I leaned down and pressed my lips to her forehead. I couldclaim it was a platonic gesture, meant only to comfort her, but even a blind man would be able to see through that lie. I heard the flowers hit the couch before her hands came up to grip my wrists.
“Don’t tell me,” I encouraged against her soft skin. “Not until you’re ready or not at all. It won’t matter and it doesn’t matter. Not to me.”
I couldn’t imagine, and frankly didn’t want to even try to imagine, what she had gone through. I had no reason to know unless it would help her to tell me. Nothing she said, nothing she did to have survived the hell she’d been put into when she was fuckingnine years old, would change anything. So why say it? Why force her to relive those memories when the outcome would be the same?
She shook slightly against me. “It’s not fair to you?—”
“I don’t give a fuck,” I interrupted. Not if it tormented her to say the words. I would take unfairness over her pain any day. “It changes nothing.”
“I don’t deserve you…”
Fucking hell. This woman might as well rip out my heart and stomp on it; it would hurt less. “Don’t say that. It couldn’t be further from the truth.”
“The things I feel for you… I thought I was going to die in that basement, Tangaloa. I thought it was going to be my fate to die in that basement, my daughter never having seen the sunlight or know the feel of the breeze on her cheeks. I never expected… How do I know? Dr. Akamu told me about Stockholm and Hero Worship syndromes. How do I know if what I feel for you is real?”
E iho ana a luna
E pi’i ana o lalo
E hui ana na moku
E ku ana ka paia
I chanted theOli Hooikaika, a prayer for strength, in my head at least twenty times. Both in my native tongue and in English.
That which is above, be brought down.
That which is below, shall be lifted up.
The islands shall be united.
The walls shall stand upright!
It did nothing to help.
My knees gave out, and I slid to the dense carpeting before her. She was so petite that my face easily buried in the crook of her shoulder as I wrapped my arms around her. “How can you ask me that?” My voice sounded rough, like I’d just eaten gravel. “After what you asked me the other night, how can you ask me that now?”
With our positions now reversed, it was her turn to rest her cheek on my hair. “I don’t believe that you would take a woman against her will. If I did, I wouldn’t be standing here with you right now. I was hurt that you were with her. I think I was trying to find a reason to blame you, to hate you. I’m so sorry, Tangaloa. I did not realize how much I needed you until you weren’t there.”
Her reasoning hurt, but after my talk with Holly—or rather, Holly’s talk with me—I understood it. Didn’t like it, but understood it.
“I can’t be what you need,” I told her, inhaling that vanilla and honey lotion she wore today.
“I need you here. For now, isn’t that enough?”
I nodded. It had to be, because the last four days were some of the worst of my life. “I shouldn’t be holding you like this.” Even as the words came out of my mouth, I gripped her tighter, not wanting to let go.
“I need you to hold me like this.” Caroline tightened her holdtoo. “I don’t know when Samantha will be back, but I need this. So badly.”
I did too. I hadn’t realized just how much rage, frustration, and self-pity I had been harboring inside me until it seeped from my soul at her touch.
It became an unspoken vow. We clung to each other until that inevitable knock on the door that popped our delusion and sent reality crashing back down on us.
Chapter Six
The next two weeks were like nothing I’d ever experienced before. I was happy, and I credited that entirely to the two girls who had completely taken over my life. Lucifermayhave had a point about the relief admitting my growing feelings for Caroline would give me, but he sure as fuck did not get props for it. Not when Caroline and Samantha were beyond perfect.
I went back to the same rules as before. Absolutely nothing inappropriate happened between Caroline and me, but I did stop chastising myself for my thoughts and feelings. I allowed myself to dream of a future that may not happen any time soon, but could eventually happen.