Lukas had been away at school when our father died, so he had somewhere to go back to after the funeral. I, on the other hand, was in my sophomore year of high school. I had nowhere to escape to. Trapped in my childhood home.
She rolled her eyes. “You are so dramatic.”
“Am I? Or did you forget the time you left me alone for a week after Dad died because you were on a bender? Or how about the time I came home from prom with my friends to find you passed out on the front lawn with cigarette burns all over your chest and reeking of cheap vodka?”
“So I’m not allowed to grieve?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Of course you’re allowed to grieve, but that doesn’t mean you’re allowed to stop caring for your children. It doesn’t mean that you are allowed to stop being a mother. A fucking responsible adult. It would’ve been better if you’d given me up entirely, rather than leave me to call John when you didn’t show up at dinnertime.”
My chest was heaving as I tried to hold back the tears threatening to spill. I was vaguely aware of the silence surrounding us. There was no laughter, no joy, no merriment from Charlie andHarper in the yard. The music that’d been playing in the house had stopped.
I should’ve stopped there. I should’ve walked away, but I was too angry. Too tired. Too everything. No matter how many times I told myself that I wasn’t the problem, that was how I felt. Why couldn’t she love me? Why couldn’t she get help to be better for me?
But with sudden clarity, I realized that I was never the problem. It was always her. She would rather play the victim than own up to all the years of neglect she put me through. I had to make her see that her choices had consequences, and I was done living my life wondering what she would say next to drag me down to her level.
“For years, Mother, for fuckingyearsI have tried to convince myself that our relationship was mendable. That we could come back from the way things were if you cleaned up your act and apologized, but that was my mistake because now I know you were always a lost cause.” This time, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling.
“The last time we talked, you said you wished you weren’t my mother. Since that day, I have been piecing back the parts of me you broke. I spent years believing no one would choose me. That no one would stay. So you know what? That’s fine. If you have no interest in being a mother, then I have no interest in being a daughter.” She opened her mouth to argue, but I cut her off. “I hope you’ve gotten a good look, because this is the last time you’ll ever see me. The last time you’ll ever talk to me. Don’t write. Don’t call. Don’t even send a fucking text message.”
“Livvy?”
I looked up and saw my brother and Duke standing in the open door with Charlie and Harper between them. My daughter’s eyes were red-rimmed from crying. She clung to Duke as though she was scared. Of me, of my mother, I had no idea.Guilt gnawed at my insides, making my stomach churn from fear I’d gone too far.
“Excuse me,” I whispered. My voice broke as a sob wrenched itself free. I stumbled down the porch and ran into the gray evening light, unsure of where I was headed. One thing was sure. I couldn’t stay here. Not anymore.
Behind me, someone called my name. There were raised voices followed by the slamming of the screen door. And then footsteps fell in sync with my own. I knew it was Duke without looking. Lukas would have tried to talk to me. He would’ve wanted me to recount every detail and play devil’s advocate.
I loved my brother dearly, but I couldn’t be around him right now.
For all his greatness, he never fully understood my crumbling relationship with our mother. Part of me was grateful for that. No kid should ever have to feel like a burden to their parent.
But that often left me feeling as though I really was the problem. That I was being too hard on her or overreacting about how she made me feel. I couldn’t handle feeling like that right now. Not after whatever that fucking disaster was.
I wasn’t sure where we were headed, but Duke walked beside me. For the first time in my life, the silence didn’t feel suffocating. I didn’t feel the need to talk just to pass the time or to apologize for any discomfort the other person might have felt. He didn’t try to touch me or offer me comfort.
He just let me be.
Eventually, my vision blurred too much to go on, and our pace slowed. My chest screamed at me to stop, to let my body rest. Strong arms wrapped around my middle as my knees gave out, helping me to the ground. It was so similar to the day we found out John had passed that it brought a whole new wave ofgrief I couldn’t stop. And again, it was Duke who caught me when I fell.
“I’ve got you, honey,” Duke whispered, pressing a kiss to my temple. “Let it out. You’re safe with me.”
I knew that more than I knew anything, especially in this moment. My heart, my body, my soul—everything I was would be safe with this wonderful man. He held me through every sob, through every scream. He held me until the sun dipped behind the pines and coyotes howled at the moon. He held me until my mind quieted and I took my first breath in what felt like days, all the while whispering that I was safe.
“You didn’t have to follow me,” I whispered. My voice was hoarse from exertion.
“I know, but you would’ve made too tempting a meal to whatever’s lurking in the darkness,” he said, lips curling into a smile against my temple.
“I think the screaming would’ve scared them off.”
Duke let out a huff. “You’re probably right.” We sat there in silence for a moment before he whispered, “Do you want to talk about it?”
What could I say that hadn’t been said before? Duke knew the struggles I encountered with my mother. Sometimes I called Lukas in tears in the months following Dad’s death, freaking out because our mom hadn’t been home in days. I kept waiting for the sheriff’s department to show up at our door and tell me she’d wrapped her car around a telephone pole after a night of binge drinking.
Honestly, it was a miracle it never happened.
But I’d never voiced my issues with my mother to anyone other than Lukas or John before. While I knew I could trust Duke, I wasn’t sure where to begin.
“It’s crazy how fast things can change. One moment, yourfamily is whole, and you’re left feeling invincible, and the next...” I mimed an explosion with my hands. “Everything changes. Dad’s death shook every single one of us, but I think it hit my mother and me the hardest. We were so close before it happened. Always laughing, always making plans. She supported my endeavors the way all parents should, but when he died… I don’t know. I think a part of her died, too.”