One tear escaped him, falling on M’sieur’s slacks and making a dark spot. “I think—I think that something—I mean, with Chou. I think it’s bad, and they won’t let me stay at night to be there.”
“I think you’re right, Alain.” Isaac slid over and patted the bench beside him. “I think it is bad, and I think he’s worried…maybe scared. He wants to talk, though, he told me he has something he needs to tell me.” As soon as he sat on the bench, M’sieur’s arms went around him, pulling him in close. “They won’t let anyone stay; they said that’s what he was so upset about.”
He shook his head. He didn’t think so. He thought Neil was worried that whoever shot him was coming back. “Maybe. I’m trying to figure how to help him, how to make y’all’s lives better.”
“That’s not on you, little one. That’s not up to you. This is big enough that we all have to figure it out together. And the rest we share too. It’s not your responsibility to make my life better. Maybe a little easier—dinner is nice, coffee in the morning is nice—but not at the expense of your own health and your own needs. I need to know, to understand what those are.”
Alain didn’t even know what he was supposed to say. So, he guessed that was the answer. “I don’t know what to say. Am I supposed to have the right answer?”
“No, boy. You’re doing just what you should. Being honest. Telling me everything. That’s enough for right now.” M’sieur gave him a squeeze. “I know some people at that facility. I’ll see what I can do about this overnight visitor issue. When I talked to them tonight, they said no visitors after eight. That’s just… I’m not happy either.”
“No. No, it’s not right. I hate this, that he’s frightened in his heart. I think that he wants to not be scared, but if he can’t be scared in front of you or me? He’s gonna explode. I just… It’s hard. I don’t know how to help him…”
“Oh, Alain. I think you should tell him what you just told me. Just exactly that. I think he needs to hear that he can be honest with us, and we’ll be there for him. We’ll go tomorrow. I’ll take the afternoon off.”
“But…” He looked up at M’sieur. “I’m not supposed to know. He’s been talking in his sleep.”
“Well, you do know. And we can’t hide that from him either. I know he wants to talk to me anyway; he told me the other day, but we just haven’t had five private minutes. But we’ll make our own privacy tomorrow. Okay? He’s got so much he’s going to have to deal with he can’t hide from us. We have to be straight with each other. He’s got a tough road ahead.”
“I don’t…do you think he wants to be a policeman still? I don’t.” He held onto Isaac’s fingers, hard.
“I think…he’d like things to be different.” M’sieur squeezed his hand too, and held him close. “I think he chose that career for the wrong reasons, and it’s not good for him. But regardless, you and I both know he’s not going back on the job.”
Oh. Oh, thank god. He grunted with the sudden release of tension. “No. No, he ain’t.”
“And he’s going to be conflicted about that, right? Because I think he’s ready to quit, but he doesn’t want anyone to tell him he has to. You know? It’s going to be hard, and he’s going to be angry and frustrated. But we’re ready for him, aren’t we? We’re going to get him through it, and on to whatever is next for him.”
“Yes, Sir.” He pushed himself up and launched into M’sieur’s arms and held on tight. “Thank you for saying.”
M’sieur just held him close. “Thank you for opening up. It’s hard to know what to do sometimes, I know. But that’s the beautiful thing about submission—you don’t have to make those decisions. You stay honest, tell us everything and you’ll never have to wonder if you’re doing the right thing.”
“I don’t want to add to your stress. I know you’re so worried. I just… I am too. Someone tried to kill him. What if they come back?”
He felt M’sieur nod against him. “I know. That’s what worries me too. Don’t you feel better knowing you’re not alone? You’re not adding to my stress; you’re giving me reason to believe I’m right. The rehab is safer than the hospital because it locks down after visiting hours, but tomorrow we’ll have to get in there and see what’s what. I hear what you’re saying, but your stress is my stress. It’s the same. We can be stronger together.”
He nodded, sniffling hard. “I was so scared. Can I hold you a little while?”
“I’d like that, actually. Can we climb up into bed?” Isaac let him go slowly, shifting him to his feet.
He nodded and helped M’sieur with his slacks, his shirt. They needed to both be comfortable.
“Such tears. I’m sorry I didn’t see how bottled up you were sooner.” M’sieur held out the box of tissues so he could take one. “It’s okay to be scared. It’s not okay to hide it from me. From us. You feel better? Remember this feeling the next time you wonder if you should talk. Always talk. I love you, Alain. My job is to listen.”
“I love you. I was trying to be amazing for y’all. I swear, I was trying to do right.”
M’sieur watched as he wiggled out of his clothes too and climbed up under the covers. “You were amazing. Youareamazing.”
He cupped M’sieur’s face and kissed him. “This ain’t wrong, is it? To love on each other when he’s alone?”
Alain wanted them all together again. All home.
“It’s not wrong to just hold each other. I know he’d rather be here. I wish he could be, but I don’t think he’d want us to feel alone without him. We’ll wait a bit on anything more and see, hm?”
He nodded. The energy wasn’t sexual, and he wasn’t hunting that. He wanted to comfort and to be comforted. He wanted loving.
“Good boy.” The praise was warm and genuine, and he hadn’t been seeking it, but he was glad to have it. M’sieur pulled him in so close there wasn’t air between them and kissed his forehead. “Yeah, this is what I need. Just this.”
“Oui. Just this.” Alain sighed and let himself close his eyes.