I will be with you when you pass through the waters, and when you pass through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. You will not be scorched when you walk through the fire, and the flame will not burn you.
The day he’d given it to me, I thought it meant he wanted me to believe. He wanted me to have faith that God was always with me. But now I knew that he really meant it was him. Lucian would always be with me. Or at least, that was what he wanted me to think.
We pulled into the parking lot, and I adjusted my dress as I got out. Birdie fussed over my hat and wiped the mascara that had leaked from the corner of my eyes as others joined us from their own cars. I invited everyone we knew, which wasn’t a long list, but I didn’t want Lucian to be buried alone.
Together, Father Hawk, Ace, Nolan, Kate, Birdie, and Luna walked beside me to the plot where my husband would be sealed away from me. It was still early, but I instructed Father Hawk to go ahead regardless. Everyone who loved Lucian was already there, or so I believed.
Halfway through his service, I looked up to find that several others had shown up. I didn’t recognize them, but I knew without asking that they were his clients. The men were rough around the edges. The kind that, at first glance, society wouldn’t think twice about labeling a criminal. And over the next twenty minutes, they multiplied. They came in droves until there were no longer enough chairs, and standing was the only option. I looked out over the sea of faces from my place beside the plot, and I wondered who they all were. How Lucian had helped them. I had an urge to hear their stories, and when Father Hawk finished, I told him to give them the chance.
Some paid their respects silently, but others stood to speak. The speeches were short and choppy, but each man gave an emotional display of gratitude to the only man who’d ever believed in them. My eyes watered more than once as I listened to their stories, and my shoes wobbled when it was finally my turn.
I’d spent the entire day prior writing notes about Lucian. I wrote about how beautiful he was. How smart, and generous, and secretly kind he’d been in his life. I wrote about his trials and strength, and the lessons he had taught me. All of these things were true, but when I stood to read them, another tidal wave of anger came over me that I had to say them at all.
Halfway through my first sentence, I stopped, coughing out a deranged laugh as everybody stared at me. “Would you look at us?” I gestured to the guests. “Who would have thought that this man could bring us all together? A bunch of so-called criminals, a biker, a priest, and a con artist. These are the people who Lucian called friends.”
Birdie stood and grabbed my arm, trying to whisper in my ear, but I wasn’t finished. “And the biggest shame is that we are the only ones who loved him. The world will never know how much good he did. The world doesn’t give a fuck.”
Father Hawk joined my other side then, but he didn’t try to stop me from speaking.
“You know who gives a fuck?” I asked, gesturing wildly around me. “All of us. We’re it. How fair is that?”
Nobody answered my rhetorical question, and since I was already a wrecking ball, I went on. “Fuck the media,” I said. “Fuck anyone who’s ever said a bad word about this man. Fuck them all.”
A burly man in the back with a long gray beard and a biker vest started a slow clap, and soon, the others joined him. It made me feel good. But then I remembered the reason I was here, and my passion swiftly returned to despair.
“He deserved so much more than what he got.” I bowed my head. “It really wasn’t fair. He probably deserved better than the likes of me too.”
My eyes drifted to the small wooden box that held the remains of my husband, and my chest hurt. “But he picked me. And he made me love him. I loved him fiercely.” I sniffled and wiped at my eyes. “I never got to tell him that.”
Everything went silent for a while after that. Nobody knew what to do while I stood there, motionless and wrung out, but I wasn’t finished. The aftermath was only just beginning, and I couldn’t navigate the maze of emotions left in front of me.
“How could he leave me?” I whispered.
Nobody answered. There were a few uncomfortable sounds of throats clearing before I answered myself.
“How dare he give up?” I said. “How dare he leave without saying goodbye to any of us? It’s bullshit. This whole thing is bullshit. And it’s so fucking selfish of him to do this to us, am I right?”
There was no clapping this time, but I didn’t care. I was done with this crowd too. “And do you know what else? He doesn’t get to dictate everything anymore. He doesn’t get to give his orders from beyond the grave. So I’m taking this with me.”
I stalked forward and grabbed the wooden box off the table and clutched it against my chest, staring out at the crowd. “I dare you to stop me.”
Nobody did.
THE GUARD POINTED AT THEempty seat at the table, and I sat down across from her.
Two weeks outside of Lucian’s passing, I still wore the burden of grief on my face. But my dress was designer, and the heels were too, and I’d never made an effort to look any better than I had that day.
The visit wasn’t a surprise. I had to file an application in advance, and she had to agree to it. That was how it came to pass that I was sitting across from the empty void in prison orange. She was a plain-featured woman with limp, stringy brown hair that had begun to gray at the roots. Her face was without makeup, but even if it were, I doubted it would have improved her appearance.
She was no threat to me, and I wanted to make that clear when I sat up straighter, acting the part of a lady even though I felt anything but. The truth was, at that moment, I wanted to murder her. I had visions of grabbing that stringy brown hair and smashing her head into the table over and over. For a second, I thought it might make me feel better, but the reality was that nothing could. I’d had two weeks to come to terms with that unwavering fact.
“I wondered if I would ever meet you,” Nessie said. Her words were deliberate. A play that let me know she was aware of me before I ever gave her a second thought. She picked at her nail, and her lips twisted into a wistful smile. “My mom still keeps tabs on Lucian. Well, I mean she did, anyway. She used to send them to me whenever there was a new article.”
I forced my fingers around the bench beneath me to keep from wrapping my hands around her throat. I’d given a lot of thought to what I would say when I came here. Initially, I’d set out with the intention of laying into her. I would tell her what a piece of shit excuse for a human she was, and I would express how much I wished she were dead instead of him. But in doing that, I’d be giving her exactly what she wanted. She was still infatuated with Lucian, and my hatred for her would only stoke that flame because it would prove she was something I should care about one way or the other.
I didn’t come here to play her games. I came to play mine.
“Well, here I am.” I flashed her an exaggerated smile. “In the flesh. Was I everything you imagined I would be?”