Holly didn’t respond. Just kept checking about. I had no idea what she was looking for, and frankly, I felt a little awkward having her present without Bacon. I didn’t want to be accused of doing something inappropriate with Holly.
“Um, what can I help you with?”
“I can’t sleep. My insomnia acts up around this time of year. Memories that visit me in dreams, as if I need a reminder of them.” She walked over to the kitchen table. With her hands still behind her back, she bent over the pistols. “I don’t understand guns. They kill too quickly. I like knowing the person feels every second of their death.” She straightened. “I like them knowing why.”
A chill came over me. Holly spoke as if she’d killed before. This little thing who barely stood over five foot? What threat was she? I knew she was odd, but… I hadn’t pegged her as dangerous. Were Caroline and Samantha safe around her?
“You made Caroline cry.” Holly wandered away from me. She went to the other side of the bed, still doing that assessment of the room. What was she looking for? Did she think someone else was in here?
I didn’t like hearing that Caroline had been crying, but I wasn’t surprised. I recalled how red her eyes had been yesterday. “I’m not sure that’s any of your business,” I told Holly sternly.
Holly shrugged that off like I’d told her peanuts were my least favorite nut. “She’s in my house. She’s under my protection. That makes her my business.”
Underherprotection… Not Bacon’s and not the club’s.Hers. Yeah, this conversation was getting weirder by the second.
“A big, strong man like you, rape isn’t something you have to think about often.” She ran her fingertips down the bedsheets like she was testing their thread count. “Probably nothing you ever even considered could happen to you. It would take a lot to takeyou down.” She finally looked over at me, meeting my eyes for the first time. She had a similar shading to her eyes as Caroline, but Caroline’s were innocent whereas there was something twisted in Holly’s. “Imagine being held down against your will. All your power taken away from you. All your senses amped up to a thousand percent, fear and adrenaline pumping through your system, and knowingin your soulthat something precious isn’t just going to be taken from you. It’s going to be ripped, shredded, gutted, and there’s not a damn thing you can do to stop it. You can’t save yourself andno oneis coming for you. No one even knows or cares where you are. Nothing that is happening or about to happen is your fault. Not what you were wearing or where you were or something you said.Nothing, and yet you can’t help but wonder what you did wrong. Guilt tears at you, because there has to be a reason. Youhadto have done something to cause this. Otherwise, why you?
“You think of anything else during. Find your happy place and try to block out the pain, the knowledge that you are utterly and truly helpless. It feels like forever. You want it to stop, but what if the end is worse than the present? How can anything feelrightafter this?
“And when it is over, you realize you’re still drowning, still falling. Doctors can fix your body, but they can’t fix your mind, your soul. That tainted feel. The stain of filth and grime that you can’t see, can’t wash off, but always know is there.”
I stood frozen in my place by the kitchen table as Holly talked, her words somehow transporting me to a perspective I’d never considered.
“Next time she questions you,” Holly continued without pause, “stop and think for a moment about what was taken from her. That piece that she still feels is missing. Rome wasn’t built in a day, Tangaloa, and trust burns just as easily. Maybe stop andwonder how much of herself she’s already given to you without question, without even really knowing you.”
And with that, Holly walked out of my makeshift bedroom.
I was headingtowards Bacon’s house when I saw Saga, Tick, and Lucifer standing outside the front stairs. Despite having been defrocked, Lucifer still wore the white collar at his throat of his former profession. I didn’t know what specifically had happened to make him leave the Catholic Church, but from what little I knew, it hadn’t affected his faith. He spent most of his days in Mililani at the youth center, playing basketball, counseling the students, and trying to keep them out of trouble. On more than one occasion, the club had brought our bikes down to the center and the kids helped us with maintenance and cleaning. He’d tried to do a similar project at the local high school, but the uptight pricks who ran the district clutched their pearls at the idea of “criminals” coming to teach their students anything.
Just for shits and giggles, I sent a letter to the school board offering to teach the students the ins and outs of guns too. I signed it “Your Friendly Neighborhood Arms Dealer”. I wasn’t serious, just trying to get a rise out of them after they rejected Lucifer, but I did believe in teaching gun safety to our youth.
Kayl thought my joke less than funny when he had to track me down, and charge me a fee fornotarresting me and the headache my letter caused him with his bosses. Worth every penny.
My eyes narrowed when I saw Saga. Just because I’d stepped back and started sleeping in the barn did not mean I didn’t know every whereabout and activity of my girls. Saga had stepped up to fill my (metaphorical) slippahs the past four days, and he knew tokeep his hands to himself unless he wanted his new road name to be Captain Hook.
“What the fuck are you doing out here? Where are Caroline and Samantha?” I demanded, approaching the three men.
Saga paled upon seeing me. Tick’s and Lucifer’s humorous expressions only increased at my arrival.
Samantha had a swimming lesson this morning. Since there was no way I was teaching either Samantha or Caroline to swim in the tidal ocean, we were using Bacon and Holly’s indoor pool on the third floor. Because of course the mansion with the sex dungeon, movie theater, and sauna had an indoor pool too.
But her lesson should have started twenty minutes ago. Why wasn’t Saga in the pool with Samantha? Tommy usually brought his dogs to the pool too to encourage Samantha to get in the water. Maybe he’d been delayed and they were waiting on him? Tommy was one of the few members who hadn’t moved into Bacon’s house when the rest of us did. Since he had five Newfoundland dogs, which were giant, shaggy, and rambunctious, he hadn’t even bothered trying to move in with the rest of us. It was a good thing Aloiki had not made living together a requirement, because Tommy had also stated that he would burn his cut before he got rid of his dogs.
After Nishi’s memorial, there’d been a couple changes in rank. Tommy was offered the position of Club Medic rather than Enforcer. This was not a punishment, and Aloiki made that known. Since some Officer positions were handed out before the club had found our rhythm, it made sense that there might be some swaps along the way. Tommy had been acting as a Medic more than he was an Enforcer, and I supported the proposal without question. Once Tommy accepted the new position, Aloiki offered the twins the Enforcer patch. They’d originally been named Tail Gunner and Road Captain, but that alsodidn’t fit them very well. No one objected to their new position, and like Tommy, they were given new patches for their cuts.
While we were now short a Road Captain, Tail Gunner, and Nomad, they were not positions we felt were needed to be filled right away. Our island was small enough that a Road Captain wasn’t necessary for outings or club runs.
Tommy was taking his new position very seriously, and had talked about signing up for some nursing classes. He knew enough to help, but he wasn’t a medical professional. I didn’t think he had actually started taking classes yet though. But even if he had, he would have reached out to me, not Saga, to switch around Samantha’s swim lesson time.
Saga’s eyes flicked behind him towards the house. “I, uh… Caroline needed… We’re running a little behind.”
My nostrils flared and I got right up in his face. “What the fuck does Caroline need and why the fuck are you not getting it for her?”
“I just… I needed help! I didn’t know what to do!”
The desperation in his voice made me take a very small step back. “What does that mean?” Was Caroline okay? Had something happened? She’d been getting better about getting in the water with Samantha and me, even when it wasn’t time for her lesson.
“Look, she was really upset, and I could barely understand her! I asked Lu, and she was going to give me a list but then Paniolo came over and got all pissy at me for talking to Lu, andGooglewas no help at all!”