We stayed like that for nearly an hour, me holding her as she slept. I would’ve stayed longer if I hadn’t needed to pick Harper up from school. Though I tried to be as gentle as I could as I rolled her onto her back, she blinked up at me in confusion.
“I’ve got to go pick up Harper, but I’ll bring dinner by at seven,” I said.
Olivia dipped her chin in acknowledgement as I draped a stray blanket over her body.
As I stood up, her eyes had drifted closed. I headed to the door, but paused when I heard her softly whisper, “Thank you for the flowers.”
OLIVIA
The early springair was crisp as I watched the pallbearers set my uncle’s casket on the lowering mechanism. Flowers of every color decorated the white tent covering the burial site. It was only a fraction of what was brought over from the actual ceremony.
Honestly, I had no idea what we’d do with all of them. It seemed like a waste, especially when I couldn’t fathom taking a single bloom home.
Today wasn’t one I wanted to look back and remember.
My brother turned his back to the casket, and I saw tears shining in his eyes. Duke, who graciously agreed to be one of my uncle’s pallbearers at Luke’s request, clapped him on the shoulder. They mumbled something to one another, but I averted my gaze, not trusting myself to keep my composure.
Instead, I stared down at my feet. They’d grown numb hours ago during the drawn-out funeral service as countless members of the community and the board of directors eulogized my uncle. He would’ve hated the whole affair if he were still alive,but how was I supposed to tell people they couldn’t pay their respects to a man who was so universally loved?
Lukas took the seat next to mine, but neither of us spoke. There wasn’t much left to say. We had been barraged with condolences all day, which, despite the lovely sentiments, left me feeling drained. Regardless of how well I’d been trained to hide my true feelings in public, there were only so many times I could force a polite smile and thank people for coming by to pay their respects.
Charlie’s presence was the only thing keeping me centered. I tightened my hold on her hand, squeezing gently when I heard her quietly sobbing. Tears streamed down my daughter’s face. I pulled her into me, draping an arm around her shoulders. Grady and Cleo were on her other side, both wearing matching red-rimmed expressions, staring straight ahead as the pastor spoke.
Though I could feel her gaze on me, I ignored my mother’s presence at the end of the aisle. Just like I’d been ignoring her for the past week and a half since John’s death.
The calls began the day after and were easy enough to ignore. I added it to the list of things I’d been avoiding since Lukas carried my limp body into his guest house and let me rest in the stillness of the dying daylight. The voicemails that followed were drunken tirades. Harsh accusations and questions about what was going to happen to the company and if I was going to burn everything my family built to the ground for my own selfish desires.
After the first three, I blocked her number.
I thought that put an end to it but then the knocking started. I ignored it still, trying to focus on planning John’s funeral between meetings with the Hartstrings board. Then the knocking turned into pounding. Lukas had to come down anddrag her away from the cottage at one in the morning, only two days ago.
Every day was something new. It was why I refused to leave the cottage to eat dinner with them at Lukas’s house, why I ignored Duke every night when he dropped off a plate just for me. Why I’d almost ignored him the day he came by with flowers.
I almost threw them out in an angry rage just because it was the only thing I had control over. They’d been in my hand, hovering over the trash can, before I set them back on the counter and crumpled to the floor in shame. I didn’t deserve them. Didn’t deserve his kindness either.
What killed me most was the relief I felt at seeing him standing on my doorstep, looking so goddamn nervous. And then I hated myself for adding to his pain, knowing he was grieving my uncle just as much as the rest of us were.
I was no stranger to death or grief, but losing John was different than my father. Though both tragic in their own ways, my uncle had become the father I chose. He spent the past twenty-two years of his life ensuring neither Lukas nor I ever felt as though we weren’t loved and supported.
It was much more than my mother did, choosing to check out when we needed her most.
I glanced down at Charlie and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. This was her first dance with death. While I’d hoped to shield her from it as long as I could, it snuck up on us anyway. We all thought we had more time with John. The doctors said months, but those months turned into weeks at best, and now we were sitting at a funeral surrounded by a sea of black coats and dresses.
The massive crowds at both the funeral home and the burial site were testaments to how loved he was. How many lives hetouched. More people spoke at the gravesite service, but I didn’t remember what they said.
As the pastor asked everyone to stand, the first tear I’d shed all day slipped free. I quickly wiped it away before anyone could notice, finding myself wishing it were the brush of Duke’s fingertips instead.
Everyone lined up to give their final condolences. One by one, I saw faces I recognized. Faces that had rallied together to make sure today went as smoothly as possible. Lucy, who closed the diner to cater the celebration-of-life gathering at Lukas’s house after the burial. Margaret hadn’t hesitated to order thousands of dollars’ worth of flowers when I called. Even Too Drunk Johnny was standing at the back of the crowd, sober for the first time in my life—though something told me he wouldn’t stay like that for long.
By the time Duke and Harper made it to us, the burial site was nearly empty. People loitered by their cars, their sorrowful glances back at us a reminder we were still being watched. Lukas’ tears fell freely when they walked up. Duke clapped his shoulder before pulling my brother into a hug. Though I couldn’t make out what they were saying, Lukas squeezed his eyes shut and nodded his head before they separated.
And then Duke was standing in front of me, green gaze swimming with unshed tears. Somehow, I knew he was holding them at bay for me. I wasn’t sure I would’ve been able to contain myself if I saw them fall. I wasn’t that strong. Not anymore.
I gave him a watery smile, voice wavering as I spoke. “Thank you for coming, and for”—I gestured toward the scene behind him—“agreeing to be a pallbearer. He would’ve loved that.”
The longer Duke stood there, the harder it was to keep my composure. I needed him to move. To stop staring at me with such sorrow and grief, or else I was going to lose it right hereand now. There was only so much I could take, and I was already at my limit.
“Honey…” His voice was low, cautious, as he reached out and pulled me to his chest. Everything in me crumbled at that one single word. It was like the breaking of a dam. I let myself go, unable to keep him at arm’s length any longer. My hands found their way around his waist as I clung to him like a life raft on turbulent waters. When the first sob broke free, I couldn’t stop myself from sinking completely into his embrace.