“But I think of you all the time. Tonight, you amazed me.”
Her eyes suddenly filled with tears. It was all too much. Fifteen minutes ago, she’d thought she’d lost everything when her 500 pounds went to Mr. Palmer. How much deeper the pain now that she lost Lord Kittrel, too. He’d been willing to marry her, but now couldn’t see a way. Not at the cost of his political ambitions.
Her knees went out from beneath her as a sob tore through her throat. He leaped off the bed. He was too slow to catch her, but he found a way to wrap his arms around her while she sobbed on the floor. She didn’t want to turn to him in her pain, but how could she refuse his strong arms? And when he pressed kisses into her hair and against her forehead, she cried even harder.
“I love you,” she whispered, and the pain of that admission shredded what little composure she had.
Chapter Sixteen
What the hellwas wrong with him? Aaron held Lilah as gut-wrenching sobs tore through her. Her every shudder condemned him. Every tear burned him.
Why the hell had he told her that? Why had he confessed that he could love her? Drunkenness was no excuse. And he was definitely inebriated. He’d come up here to make her feel better. He’d wanted to show her how much he admired her. And somehow that had led to his admission. And somehow that had led to her devastation.
The process wasn’t entirely clear to him. Certainly not to his befuddled mind. All he knew was that he’d hurt her, and he couldn’t forgive himself for that.
He lifted her up and carried her to the bed. He set her down on the mattress and she curled into herself, wrapping her arms around her belly as she sobbed. He had to move the food tray, but once he’d set it aside, there was nothing to do but hold her.
Her body was rigid as she gripped herself. Didn’t matter. He wrapped himself around her and held her. He said things to her. No idea what. Anything that came to mind as he tried to ease her pain. And while he murmured to her, his mind finally let him face the words she’d said as she’d collapsed.
I love you.
She loved him, and he felt guilty for feeling such happiness from those words. She was such an impressive woman that the idea of her love buoyed him even as it seemed to devastate her. Which tore at him. Which destroyed his ability to think of anything but making it better for her.
He wanted to fully surround her, but his size was such that he didn’t want to crush her. So he lay his head down on the pillow behind her and pressed kisses into the back of her neck. He pulled her close and tried to get her to turn toward him.
“Lilah, please,” he said for the thousandth time. “Please let me help you.”
He didn’t know what that meant. How was he supposed to help? He wanted to give her the money to buy the registry office, but she was right. Mr. Palmer would not sell his only livelihood now, especially since she’d just paid off a stack of his debts. And he wasn’t sure she’d take money from him anyway. It would declare to the world a very different relationship between them.
He thought about marrying her. Of course, he thought about it! Who wouldn’t want the love of a good woman for the rest of his life? But in his mind, that was choosing his own selfish needs over the good of the veterans, the poor, and the people of England he’d sworn to aid. He had a very clear agenda for his life’s work. He believed it was his God-given purpose. How could he damage that in favor of the very selfish desire to have Lilah in his life? He’d seen the resentment that built in his parents’ marriage because his father had chosen love over his goals. He didn’t want that for Lilah or himself.
What was left? Nothing but holding her. Nothing but whispering to her that it would be all right. That he was here. That he…
He didn’t say that he loved her. That would be too cruel since he couldn’t marry her. He said instead that he wanted to help. How could he help?
Eventually she quieted. A body could only withstand so much grief before it fell into exhaustion. Her breath evened out, her body unclenched, and her weight sank back against him. His words stopped. He didn’t want to disturb her if she slept, but in this she surprised him. She spoke to the wall, but her words were clear enough.
“And now I have done the one thing I swore never to do.”
“What is that?”
“I have turned my life into a Cheltenham tragedy.” She took a shuddering breath. “If I were watching this from the audience, I would tell the heroine that she is a fool.”
“Never that.”
“Oh yes,” she said. “The hero doesn’t love you. So what? Unrequited love is the most common of emotions. Incredibly boring.”
He swallowed. “I am not bored.”
“I am,” she said. She slowly stretched out her body. The motions were halting, and her breath continued to hitch, but she spoke in bracing tones as if she were trying to discipline herself. “I have lost all my money,” she said. “I willingly gambled it away. How many times have I shook my head at such a tale? Never gamble with something you cannot lose.”
“Everyone thinks they will win.”
“Oh, I am fortune’s fool,” she quoted, her voice mocking herself. It was fromRomeo and Juliet, and she clearly hated the way that cast her. She wiped her eyes and squared her shoulders for all that she was still lying down. “I will not become this wretched thing,” she said as she pushed herself upright. “I will not pine away for lack of a man.” She didn’t look at him, and he didn’t force her. Instead, he moved away from her, feeling the chill in the air as they separated.
She peered at the tray of food. Her hands were unsteady, but she was able to bring the tray back onto the bed between them. She tore off a hunk of bread and ate it with a sliver of cheese. He took his cue from her. He lifted the wine bottle and poured them both full measures.
“I don’t know if I should,” she said.