But then DS Mullins speaks and it’s like a torch is being shone directly into my eyes. ‘If I’m honest, Mrs Rai, the thing I still struggle to explain is how you came to be involved in this to the level that you are. Helping a stranger I can understand, but your role here goes beyond that of a concerned citizen.’
‘I… don’t understand,’ I reply, even though I know exactly what he’s hinting at.
‘Okay, Mrs Rai. Why did you meet Alexa Clarke’s best friend and share theories with her?’ DS Mullins’s words drill me to the sofa. ‘Sonya West was very distressed when we spoke to her. She’s adamant Otis has something to do with whatever’s happened to Alexa. She says you share that belief.’
‘That’s not true,’ I protest. ‘It’s Sonya who thinks that.’
‘And what do you think?’
‘I… I don’t know,’ I reply with a bite of my lip. ‘Does Otis know I met Sonya?’
‘Why does it matter if he does?’
I don’t know how to answer the question.
When the silence stretches to an uncomfortable level, DS Mullins flips through his notepad. ‘There are other elements of yourinvolvement here that raise questions. For example, we know you’ve spoken to Mrs Clarke’s neighbour, Dorrit Holbeck. And Otis said that the day he met you, he returned home to find you trespassing on his property. Is that true?’
I answer with a shamed nod, waiting for DS Mullins to mention seeing me at Families United, but he doesn’t.
‘Perhaps now you can see my concern. As someone who claims to be an innocent helper, some of your actions don’t match that description. You could even say they are sneaky. We thought, if you didn’t have anything to hide, you would be open to providing us with an answer as to why that is.’
As I baulk at DS Mullins’s interrogation, DS Rani leans closer. ‘What we’re trying to ascertain, Janine, is if there’s anything you’re not telling us. If there is, now is the time to share it.’
Gabby handing me Alexa’s diary flashes in my mind, as does Simon’s face at the end of the Families United meeting.
So much guilt.
So many secrets.
But as I’m on the verge of telling the police about the diary and my suspicions about Simon, I remember Gabby and Annalise. Gabby, who isn’t quite as tough as she pretends she is, whose broken heart makes her as blind and reckless as me. Kind-hearted Annalise, who doesn’t need the upset of having the police knock on her door if there’s no reason for them to.
‘Like I said, I heard Alexa was missing and wanted to help,’ I reply. ‘I approached the situation like I’d approach a book. That’s why I looked closely at Alexa’s bank trail and why I went to see Sonya. I was trying to piece together the jigsaw of what happened.’
‘Something we have in common,’ DS Rani says. ‘I’m sure you’re aware that we can only build a jigsaw when we have all the pieces.’
‘If I had more pieces, I’d share them with you.’
‘I’d like you to think about that statement carefully, Mrs Rai,’ DS Mullins replies. ‘I think you know more than you let on. I think there’s something else here. Something you’re not telling us.’
It’s DS Mullins’s suspicion that breaks me.
‘Alexa Clarke suffered four miscarriages,’ I blurt.
‘Yes, we know about them,’ he replies somewhat dismissively, but I shake my head.
‘No, you don’t understand. Alexa suffered miscarriages like… like me.’ I swallow the lump that appears in my throat. ‘I want to find her. I want to help. I want… I want…’
Even through the blur of my tears, I see the change in the room. DS Mullins sits rigid while DS Rani oozes sympathy, an emotion I find almost as unbearable as DS Mullins’s discomfort.
‘My involvement might not make sense to you, but that’s why I wanted to help,’ I whisper.
DS Mullins opens his mouth, but DS Rani shoots him a look that says, ‘Leave it.’
‘In that case,’ she says, ‘it’s time we left you to enjoy the rest of your day.’
My movements are stiff as I lead the detectives to the door. They make a point of thanking Kamal for the tea and wishing us both a good day, but their words wash over me.
As soon as the front door closes behind them, I exhale. I lean my forehead against the door, my skull rattling with a million thoughts, most of them centring around Alexa’s diary.