Silence filled the room, and for a heartbeat, I wondered if Holly was bracing herself for the kill. “You’re not denying it. Do you think admitting your guilt will save your life?”
I started to shake my head out of habit, but froze when it shifted the skin under her blade. “I have no intention of saving my life. I only ask that you don’t leave me here for the child in this house to find. Pua does not deserve to see that.”
“Your body being found should be the least of your worries. Why are you not pleading for your life? I don’t understand.”
I wasn’t pleading for my life because I deserved her punishment, but I had no idea how to explain that to her. She sounded utterly confused.
“It doesn’t matter,” I told her. “Just do it. Aloiki knows all my banking information. Tell him I said to give it to Caroline and Samantha.”
Despite my guilt for what I’d done, I allowed myselfone final fantasy. Or really, it was a memory that sparked a fantasy. I was sitting on the couch with Caroline and Samantha, something I’d done countless times with them. But this time, my arm was curved over Caroline’s shoulders and down to her enlarged belly as she leaned back against my chest. Mywahine, my child. My children, as Samantha rested herself against my other side.
I didn’t doubt my age or hers. There was no guilt for loving her or claiming her. Just peace, serenity, and the knowledge that I was whole. That I’d finally found my home.
The final slice did not come. The fantasy held strong, but my pain did not end. But opening my eyes would do just as little as closing them had. We would still be in the dark with her on top of me and a knife at my two most vulnerable parts.
“You’re in pain.” I was surprised by her words, and not just because of the shock she portrayed with them. Not knowing what to say, I said nothing. But she continued like she was trying to puzzle something out. “Even if I let you live, you would still be in pain.”
I didn’t like the sound ofif. “I hurt her, I deserve this.”
The knife at my throat slowly lifted, though the one pointing down into my dick remained where it was. “Well, it’s no fun to kill you if you want it.” Her voice sounded defeated, like I’d taken away her favorite toy. “Go back to being all strong and macho. Maybe fight me a little. Add the challenge back in.”
I blinked in confusion. “What?” I had no idea what the fuck was going on now. And with her on top of me, it was just turning weird.
“Eh, fuck it.” She removed the knife from my dick and actually settled herself more squarely on my abdomen as I felt her cross her legs in front of herself.On me. “Damn it. Master Mal was right. I’m going to get edgedfor dayswhen he finds out about this.”
I slowly, very slowly, reached my right arm over my head to theend table to the side of the couch. My finger searched for the push button at the base of the lamp. Even after finding it, it took a second to get my hand in the right position. Kalea really needed to invest in voice-activating lamps or something, because damn.
The light flicked on, illuminating a very disgruntled looking Holly still sitting on my chest with her legs crossed, one arm bent on her knee and resting her cheek on her fist. I didn’t see her second knife anywhere, but she twirled one between the fingers of her free hand. It was a straight blade, made for throwing, though that made it no less sharp or deadly.
If she wasn’t on my chest while I still had blood dripping down my throat and my dick still throbbed where the tip of her dagger had pricked it, I might find her pout funny.
Not knowing what else to say, I inquired, “So, um, what was Bacon right about?”
She glanced down at me like my question annoyed her. “He said that if you love Caroline the way he thinks you do then I can’t beat you up more than you are beating up yourself. I said, ‘Wanna bet?’ and he said,” her voice deepened in an uncanny imitation of Bacon’s, “‘Absolutely. Prepare to lose, Little Owl.’” She let out a long, exasperated sigh. “I mean, on one hand, orgasms! It’ll be a long several days, but in the end, I’ll be flying high. Definitely worth it then. But on the other hand,” she added like we were debating the pros and cons of going out for some grindz, “I hate losing. And his ego is already big enough as it is.”
I was not entirely certain I was not dreaming. What the fuck was happening right now? Then I realized what she said Bacon had originally told her. He knew! He knew about my feelings for Caroline! Why hadn’t he stepped in? Stopped me? Interfered? Protectedherbefore I hurt her as I did? I was horrified that my feelings were so obvious that both Lucifer and Bacon had guessed their existence and angry that neither man had said anything.
How could they leave Caroline so vulnerable?
Except, it wasn’t their fault. I could not put blame on them or Caroline when it was all my doing. From the moment I met her in that fucking basement in Yonkers, I’d wanted her. And I’d maneuvered myself perfectly into her life to where what happened three days ago was not only inevitable but pathetically predictable. And I was the fucking bastard who thought I was strong enough to resist her.
Iwas the one who hurt her. No one else.
I couldn’t even bear to think her name until Holly said it in the dark, like that would change what I had done.
Holly tilted her head to the side, looking oddly like a curious puppy. “If you care about Caroline, why did you hurt her?”
The reminder of the pain I’d caused made me wince, but her inquisitiveness took the sting from the question. Like she was a student hoping to learn. How was she in her thirties but did not understand something that was so fundamentally human?
“I don’t have an answer for you.”
“But you do care about her?”
I nodded. “More than I should.”
“Because of her age,” Holly concluded, that academic look back in her eyes.
“That’s one of them.” But there was so much more, including her history of abuse. “Look, I’m not sure I should be talking to you about?—”