sitting at your desk at a job you hate, and you will barely remember a thing about me.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I demand.
“You don’t know what you want.” He throws his hands up, exasperated. “I saw the notes in your journal. The neat little path to Cornell that your mother paved for you. And in the face of everything that’s happened, you’re still chasing that bone. Cheer squad, fashion PR… who are you kidding with that bullshit? That isn’t your dream. You can’t figure out what you want five minutes from now, let alone what you want to do with the rest of your life.”
Anger bubbles up inside me, but mostly because I know he’s right. I’m still following the path Lila picked for me, and I have no idea why, but I’m not about to admit that to him.
“You were the one who took my assignment out of the binder,” I accuse. “Weren’t you?”
He looks away, and at that moment, I know I’m right.
“Seriously?” I stare at him in disbelief. “What the actual fuck?”
“Watch your mouth,” he snaps.
“No.” I start to gather my things, even though I still have fifteen minutes left. “You crossed the line. You got pissed at me and took it out on my grades. How is that fair?”
For once, he doesn’t have a rebuttal. Our eyes lock, and I realize I’m going to have to be the stronger person here. He’ll never admit his feelings for me, and I’m finally beginning to understand why. Beneath that iron heart with a lock I’ll never crack, there’s a motive, and I can’t believe I’m just now seeing it.
“You knew from the beginning this wouldn’t go anywhere,” I whisper. “You just wanted to teach me a lesson.”
He doesn’t deny it.
“Have you learned, Stella?” He cocks his head to the side. “Have you figured it out yet? Will you ever?”
“What exactly was it that you thought you were teaching me?” I ask. “That love is horrible and one-sided and worse than I ever thought it could be?”
“No,” he bites out. “It was never about love. It was about you learning to stand on your own. Figuring out your own goddamned path instead of trying to please everyone else. But you still don’t get it. Even in the face of constant cruelty, you will literally break your back trying to prove your loyalty to me. And for what? What have I ever done to deserve that?”
Silence settles between us, and his words crush me like quicksand. “Nothing,” I rasp. “You’ve done nothing to deserve it. But that doesn’t change how I feel. So don’t tell me I don’t know what love is. I’m not asking you to say it back. I know you won’t, and I’m far past accepting that. But don’t ever assume you know how I feel just because you don’t have a heart.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
STELLA
AS A WINTER STORM RAVAGESCONNECTICUT,the ice around my heart metastasizes too. It’s been nearly three weeks since my standoff with Sebastian, and I’m so miserable I feel like I’m dying every time I see him. Meanwhile, he continues to ignore me as if nothing ever happened.
“Don’t be so dramatic,” Sybil tells me.
“What?”
“That sigh.” She mimics as we leave our last class of the semester.
“Sorry,” I murmur. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“You’ve been in the funk of all funks,” she says. “I’m worried about you, babe.”
I assure her that she has no reason to be, but honestly, I’m not so certain of that myself. I’ve been so exhausted. Everything just feels unsettled, and despite the adage that things get better with time, I only feel worse with every passing day.
“I know this isn’t what you want to hear.” She loops her arm through mine as we walk across the quad. “But it’s probably for the best. At least for right now. With Louisa and your mother breathing down your necks, it was only a matter of time before you were discovered anyway.”
“I know,” I admit. “Logically, I get that. But I just… I miss him so much. It doesn’t even make sense. He acts like he’s fine, and—”
“Stella, he isn’t fine.” Sybil stops and stares at me as if I’ve sprouted another head. “Have you not noticed the dark circles beneath his eyes? Or the way he keeps staring at you in class when he thinks you won’t notice?”
“He does that?” Against my better judgment, my heart does a little flip.