How I was only pushing myself farther and farther from the life I used to want and the person I used to be.
I used it as an escape from reality, from myself, which wasn’t healthy.
Monroe looked at me for a moment, took a breath, and said, “Yeah. He told me about that. Beau wanting to leave, I mean. Didn’t know about the why of it all, but I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Well, he had me there. “Yeah, I’m not very proud of myself. I think I need to…cool it a bit.”
He nodded. “Whatever you decide, I’m here for you, but…” He shrugged. “Is this it? You pretend you’re happy with how your life is now, but I’ve seen you truly happy, and this ain’t it.”
It felt like there was a giant ball in my throat. My eyes started to well with tears, so I squeezed them shut and listened to Monroe as he continued hitting me with more truths.
“I remember the Lea that was carefree and wild and not afraid of anything. Especially not giving your heart away. Not everyone is a Lyle, and one day you’ll find someone who could love you with all his heart, and you’ll be too scared to let him have yours. I don’t want you to miss out on something like that. That kind of happiness. I think we all want that for you. So…just want to make sure you’re choosing the life you deserve. One that will make youtrulyhappy. I don’t want you to have regrets. Not like me.”
Oh, my poor baby Monroe. He still carried all that pain around, and thought he deserved to keep suffering for what had happened so long ago. I knew there was nothing I could do or say that would make him feel better—we’d all tried, over the years. He had to figure out how to heal on his own.
His words ended up draining me of any fight I had left, and a weary sadness settled over me. I was tired, lonely, and sick of myself and who I’d become. I didn’t want to have regrets, either. Regrets that would eat away at me, day after day.
They already were.
I carefully folded the flyer and then tucked it into my pocket. I met Monroe’s soft but penetrating gaze and cleared my throat. “So you’re all just sitting around discussing my happiness? Or lack thereof?” The sarcastic tone fell flat since my voice was so wobbly.
Monroe smiled and rolled his eyes. “No. We’re all sitting around discussing how much we love you. And talking about our own shitty love lives—or lack thereof. You know we’re not gossiping, Lea. I’m sure you’ve got a few opinions of your ownabout each and every one of us. Actually, I know you do, because you share them frequently. And loudly. We’re basically brothers at this point, and it’s our job to to tell each other the truth, whether it’s pretty or not.”
“Yeah,” I sighed. “All right. Ugh. I’ll call him back. And…thanks, Munny. I love you.”
I quickly signed the documents he’d pulled out, then left Monroe in the office and tried to shake off the anxiety his words had dredged up.
I was a mess. And all I wanted right now, more than anything, was to be a mess in Beau’s arms.
17
BEAU
Lea’s sister was something else.
As soon as I was finished with work for the day, she’d dragged me out of the apartment to an arcade a few blocks over.
I didn’t even know arcades still existed. I’d never been to one before, and her excitement was contagious. Plus, she didn’t even give me the opportunity to say no to her, not with the way she begged and begged andbegged—even though I wasn’t saying no, she just didn’t give me a chance to reply before the begging started. She certainly had a flair for the dramatic.
Maybe she was an actress?
“Are you an actress?” I asked her as she jumped and stomped to the steps that the dance game displayed on the screen. She had a never-ending well of energy.
Judy laughed—theatrically—and fluttered her hands like she was fanning herself. “Oh,no, you sweet boy. But I don’t blame you for thinking so. In fact, I’m flattered.” She hit every step and jumped exuberantly on the last one, throwing her arms over her head in a triumphant pose asNew High Score!flashed across the screen. “Hell yes!”
Judy stepped down, grinning, then nodded to the object I was clutching in my hand. “Is that all you wanted? I won over a thousand tickets, we could probably buy out the whole arcade.”
“Um, yeah. Just this is good. It’s for Lea,” I added, looking down at the octopus candleholder. What a random prize to have at an arcade. But I couldn’tnotget it, and I was nervous to give it to Lea. Wasn’t sure if he would even like it, or like the fact that I’d gotten him a gift at all.
“He’ll love it,” she said. Her phone started ringing, and she pulled it out of her large twine satchel bag and answered it. “You’ve missed the best evening yet, brother dear.” Her eyes cut to mine and her lips curved in a slow smile.
It reminded me of Lea’s smile.
“Oh yes, he’s right here. Mmhmm.” Judy laughed. “Well I suppose you’ll have to ask him yourself, now, won’t you? Yes, yes.” She rolled her eyes. “Ugh. Fine.” She pulled the phone away from her face and hung up. “I’m not sure why he’d call me and not you if he didn’t even care about talking to me. He just wanted to know where you were. I swear, it’s like I don’t exist,” she pouted.
Oh crap. Lea and I had never even exchanged phone numbers. “Oh—ha.” I pulled out my phone and pretended to be surprised. “Oh no, four missed calls. I forgot I left it on silent.”
Judy squinted at me. “Hm. Well, I suppose we better hurry back before he has an aneurysm. Although I can’t say I’m sorry for stealing you. You’re refreshing, Beau. So…unassuming.” She patted my cheek and smiled, then flounced out of the arcade.