I leaned back into Duke’s chest as his arms tightened around my middle.
“Instead of clearing that part out, she let it rot until it completely destroyed the person she was before. That’s the trouble with grief. It’s a tragedy for someone to lose their life, but it can be so much worse for those left behind because there is no way to heal from that. You feel that missing piece of your soul every single day.”
Duke nodded, his voice solemn. “I would rather be the one leaving than the one being left.”
“If it wasn’t for John, I don’t know how my life would’ve ended up. We had plenty of money. There wasn’t any concern about what I would need to do to make ends meet, but having my own mother disregard me at such a young age really fucked with my head. I acted out a lot, doing whatever I could to get attention. I was always a loud personality, but as I got older, I felt the need to change myself to become someone people wanted to be around. I wanted to amplify who I was so I couldn’t be ignored. When I did, everything changed. Suddenly, women wanted to be like me. Men wanted to date me. I ran with it, creating the Olivia Hart you see today. Confident. Brash. Loud. Outgoing.” I paused, wiping away a tear. “Scared and lonely.”
“When I became CEO of Hartstrings, I thought I’d be able to let the mask slip. After all, I’d done it. I’d finally made mydreams come true. Even my mother seemed proud. She showed up to that shiny high-rise in Nashville stone cold sober. I couldn’t believe it. I thought maybe now that I’d done it, now that I’d made her proud, I could just be Olivia. But I was wrong.”
Nausea churned in my gut as the words tumbled out. My mouth was moving quicker than my mind could keep up. “Everyone preferred the new and improved version of me to the person I actually was. Nobody knew me, Duke. Nobody. And that meant”—a ragged sob tore from my chest—“nobody loved me. Or, they loved me, but they didn’t loveme.Does that even make any fucking sense?”
Duke nodded, squeezing my hand, and I could see everything he wanted to say reflected in his eyes. But before he could, I kept going. “I worked my ass off. I succeeded despite those who told me I couldn’t do it, even if succeeding was fucking killing me. I’d worked so hard for the life I’d dreamed of, but my dream was killing me.”
It still was, and there was nothing I could do about it. What difference would it make? Nothing was going to change now that John had passed. No one understood. Not even my brother. He’d been the one to turn down the family legacy to build one of his own. I wasn’t afforded that luxury.
I wasn’t sure I ever would be.
“I’ve been living a lie for so long that I don’t know who I am without it.” I rested my head on Duke’s shoulder, tipping my chin to the sky above, and stared at the stars. “I became CEO because my parents wanted me to. It’s the last connection I have with my father, and now I have to protect John’s legacy. I refuse to let someone ruin what he built.”
Duke’s fingertips gently trailed up and down my arm, leaving goosebumps in their wake.
“When I told my mother I was getting a divorce, she lost hershit. She told me I was throwing my life away. That I was too old to find a husband at the tender age of—what? Thirty-five?” I laughed, but it was as hollow as I felt. “I told her it was my life and I wanted to live it as I saw fit. That I refused to live a life that didn’t suit me. I was done pretending to be someone I wasn’t, and I wanted to resign as CEO of Hartstrings immediately. Itried.But she said if I stepped down, it would ruin our family. ThatIwould ruin our family. How can anyone say that to someone? Let alone a mother to their daughter?”
Duke tugged me closer. If he could take away the pain, I knew he would. “I’m so sorry.”
“The worst part is that it didn’t even come as a surprise to me. Today was the first time I’ve seen or spoken to her in over two years. I thought maybe things would have changed in the time that’d passed, but clearly they haven’t. I’m still the same disappointment I’ve always been.”
Even though I knew it wasn’t true, I couldn’t shake the cloud of shame hanging over my head. No matter what I did, none of it was good enough for her.
I wasn’t good enough for her.
“Do you want to go egg her car?”
The question caught me so off guard, I couldn’t help but laugh. It was absurd. Absolutely ridiculous.
“Egg her car?”
Duke shrugged. “Lukas and I did it to the high school principal when we were seniors?—”
“That was you?” I asked, turning my head to look up at him.
“And your brother. It’s important to remember that.”
“Are you sure you should be telling me this?”
“The statute of limitations is only seven years,” he said. “I think we’re safe.”
“But now I know one of your secrets.”
He sighed, tucking my head beneath his chin. I could hearthe rhythmic beating of his heart in his chest, the steady thump lulling me into a sense of calm. “I’d give you as many as you needed, as long as they made you feel better.”
His admission felt so heavy. Somewhere, there were promises behind his words. Promises neither of us dared to speak, promises we knew we couldn’t keep.
There was one thing I wanted, but was too afraid to ask for. It felt wrong on so many levels, but baring my heart and soul to a man who sat and listened without judgment gave me a quiet sort of confidence. One unlike any I’d ever had before. “Would you,” I paused, clearing my throat. I could do this. I could ask for what I wanted without guilt. “I—I don’t really want to be alone tonight.”
“Then you won’t be.” Duke’s answer came swiftly. Instantaneous. As if he already knew what I was going to ask before I ever got the words out.
“You don’t have to,” I quickly added. “I?—”