But the woman in me sees only Javi, resting in a chair by the fire with a glass of whiskey in hand.
My eyes scan the room, seeking to destroy. But she is not here. She is not anywhere. The animal doesn't care. She wants retribution, and she will have it.
When Javi dares to look at me, I lunge for him, striking out at his chest. He grabs hold of my arm and halts the blade mid-swing.
"What's the matter, pet?" he taunts.
"I hate you!" I scream.
I try to thrust the knife again. This time he doesn't stop me, and it glances off his chest.
He's bleeding.
But it isn't enough. Not when I see the cruel laughter in his eyes. The way he mocks me with his lips.
"I thought you loved me," he sneers. "That's what you said. You said you would do anything. Anything to prove it."
"Not that," I cry.
And the tears are real now. Pain. So much pain. I feel like I've been punched in the heart.
"Where is she?" I demand. "Who is she?"
Javi snatches me by the throat and looks deep into my eyes. There was a time when my tears turned him on. A time when he liked to collect them like sweet memories. But now, they disgust him.
I disgust him. With my feelings and my humanity and my love.
"You never loved me," he snarls.
"Fuck you," I choke out.
He smiles. And it scares me more than any of his other smiles. Because there is nothing behind it. He is dead. He is without anything now.
I don't know how it came to this. How everything changed so abruptly. Even as he drags me to the bed and tears off my clothes, I want to believe that there is hope. I want to believe all is not lost.
This is just another temporary bout of insanity. But I should know by now. Everything Javi does leaves a permanent scar.
He unbuttons his jeans and thrusts inside of me without warning.
"Fucking liar," he chants.
"You're the liar!" I scream. "You're pathetic. You can't even admit your own feelings. You can't even admit that you care for me."
It's the wrong thing to say.
He stops. And dread fills my stomach. I try to look back at him, but he presses my face into the bed. Then he takes his cock out and nudges it against my ass.
I bite my lip to keep from crying out when he shoves inside. Now he wants my tears for a whole different reason. To punish me. But I won't give him the satisfaction. I won't let him see my pain. Not anymore.
My strength only enrages him further as he grabs me by the hair and yanks.
"You are nothing," he tells me. "Nothing!"
To further prove his point, he reaches for a pillow and frees it from the case. And then he wraps the case over my head, so he doesn't have to look at me.
He fucks me raw. Hard. Brutal. Neither one of us says a word.
I cry silent tears behind the veil of the pillowcase, and he grunts out his frustrations before finishing inside of me. And when he is done, he pushes me away with one final parting blow.