I had messed up. Monumentally. I hadn’t called Shea back because I didn’t even know what to say to him. I was afraid I would just blurt out the truth of things and beg for his forgiveness—which I probably wouldn’t get.
The doubt followed not too far behind the guilt. Doubt in myself, in my judgment. And then horror. Horror that I’d let myself kiss Beau so enthusiastically, not giving a shit about anything but what we were doing in that moment.
I went on a vomit-inducing roller coaster of emotions.
I was so, so stupid. Was only thinking with my dick. And on top of it all, I felt like I’d taken advantage of Beau. Sweet, innocent Beau, who had admitted that he was gay only moments before I laid him out on the bed and swallowed him down like a cock-hungry fiend.
I had to apologize and tell him that would never happen again. I would speak to him when I got home later tonight. We’d get through this week, keep up the ridiculous pretense that we were dating, keep our hands to ourselves, and then have separate rooms again. Separate lives. No more cuddles.
Fuck, no more cuddles.
It didn’t matter that I was a bit obsessed with my quiet, sexy roommate. It didn’t matter that even just the thought of him getting physical with another man made me want to throw every decanter on the top shelf against the wall. What mattered was stopping this before it got out of hand. It was still fixable at this point. Beau had been in a vulnerable state, and I needed to apologize for taking advantage of that.
Yes. There. A plan. Good.
Why did I hate the ever-loving shit out of it?
“You look like you’re trying to do mental math. There’s a calculator by the register,” Monroe pointed out, coming up behind me like a sneaky snake.
I looked up from the glass I’d been polishing for a while now and narrowed my eyes at him. “Your tacos gave me indigestion, that’s why I look like this.”
“Uh huh. I need you to sign a couple things whenever you’re done cleaning that glass,” he said. “And a few people wanted to put up some flyers on the board, but I wanted to run them by you before we put ‘em up there.”
Probably just some more job listings and gig workers. Although once we’d gotten a flyer for a one-man burlesque show that someone was running out of their basement. Ascurious as I’d been, Monroe had talked me out of going on the suspicion that the guy was possibly a serial killer.
I’d told Monroe he was a serial boner killer.
“Well, lucky for you I’m all done with this glass. Show me those flyers,mon capitaine.”
Monroe shook his head. “You’re still doin’ that French crap? Why the hell do you like it so much?”
“Because it’s a sexy, filthy language, my good man. You should try it.”
“You tookone semesterin college.” He sighed and led the way to his office while I smiled at his back.
I loved my cranky friend.
When I’d first met Monroe, I remembered thinking that if I hadn’t been with Lyle, I would have loved to ask Monroe out. He was gorgeous and grumpy and incredibly sweet under that mean shell, and it was so much fun trying to poke holes to let a little sunlight shine through. But Monroe only had eyes for one man back then, and that man was notmoi.
Soon enough, Monroe and I were bonding over broken hearts. Out of all our friends, I felt like he was the only one who couldtrulyunderstand how I’d felt when things had ended with Lyle because he’d also lost a love of his own.
“All right, so the first couple are just local music instructors, but we had a new one come in from the youth center. A ‘help needed’ kind of thing, they’re looking for a coding tutor slash general software guru for kids who are into that sort of thing.” He shook his head as he handed me the flyer. “Not sure whyanykid would be interested in that stuff so young. I sure as hell wasn’t thinking about computer codes when I was fifteen. Or now, for that matter.”
I took the flyer, a spark of excitement flaring through me. This would be perfect for Beau. It would help get him out more, connect with people who liked the same things he did, help him get involved in the community so he felt like hebelonged. Maybe help him gain a little more confidence in himself, too. He was incredibly competent, and maybe if he was able to succeed doing something like this, he’d be able to see that in himself.
“Can I take this, actually?” I asked Monroe. His amber eyes flashed to mine, brows scrunched in confusion, so I added, “I think Beau would be interested.”
He raised one black brow at that. “I mean, sure. Whatever. What about the other ones? Good to put them up?”
“Yeah. Go ahead.” I waved airily.
“’Kay. By the way, Shea called and said he couldn’t get ahold of you. I got ahold of you just fine. Anything you wanna talk about?”
I sighed and propped my hip against his desk. “Not really. It’s not a big deal. Maybe a tiny bit. Okay, fine, I made Beau uncomfortable when he first got here by jerking off in my room but in my defense, I didn’t know he could hear me. He kind of wanted to leave after that, told Shea that, but it’s fine now, Beau and I talked it out and we’re good.”
Sort of.
That whole ordeal had brought to light a hard-hitting truth I hadn’t wanted to acknowledge in a long time. How sex in my life had gotten to the point where it was my biggest hobby, the only thing I really wanted to do during my downtime.