I had never held anyone before. Had never experienced just how right it felt to have someone like Lea in my arms. He was so warm, so close, and I’d wanted to bury my nose in the crook of his neck, let his sleep-mussed hair tickle my cheek.
But my erection was pressed against his soft, full ass, and the absolute terror of him waking up and feeling me—there—had me jumping out of that bed so fast I’d almost fallen on my face.
And when he’d kissed me on the cheek at breakfast this morning, his hands on my hips, fingers gently flexing against me…I’d almost burned myself.
The next two kisses had left me without a single thought in my brain or any oxygen in my lungs.
Why did I think I could do this? I should have known that there would be no way out of this without him finding out that I wasn’t into women at all. That I was only into him.
The only thing I could think of to stop that from happening in the most humiliating way was to just tell him myself. Rip that bandaid right off so we weren’t forced to have an awkward conversation about all the boners I’d been getting.
Not that telling him this would stop me from getting hard around him…maybe I should just put it off a little?—
No.
I could do it. I could do this. Lea had proven to me time and again that he was trustworthy. He wassafe. He’d repeatedly offered me comfort without judgment of any kind.
And I knew, from the bottom of my heart, that he would never, ever judge me or ridicule me for this. He was the most accepting, open person I’d ever met, and I knew he would embrace it.
Possibly even be proud of me.
That was what solidified my decision—the idea that Lea might be proud of me in some way. To think that I might have his praise and pride was irresistible.
All I had to do was muster up the courage to tell him those two words that I’d never said out loud to another soul.
In the late evening,when Lea got home from work, the three of us sat on the couch and watched some cheesy reality show.
I didn’t mind, though. They made Lea happy.
After an hour, Judy left to go out somewhere, leaving me alone with the object of my obsession.
He had his arm thrown across the back of the couch behind my shoulders, but hadn’t kissed me again. He was, however, playing idly with the hair at the nape of my neck, his fingers sometimes grazing across my skin and making me shiver.
He’d asked me multiple times if I was cold, and though I denied it, he got a throw blanket and laid it across our laps.
After an hour of trying to focus on anything but Lea and failing, I got up and went to his room with the excuse that I was tired.
I buried my face in his pillow, inhaling that sweet scent as a painful longing rolled through me.
My deepest desire, from the time I was young, was to get out of Kansas, be my truest self, and find someone I could love with all my heart. Someone who would love me back just as much.
Well, here I was—out of Kansas, my abusive mother dead, and I hadn’t done a single thing to make that happen for myself.
Anger began to build; anger at the futility of it all, at my own lack of courage, at my circumstances, at my mother, at the world. Why couldn’t I just—justsayit? Why hadn’t I ever told Shea? He was my brother and he was queer, too, for god’s sake!
I was sotiredof being a coward. I was sick of my own timidity. And I was the only one who could change those things about myself. It started withme.
I’d always wished I was more outgoing, like Shea or Lea. Always wanted to be able to meet new people without buckets of anxiety pouring over me. Wanted to go to new places or donew things without feeling like I was utterly unqualified for any of it.
I wasn’t normal and I didn’t deserve normal things. I was a weak, boring person that had nothing to offer?—
The mattress dipped behind me, and I lifted my head to find Lea there, halfway through climbing onto the bed. He smiled at me, a beautiful, genuine smile that was somewhat sheepish, and oh, how I wanted him to crawl over me, pull me into his arms, and whisper sweet words in my ear.
A coward like me didn’t deserve someone like Lea.
His smile faded the longer he stared at me, and then he asked softly, “Beau? What’s wrong?” He pulled his other leg up, crossed both, and sat facing me. He sighed and looked down at his hands. “Look, let’s just call this off. I’m sorry, it was selfish of me to even consider it. I’ll tell them I lied, and?—”
“I’m gay,” I blurted out.