Yep. I was the most selfish prick on the planet.
8
BEAU
Oh my god.
It took me five whole minutes to get my breathing to return to normal, and another five minutes to stop the furious trembling.
Why was he here? He wasn’t supposed to be here, he said he wouldn’t be back until eight in the note he left me.
I read his note again, just to make sure, then put it back in the drawer where I was keeping all the other notes he’d left me like the weirdo I was.
And today—of all days—I justhadto spill coffee on my shirt and then forget to put another one onbecause I was so busy with this issue my company was having. I’d just gotten off the phone with them after a two-hour conference call and was rushing to the bathroom when I almost smacked into Lea.
Why had he just…stood there and stared at me? It made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Maybe he was just disgusted with my body? Except he’d seen me with my shirt off that first day and hadn’t reacted like that. But he had such a beautiful body that I didn’t blame him if that was the case, I was so dull in comparison.
Or…
No. I was spiraling, and I couldn’t let the anxiety overwhelm me.
“Stop it. It’s okay,” I said, squeezing my eyes shut. “It’s okay. You’re okay. He doesn’t think you’re a freak, he was just surprised. Just…be normal. You can do this.”
I could do this. I could talk to him. Sit down and have a conversation.
Lea was just a regular person, like me.
A beautiful angel of a person whose smile made me feel like my lungs were collapsing.
I rubbed my hands down my face, took a deep breath, and headed out to the living room where I found him on the couch, facing away from me. “Lea?”
“Fuck!” he shouted, jumping to his feet and spinning around. He laughed and raked a hand through his hair. “Sorry, I was in my head. Shit. Here, why don’t you sit on the couch and I’ll pull up a chair?—”
“It’s fine,” I said, coming around to sit down on the other end of the couch.
“You sure? I can—no, it’s fine, you’re right. Are you thirsty? Hungry? Have you eaten lunch? Maybe we should grab something to eat before we talk? Yeah, I should’ve gotten something.”
Why was I getting the impression that Lea was just as nervous as I was?
He paced to the door like he was actually going to leave to get food, so I cleared my throat. “No, I’m—it’s okay. You said you wanted to, um, talk to me?”
“Yeah, I—” He blew out a harsh breath, then offered me one of his heart-stopping smiles. “I’m just gonna come right out and say it because beating around the bush isn’t my thing.”
An icy sensation crept across my skin.
“And I’m sorry, but I’ll probably be rambling because I’mnervous. I don’t really get nervous so I’m not good at handling it, it just makes me weird, as you can clearly see, but I feel so bad about everything and I guess the guilt has come in the form of anxiety, I don’t know, I’m not a psychologist.” He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, opened them, and locked them onto mine. “I’m so, so sorry if I’m the reason you’re uncomfortable here. I love people, Beau, and I never want to hurt anyone or be the reason someone is uncomfortable or unhappy. I mean, I don’t know for sure, but I have to be the reason you want to leave, right?” My mouth fell open as I stared into his eyes, completely shocked. He looked and sounded genuinely distraught, and my heart ached. “I just—why didn’t you tell me your AC was broken? I would’ve fixed it for you! And now—God, this is so embarrassing. I amsosorry, Beau.”
My concern for Lea turned into confusion, and then my stomach dropped at the crushing realization that Shea had gone and told Lea everything I’d confided in him last night. How else would he know about me wanting to leave?
Why would Shea tell him that? Why would he?—
Dread seized me and all my muscles tensed up. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe?—
“Beau?”
Why didn’t Shea warn me? Why would he do this to me? He knew I was terrified of confrontation, he knew he knew he knew and he just?—
“Beau, it’s okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t meant to upset you, I just wanted to apologize. God, I’m making everything worse, aren’t I?”