I probably should have left, but I wasn’t sure if I could live with myself if I made that choice. Just because her love was the toxic kind, that didn’t mean it was easy to let go of.
As her disease progressed, she became a shell of a person.
If she’d known I was gay, she would’ve disowned me. Which would’ve been a blessing in its own right.
Hiding wasn’t the solution to anything anymore and I’d done enough hiding in Kansas. But right now, at this exact moment, I wasn’t sure I was ready to come out. Maybe I’d be brave enough at some point to get out there and meet people. Maybe even meet a guy. Blue Harbor seemed like a good place to do that. A safe place.
I just needed some time.
“Beau?”
I jolted in my chair, knocked my forearms against my keyboard, and turned to see Lea standing in the doorway.
“Sorry, although I suppose turnabout is fair play,” he said with a wry smile, those cat lips curling upward.
I licked my lips, my mouth too dry, my heart suddenly racing “Hey. What’s up?”
Lea pushed the door open wider and stepped into the room. He glanced at my computer, his brows rising at the three monitors. “I just wanted to say that you don’t have to come to the bar if you don’t want to. I know you like your space, and your alone time, and the bar scene is probably not your speed, which I wasn’t thinking about earlier when we invited you. I was, once again, being selfish?—”
“No, I want to go,” I said quickly, before I could change my mind or think about it too hard. “I’ll go.”
He looked so pleased with my assent that, no matter what happened tonight, no matter how much I might end up hating it, I wouldn’t regret it. I’d agree a thousand times over just to see his face light up like that.
God, he was gorgeous. Did he know that? Yeah, he probably knew that. But it wasn’t just his looks. He had a personality that was just as bright, but hard to pin down. Light and bubbly one moment, soft and sincere the next. It felt like it fluctuated, kept changing course, like water in a winding stream. There were somany facets to him, and I knew I’d yet to see them all. I wanted to. It was a little concerning how badly I wanted to.
“Well, this is quite the pleasant surprise. I promise you won’t regret it.” He winked, and I melted.
“Y-yeah,” I said, nerves flaring up. “Thank you.”
Lea’s eyes trailed down my body, and I clutched the back of my chair as heat engulfed me. He pointed a finger and did a little circle with it, pursing his lips. “Is this the extent of your wardrobe?”
I looked down at myself, wondering what was wrong with what I was wearing. Jeans and a t-shirt. It was a normal outfit. “Why? What’s wrong with it?”
Lea shook his head and smiled. “Nothing at all, I just wasn’t sure if you were someone who liked to get a little dolled up when you go out. But what you’re wearing is good, I have no doubt you’ll draw the eyes of lots of ladies. I know they’ll all be fighting over you and those freckles.”
My stomach soured at his words, but I didn’t correct him. “Yeah.”
“We can walk together, if that’s okay. You haven’t been there yet and I don’t want you to get lost. Or kidnapped. I’m just kidding!” he rushed out when I looked at him with wide eyes. “People don’t get kidnapped here. Not unless it’s for some sex thing. Some people have very specific kinks. Anyway, would you be ready in an hour?”
Still trying to digest what he’d just told me—people got turned on by being kidnapped?—I glanced at the time on my monitor and gasped. How the hell was it already six?
I looked back at Lea, who was waiting patiently. Had he moved closer? “Yeah, that sounds good,” I told him. I didn’t tell him that I’d never actually been to a bar. Ihaddrunk alcohol before, although it was only one beer, and that was purely out of curiosity.
“It makes me really happy that you’ll be there tonight,Beau,” he said, his eyes intent on mine. Then he spun around abruptly, heading out the door, and said over his shoulder,“See you soon, love.”
It was a little scary how strongly I wanted to keep making Lea happy. I had to remind myself that I didn’t really know him.
That he wasn’t mine to please, and nor was I his.
But most of all, I had to remind myself that, like Shea, he thought I was straight.
9
BEAU
Acouple hours later I was three beers deep and lovingeverything.
Lea and Monroe’s bar—Blue’s Brews—was amazing.