“Come on, I know you want to get back to him.”
Mom leads me over to Ethan’s bed, and he smiles when he sees me. “Hi, Lily.”
My dad wraps his arm around my shoulders for a half hug. “Hey, Lily bug.”
“Hey, Dad.” I return his half hug before leaning forward to give one to Ethan. “Hey, baby bro.”
“Are you mad at me?” he asks, concerned.
I pull back. “No, of course not. I do wonder what you were doing though.”
He looks down at his lap.
“We don’t have to talk about it right now. You need to get better first,” I tell him.
“It’s okay. I just wanted to help. I got all the goats out and then got stuck.” His face scrunches.
“Good job getting the goats out,” I praise just so he doesn’t get upset. I don’t blame him for what happened, and I don’t want him to feel guilty.
“Is Parker okay?” he whispers.
I didn’t think it was possible for me to cry this much, but apparently my tear ducts are a never-ending faucet because it starts up again. “He will be,” I tell him to comfort us both. Because I feel like if I keep saying it then it’s going to have to be true. “How areyoufeeling?”
“Okay, it’s kinda hard to breathe and my head hurts.”
“I think if you get some more rest it’ll help,” I suggest.
“You would know, you’re smarter than all the doctors, right?” He smiles, and I can’t help but return it.
“That’s right.” I wink, enjoying a lighter moment after everything has felt so heavy.
“Lily,” he whispers, gesturing for me to get closer like he wants to tell me a secret. “Tell Parker I’m sorry.”
I give him a soft smile, whispering back, “You don’t have to be sorry. Get some sleep.”
He nods, settling back into the bed.
I smile at both my parents, and my dad pulls me into a hug. “You okay, kid?” he asks gently.
I shake my head against his chest. “No, but I hope I will be.”
“You will,” he reassures me, and I want to believe him. I want to tell both him and my mom my news, but it’s not just mine. I want Parker to know first. I want to see his reaction. I want to tell our families together so he can see their reaction too.
I want to go back to a few days ago when everything was so perfect. I was happier than I’ve ever been in my life. And now here I am completely unsure of what my future is going to look like. Unsure if the love of my life is going to wake up. Unsure if I’m going to be a terrible mom. And even worse if I’m going to have to figure out how to be a mom without Parker.
I give my family a close-lipped smile before leaving to go back to the other room. As soon as I’m in the hallway I break down in more tears. I press both my hands to my stomach and make a silent promise to our son or daughter that I will try. That no matter what happens, I’ll be the best I can be for them.
Once I’ve gotten myself together enough to walk back to Parker’s room, I keep my head down so no one will see how much I was crying. I swear I’ve never cried this much in my life, and my eyes are burning from the number of tears that have been shed.
Jackie is resting in the recliner, but when she hears me come in she sits up.
“Hey Lily, did you go see Ethan?” Her voice thick with emotion.
“Yeah, he’s doing well.”
She nods with a small smile. “Good.”
“If you want to go home and rest you can, I’ll stay here with him,” I tell her because I can see how exhausted she is. I’m sure it’s both emotional and physical, which I can understand.