Li Fei shrugged. “It is one and the same.”
Ling Xin gently wrapped her cousin in her arms. The girl was openly weeping now, though she made no sound.
“Did you love him?” she asked.
The tears flowed harder then, quickly drenching her thin night dress. Ling Xin took that to mean that yes, the girl had been in love. It was a long time before either of them spoke again. And when they did, it was because Ling Xin’s mind was racing with the risks she was taking. After all, it sounded as if her cousin hadn’t undressed a man or stroked his dragon, and still her man was dead and she had been banished here.
“Your father sent you here,” she finally said. “To do what?”
Li Fei pulled herself together, though it took some time. Eventually she spoke, though her voice was shaky. “Father would not send me to the emperor. He said I was disgraced, and he would not play the emperor false.”
“But then—”
“Your father is to find me a husband here where no one knows me. He gave your father ten pieces of jade. He told him to marry me to whomever can stand the stench. He will hear no more of me.”
Ling Xin was shocked that her uncle could be so harsh. She had been away at a dancing lesson when her cousin had arrived at their home, and she’d been told nothing except that Li Fei was here to find a husband. Now, she understood why the girl had seemed so depressed.
“I am so sorry,” she said, and she meant it with her whole heart. “If I could change it, I would.”
“Just do not make my mistake,” Li Fei said. “Look all you want over the wall, talk to him and find out what he knows, but do not go further.”
Ling Xin wanted to argue, simply because she had already risked more than a simple look. Of course, she had heard tales of fathers killing unlucky suitors. Of girls who strayed when they shouldn’t have, and had paid a horrible price. But her father loved her. He would beat her, but he would not…
Marry her off to the lowest bannerman simply to be rid of her taint?
Yes, he might very well do that. Just like her uncle, her father would not risk insulting the emperor with an impure daughter.
“But how am I to entice the emperor?” she finally asked, the words an anguished whisper. And when her cousin looked at her, she struggled to explain, repeating Zhi Hao’s words. “He is a man, and no man wants virtue in his bed.”
Her cousin shook her head. “I do not know. I only know the cost of becoming impure.”
Ling Xin huffed. “You aren’t impure. You took a walk.”
“And a kiss,” Li Fei whispered. “Such a wonderful kiss.”
So there had been more. “Tell me about it,” she urged. “Tell me everything!”
Li Fei shook her head. “There is no way to describe it. Except that I never wanted it to end.”
That told her nothing. When Zhi Hao had kissed her, she hadn’t wanted it to end either. But that wasn’t love. That was experimentation. That was excitement and learning the ways of seduction.
“I think that is the way with love,” continued Li Fei. “One touch, and one is desperate for more. Every moment, every look, every…thing.” Li Fei sighed. “I lost all sense because I was in love. It made me careless. I didn’t think things through.”
“I won’t fall in love,” Ling Xin vowed. “And I’m very careful.” That was debatable, but she renewed her determination to stay vigilant.
“It’s hard to think when one’s heart is beating as if for the first time,” Li Fei said.
Ling Xin’s heart was still beating hard, and just the memory of his touch made her toes curl in delight. But that wasn’t love. That was the restlessness she always felt surfacing when there was something new to learn, something exciting to discover. She knew this feeling well, though it was certainly more intense now than ever before. Either way, she wasn’t in love. And so, she reasoned, it was safe for her to continue. So long as she was very careful not to get caught.
Which was, frankly, a childish and ridiculous thought.
She was fooling herself. She knew it. And so, before she risked everything—including her life—on midnight dalliances, she had to speak to the most logical, practical, and plain-speaking person she knew. Her mother.
Chapter Six
Ling Xin hada great deal to think about come morning. It was clear she was walking a dangerous path with Zhi Hao, but sometimes dangerous paths were necessary. Especially if one dared to become empress.
And so she sought out her mother, the one person she knew had the most common sense.